Indians' Chris Perez Gets Suspicious Marijuana-Filled Package in the Mail

This story made my day.

Apparently, a "suspicious package" that was shipped to Chris Perez's house on Monday has alarmed authorities.

City police and a regional narcotics unit, along with USPS postal inspectors, investigated said delivery to the Cleveland Indians closer's suburban home, according to Rocky River Police Chief Kelly Stillman. Some evidence was seized from the house during the bust on Tuesday, but there are currently no specifics on what items were taken. Like maybe a giant bong shaped like a unicorn. Or more weed.

Josh Hamilton Relapses, no Whipped Cream was Harmed in the Event

We like to take long breaks from blogging just before Spring Training gets underway. Obviously. But what better way to get back into the game than waking up to hear the news of Josh Hamilton's alcohol relapse. Sadly, no whipped cream was harmed in the process.

The Texas Rangers outfielder didn't come out and admit his relapse to the press, however. No, some tattle tales "familiar with the episode" felt it was their responsibility to let us all know he was drinking booze at a Dallas area bar this week.

If you're familiar with alcoholism, you know know that one drink is really never okay for a drunk. Some people just can't hang, and Hamilton is one of those folks. The 30-year-old All Star outfielder was suspended for more than three years for drug and alcohol abuse back when he was with the Tampa Bay organization, missing the entire 2004 and 2005 seasons. However, he rebounded to become a household name and give hope to addicts everywhere.

In August of 2009, he relapsed during a wild night without his wife and Jesus, licking body shots and whipped cream off scantily clad hookers young ladies at a bar in Tempe, Arizona. Of course, he tried to claim that the photos were old, but background shots of the spankin' new MLB Network channel on the televisions in the background had him busted.

Since joining the Rangers, he is tested for drug use three times a week and also is supposed to have an accountability partner to offer him support in his recovery.

Looks like now would be a good time to hire one of those.

[Yahoo! Sports]

Yorvit Torrealba Shoves Face Mask of Umpire in Venezuela, Suspended 66 Games

Every player knows you can never win an argument over balls and strikes with an umpire. It just doesn't happen. Every player also knows you cannot, under any circumstances, whether intentional or not, touch an umpire. Not only can you not touch an ump, it's certainly not okay to bitch slap one right across the face.

Apparently Yorvit Torrealba didn't get that memo.

Testosterone Medication Allegedly to Blame for Ryan Braun's Failed Drug Test

We've been waiting a while to weigh in on the whole Ryan Braun deal lately, mostly because we couldn't find a credible source with any real information to cite. Now that a few semi-major news outlets have suggested the Milwaukee Brewers left fielder may have been prescribed a medication containing testosterone which made him fail one random test and then pass the second, we're gonna throw in our two or three cents.

Not that it's any of our business, but I'm sure you're wondering just like us, what possible secret ailments could Braun have that require synthetic testosterone for treatment?

The obvious conclusion for some asinine sports blogs out there is that he has herpes. Of course. First of all, page views and hits will never be so important to us that we would create a rumor that a player has a sexually transmitted disease in the hopes people will visit our site and spread the rumor... kind of like herpes. That would be stupid and irresponsible... kind of like having unprotected sex.

There are many illnesses and issues in which testosterone is used as a treatment and/or cure. Since we're too lazy to speculate, we'll just sit back and wait to see if Braun decides to share the news with the public after his appeal, if this is indeed the case. Either way, he'll most likely be suspended for 50 games to start off the 2012 season; it's still his responsibility to know exactly what he's putting into his body and to make sure it's within MLB regulations.

Herpes. How dumb.

[Big League Stew]

Barry Bonds Gets a Slap on the Wrist, Manages to Avoid Jail Time

The Barry Bonds fiasco is finally over... at least for now.

Upon his conviction for giving "misleading testimony" (a.k.a. lying his ass off) before a grand jury investigating steroid use in sports, the Home Run King was sentenced to 30 days of house arrest, two years probation, a $4,000 fine, and 250 hours of community service on Friday. The federal judge cited his many charitable donations as part of the reason actual jail time seemed irrational.

Anna Benson Tries to Trick Kris into Knocking her Up... This Show is Stupid

You'd think being obsessed with baseball and a fan of reality tv gems such as Bad Girls Club (gotta love watching drunk chicks pull each other's weaves out) would indicate that I also enjoy watching Baseball Wives. Think again.

