Happy Holidays!

Who's Crazier: Ozzie Guillen or Bobby Valentine?

Ozzie Guillen is up to his old shenanigans and Bobby Valentine has been told what's up.

Guillen was ejected from Monday's Grapefruit League game against the Boston Red Sox for what else but arguing a call. Then, as the new Miami Marlins skipper exited the field, opposing manager Valentine gave him a sarcastic wave adios and said, "See ya." This exchange (although Ozzie totally missed it) is hopefully a nice foreshadowing of what this season has in store for us regarding these two. Not that they'll see each other much.

Anna Benson Tries to Trick Kris into Knocking her Up... This Show is Stupid

You'd think being obsessed with baseball and a fan of reality tv gems such as Bad Girls Club (gotta love watching drunk chicks pull each other's weaves out) would indicate that I also enjoy watching Baseball Wives. Think again.

I had never watched the show up until Wednesday when my curiosity got the best of me. Since I can't get that 60 minutes of my life back, I figure I might as well make the best of it and tell the world what a ho bag I think Anna Benson is. We've had our fun with her in the past and have been well aware of her batshit crazy tendencies ever since back when her husband Kris was relevant.

Yeah, it's been a while... which brings me to my next point. Why the hell is she even on this show? Why are any of these broads -- wife of Ron Villone and Matt Williams, ex-wives of Jason Kendall and Mark Grace (slumpbuster!) and ex-girlfriend of Nyjer Morgan -- when all of these guys other than T-Plush and Villone are retired and were never really that great anyway? Well, except for Grace. He was pretty good back in the day, and his loud mouth jibber jabber pays the bills (and the alimony) courtesy of the Arizona Diamondbacks. No wonder he got a DUI this summer.

Anyway, here's my beef with Anna. In the latest episode, she confided in Williams' wife Erika that she has stopped taking her birth control and plans to have a romantic evening with her hubby in hopes of getting knocked up. Apparently, she's discussed another pregnancy with Kris in the past and he thinks it's a terrible idea. So of course, she's going to do what any loony celebrity housewife would do: steal his sperm and make a baby without his permission.

Gross.

Manny Ramirez Seeks Reinstatement, Ban Cut to 50 Games... Sort Of

Just admit it already. You miss Manny Ramirez and his shenanigans.

The silly former outfielder begged to be reinstated once again this weekend while his suspension for a second failed drug test was cut from 100 games to 50 since he sat out nearly all of last season. Having already suffered through a 50-game ban for violating baseball’s drug agreement back in 2009, he was supposed to serve a 100-game suspension last spring for being a complete idiot and committing a second offense. Rather than endure the penalty, he told the commissioner’s office he was quitting baseball last April.

Anyway, Manny asked to be reinstated back in September when he realized he was banned from Winter Ball in the Dominican Republic, but that apparently that didn't get him anywhere. However, Commissioner Bud Selig is all about it this time, announcing in a statement that "as a condition of his reinstatement, Ramirez will be required to resolve his outstanding violation."

Ramirez will turn 40 in May, so I'm not sure what business he even has being reinstated. Maybe he just wanted to clear his name after that whole arrest thing in September on a domestic battery charge involving his wife. Dick.

The suspension would begin with the first game he is eligible to play, making it more of a 206-game suspension if you count the final 156 games of 2011 plus the first 50 of 2012. All he needs to do is get signed. Miami, anyone?

[SB Nation]

As if Alex Rodriguez Has a Poker Face

Richard Rubenstein, the publicist for the amazing life story that is Alex Rodriguez, claims the New York Yankees’ third baseman is looking forward to cooperating with MLB in its investigation of his "alleged" involvement in illegal gambling, specifically underground poker games.

Star Magazine apparently reported last month that Rodriguez was seen playing back door poker at the Beverly Hills mansion of record executive Cody Leibel, where a fight nearly busted out and cocaine was being used openly.

The All-Star slugger was questioned about the issue at the team's minor league training facility down in Florida on Thursday following his first on-field action since undergoing surgery on his right knee on July 14, but he refused to comment on the matter.

A-Rod, sporting a light brace on his bad knee, was on the field for about a half hour for a little light running, soft toss, grounders and some batting cage time. Before his injury, the Yankees Super Star was batting .295 with 13 home runs and 52 RBI on the season. He had this to say regarding his return to baseball activity:

“I had an encouraging day today. I'll have a better idea of a timetable in four or five days... the most important thing is to go back healthy."

...Not whether or not he's involved with illegal gambling.

[Daily Pitch]

Carlos Zambrano Apologizes to Teammate Carlos Marmol

Carlos Zambrano is super sorry. Again.

The high-strung Chicago Cubs hurler bitched about Carlos Marmol giving up the tying RBI double on a slider to Ryan Theriot in the ninth inning of their team's 3-2 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals on Sunday. Zambrano, who clearly never makes mistakes, said after the game that the closer should have gone with a fastball instead.

Though he apologized to Marmol in person, he had this to say while explaining himself to the media on Monday:

"What I said yesterday was in a moment of frustration. I apologized to Marmol. Let’s move on."

Frustration is understandable when your club is fifth in the National League Central -- 11 games out of first place -- and coming off the ass end of a sweep by the rival first-place Cardinals. However, you need to learn to control yourself man.

This, just a few days after he flipped the eff out while whiffing on a rookie curveball.

[Hardball Talk]

Aaron Effin' Boone...

By now you should be familiar with the guys from Nine More Outs, who have embarked on a Stadium Shmadium Tour to ballparks such as the Rogers Centre and PNC Park, disguised as die hard fans of the home team.

Hilarity then ensues.

Behold, the Stadium Shmadium Tour of Boston, Part I. Enjoy.

Happy Holidays!

Love,
D'Meat Hook

Matt Diaz Will Clobber You

Holy smokes, it's been a while huh. That was a fabulous vacation, but man did I miss you guys.

Anyways, what better way to get back into the biz than with a Youtube video of Matt Diaz clobbering a fan who ran out onto the field in, where else... Philadelphia.

[Yahoo! Sports] | [Walkoff Walk] | [Braves Love]

Manny Hurts Himself, Donates Porsche

Manny Ramirez is scheduled to get an MRI on his injured right hamstring today, a day off for his Los Angeles Dodgers.

The wacky left fielder, who spent 15 days on the disabled list from April 23 until May 8, hurt himself in the first inning of Tuesday night's 4-2 victory over the San Francisco Giants rounding second. He stopped and dashed back to the bag, his foot making contact with shortstop Edgar Renteria's glove, which made the ball pop out for a safe call.

Stay Classy, Philadelphia

Fans running onto the field.

Grown men vomiting all over little girls... on purpose.

And now, finally, little boys slamming beers.

It's been an exciting season so far at Citizen's Bank park, and one can only wonder what is coming next. Whatever it is, I hope to see it reenacted on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Happy Holidays!

Love,
D'Meat Hook

Cubs GM Blows a Gasket Over Milton Bradley

Jim Hendry is not impressed with Milton Bradley. Still.

Even though the outfielder is no longer under his supervision since he joined the Seattle Mariners, the Chicago Cubs general manager felt the need to respond to Bradley's latest allegations that the club treated him like crap and the fans were a bunch of racists.

"I think it's time maybe Milton looked himself in the mirror," a slightly pissed off Hendry said Wednesday. "He just didn't swing the bat. He didn't get the job done. It's really unfortunate that you ... try to use the other areas for excuses."

Cubs Tire of Milton Bradley Shenanigans

Milton Bradley has been suspended for the remainder of the season after Chicago Cubs brass finally decided they were fed up with the constant drama.

Technically speaking, the whiny outfielder was disciplined for "conduct detrimental to the team" after general manager Jim Hendry caught wind of a negative quote from Bradley in the Illinois' Arlington Daily Herald.

Bradley has two long years remaining on a three-year, $30 million contract that he signed as a free agent last offseason, but Hendry says he's not sure if the relationship is salvageable. Who can blame him? Besides the fact that MB more or less sucks these days, after being scratched from Saturday’s lineup with a "sore left knee", he was quoted as saying "You understand why they haven’t won in 100 years here."