I had never watched the show up until Wednesday when my curiosity got the best of me. Since I can't get that 60 minutes of my life back, I figure I might as well make the best of it and tell the world what a ho bag I think Anna Benson is. We've had our fun with her in the past and have been well aware of her batshit crazy tendencies ever since back when her husband Kris was relevant.

Yeah, it's been a while... which brings me to my next point. Why the hell is she even on this show? Why are any of these broads -- wife of Ron Villone and Matt Williams, ex-wives of Jason Kendall and Mark Grace (slumpbuster!) and ex-girlfriend of Nyjer Morgan -- when all of these guys other than T-Plush and Villone are retired and were never really that great anyway? Well, except for Grace. He was pretty good back in the day, and his loud mouth jibber jabber pays the bills (and the alimony) courtesy of the Arizona Diamondbacks. No wonder he got a DUI this summer.

Anyway, here's my beef with Anna. In the latest episode, she confided in Williams' wife Erika that she has stopped taking her birth control and plans to have a romantic evening with her hubby in hopes of getting knocked up. Apparently, she's discussed another pregnancy with Kris in the past and he thinks it's a terrible idea. So of course, she's going to do what any loony celebrity housewife would do: steal his sperm and make a baby without his permission.

Gross.

Ryan Braun Faces 50-Game Ban for Allegedly Cheating; We Might Take it All Back

We haven't been more disappointed in a ballplayer than we are with Ryan Braun tonight. Honestly, he was one of the last players we'd ever suspect of cheating.

The Milwaukee Brewers left fielder has tested positive for a banned substance and now faces a 50-game suspension. Of course he is disputing the results and referring to them as complete "bullshit." A spokesperson for Braun released this statement Saturday evening:

"There are highly unusual circumstances surrounding this case which will support Ryan's complete innocence and demonstrate there was absolutely no intentional violation of the program. While Ryan has impeccable character and no previous history, unfortunately, because of the process we have to maintain confidentiality and are not able to discuss it any further, but we are confident he will ultimately be exonerated."

On the heels of his first 30-30 season, a synthetic testosterone was found in his system in a recent random test. A second administered test was negative, so we're awfully confused by that. If the suspension is upheld, the Brewers are totally screwed early on in the season. Especially after losing the big bat of Prince Fielder to free agency.

Over his first five big league seasons, the reigning National League MVP has averaged 36 longballs, 118 RBI and a .563 slugging percentage. If he is indeed a cheater-pants, we take back everything nice we've ever said about him. If the positive test is just a bunch of BS, then we apologize for finding the douchiest picture possible of him to go with this post.

[Daily Pitch]

David Ortiz Wants to Stick Around Boston, Regardless of Red Sox Problems

All things considered, some big league players may not want to be associated with a team whose ridiculous September collapse has been blamed on drinking beers and eating fried chicken in the clubhouse. David Ortiz is not one of those players. Besides, it's not like they were the only team enjoying some rally beers.

After earning the highest honor a player can accomplish when he received the Roberto Clemente Award before Game 2 of the World Series on Thursday, Ortiz had this to say about his team's troubles:

“You guys know it all, already. I don’t have to add anything. I’m there every day, but I do what I’ve got to do. I have no more comment on that. You guys know it all.”

Eligible for free agency after the World Series, Ortiz batted .309 with 29 homers and 96 RBI this season. He said given the mess the team has found itself in -- the rumors, losing their general manager and banishing their skipper -- it’s a little too early to start talking about a new contract. In an interview with ESPN last month, Big Papi eluded to the idea he would play for the New York Yankees if given the chance. Not cool. However, he squashed that notion on Thursday:

“I never said that I would sign with the Yankees. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They asked me if I would play for the Yankees. I said I would think about it. But I didn’t confirm to nobody that I would play for the Yankees. I’m still a Red Sox, aren’t I?”

'A Red Sox'... we've always struggled with the possessive and singular of that team's name.

Wherever the soon-to-be 36-year-old designated hitter ends up in 2012, Commissioner Bud Selig surely has a lot he'd like to (and definitely will) say to the Sawx organization after the Fall Classic ends.

[Boston Herald]

Roger Clemens, Jason Giambi Also Pounded Beers! This Story Won't Go Away

Since this story won't seem to go away, we're gonna go ahead and join in the fun.