Geez Milt, everyone knows they haven't brought a World Series to Chicago in 100 years because of the black cat, the billy goat, and that jackass Steve Bartman. Good riddance to your lousy .257 batting average.

[ESPN] | [Walkoff Walk] | [Jorge Says No!]

Milton Bradley Busts Out His Sad Face

Oh, Milton Bradley. I think it's about time you get used to the boos... you've got about $20 million and two years left on the North Side.

After going 4-for-4 with a homer against the Washington Nationals Tuesday night, the Chicago Cubs outfielder complained that he’s felt some animosity "when [he] doesn’t get a hit and gets booed every time" during his rough (to say the least) first season in the windy city.

Let's get straight to the dramatics. He actually said this:

When I go home and look in the mirror, I like what I see. My family is there I have people I can talk to who are very supportive, in spite of everything and all the adversity and the hatred you face on a daily basis. But I’ll be all right. I always have.

MB, you are anything but 'alright.' See: Voodoo Sabermetrics.

Wednesday, when Bradley was asked to elaborate, he obliged:

I’m talking about hatred, period. I’m talking about when I go to eat at a restaurant. I’ve got to listen to the waiters badmouthing me at another table, sitting in a restaurant. That’s what I’m talking about. Everything.

He went on to say that he prays the games don't go into extra innings so he can just go home. That's a shame since I'm sure there are at least a few minor league outfielders who could out-hit him any day of the week just dying to get the call. Which brings me to this open letter.

Dear Milton Bradley,

The waiters don't hate you, they just think you suck at baseball. That's not exactly true, even though you're batting just .257 with 10 homers and 34 RBIs, but you've always been an easy scapegoat. You're not used to that yet? Embrace it!

You're not exactly enjoying an award-winnning year, either. Everyone struggles from time to time... your battle just so happens to be lasting all season long apparently. My point is this: shut your mouth, show some gratitude, pull up your panties, and play the game.

xoxo,

Sooze

[Chicago Tribune] | [FanHouse] | [Hardball] | [Sportress of Blogitude]

Doc's Hancock Stays

After Dwight Gooden signed a wall in the Ebbets Club when he attended the April 13th opener at Citi Field, there was speculation that some janitor was going to come along with a Magic Eraser and remove the autograph which read,

Doc Gooden
84 R.O.Y.
85 Cy Young
86 W.S. Champs

Little Leaguers Love Me, Dawg

The good folks from the Great Falls, Virginia Little League are a little upset over Elijah Dukes recent $500 fine.

After the Washington Nationals outfielder made an appearance at the little guys' season opener gathering for a little extra cash ($500) he ended up five minutes late for his day job as a professional baseball player. Five minutes late from making a bunch of little kids smile with autographed baseballs and pictures taken.

Happy Holidays!

Love,
Dmitri

Blah Blah Bonds

Barry Bonds may be looking for $100 million or more from MLB if an arbitrator decides baseball owners conspired to end his career. Why such a large number? According to the terms of the collective bargaining agreement, a player is allowed triple in damages from lost earnings if the reason he did not play was shady enough.

Yes, Barry was bad for baseball. Yes, it became incredibly irritating to see his ugly mug plastered all over the internet and television while he chased Hank Aaron's homer record and after he was indicted on charges of perjury.

But did owners collude to have him blackballed? Even though Bonds was not offered a contract after the 2007 season, he never officially retired. His agent, Jeff Borris even shopped Bonds at the big league minimum of $390,000 and still drew no interest. At one point he somewhat jokingly offered to play for charity. Still crickets.

Thoughts?

[AFP] | [Sportaphile] | [SF Giants Fantatic]

Baseball Moves Aside for Obama

Since the beginning of time, baseball has been a welcome distraction to political unrest and presidential campaigns.

But this year, Major League Baseball has decided to delay the first pitch for 8 minutes to let Democrat Barack Obama -- a rabid White Sox fan -- have 30 minutes of air-time on FOX before the potential Game 6 of the World Series, which hasn't gone six games since 2003.

This means you will almost certainly have time for a b-double-e-double-r-u-n beer ruuuuuuuuuuuuun before the 8:35 ET start time.

[AP] | [Fanhouse] | [The Final Score]