According to the New York Daily News, chronic douches Rogers Clemens and Jason Giambi have joined in the debauchery, as reports have surfaced that they, too, drank beer in the dugout and clubhouse during games. You know, back when they were relevant.

So yes. It turns out the Boston Red Sox aren't the only team to have participated in "rally beers" -- a term coined by another player we rabidly dislike, A.J. Pierzynski.

Yankees clubhouse insiders claim that Giambi and Clemens would pass brewskis disguised as a "protein shake" back and forth on the bench during games on a routine basis. Funny, that's not the first interest they've shared. Now they get to share a shoddy reputation... as if either of them had a shining one in the first place.

[Courtesy of Larry Brown Sports]

Leave it to a $161 Million Payroll to Try and Steal the Postseason Thunder

In case you missed it, the Boston Red Sox epic collapse is still in motion. Leave it to a $161 million payroll to try and steal the thunder of the playoffs. I mean, would you look at that? They didn't even make the playoffs, yet here we are talking about them.

From Bob Hohler of the Boston Globe:

"How a team that was on pace in late August to win 100 games and contend for its third World Series title in seven years self-destructed is a story of disunity, disloyalty, and dysfunction like few others in franchise history."

Good point, I suppose. It all started with them losing a crap-ton of games during the final month of the season. In fact, they failed to put together any sort of winning streak, never winning more than one game in a row in the whole month of September. Total failure.

Terry Francona, living in a hotel all season while in the middle of a separation from his wife, was "let go" as Boston refused to pick up his 2012 contract option. However, he kept his head up and did color commentary, surviving the voice of Joe Buck during the first two games of the ALCS. We're proud of him.

General Manager Theo Epstein was the next to go, taking the vacant position of Chicago Cubs GM for $15 million over the next five seasons. Obviously, he's planning on ending their 102-year Championship drought.

Big Time Timmy Jim Lincecum Sued for Being a Lazyass Stoner Party Animal

We've all had one of those roommates.

You know, the ones who use every dish in the house before washing any until they're eating cereal off a plate with a spatula. The kind who accidentally bust the window frame while trying to break in because they forgot their car keys in the bathroom, or knock the bong over while it's sitting on the stove and then never clean up the rancid water between the oven and the fridge so it permanently smells like ass in the kitchen...

Maybe you are that guy. Tim Lincecum totally is. Allegedly.

The Giants ace was sued Wednesday in the San Francisco Superior Court by former landlord, Mindy Freile, for allegedly causing $350,000 worth of damage to a furnished Mission District apartment that he rented. And it's not like he just left the place kind of messy.

No, no, it was [allegedly] a complete disaster. Freile claims Lincecum damaged "the bedding, doors, carpet, pillows, kitchenware, linens, furniture, lights, artwork, decorations, patio furniture, appliances and mirrors, among other things."

For crying out loud, Little Timmy. We know you like to party, but how could a mild-mannered two-time Cy Young Award winner like yourself ruin all that apparently very expensive crap? A killer party, bro. That's how.

[Huff Post San Francisco]

Blah Blah Steroids: Mike Jacobs

Mike Jacobs is not the sharpest tackle in the box.

The minor league first baseman, who may have just screwed up his chance at ever returning to the big leagues, is the first player suspended by Major League Baseball for a positive HGH test under its minor league drug testing program. What a moron.

The 30-year-old Jacobs played in the majors from 2005-10, collecting 100 homers and 310 RBI with a career .254 batting average between the New York Mets, Florida Marlins and Kansas City Royals. He received a 50-game suspension Thursday for choosing to take the banned performance-enhancing drug rather than heal naturally, and was subsequently released by the Colorado Rockies. His excuse? He needed to overcome knee and back problems.

Carlos Zambrano Talks Retirement, Changes his Mind

Carlos Zambrano wants the Cubs to take him back, claiming he'd still like to pitch for the team, even though he said he was done with them a couple days ago.

Apparently, he was just "frustrated" when he told club personnel that he wanted to retire after his most recent start. Zambrano cleaned out his locker and said that he wanted to retire after giving up five home runs and being ejected from Friday night's 10-4 loss to the Atlanta Braves following two brushbacks to Chipper Jones.

As if Alex Rodriguez Has a Poker Face

Richard Rubenstein, the publicist for the amazing life story that is Alex Rodriguez, claims the New York Yankees’ third baseman is looking forward to cooperating with MLB in its investigation of his "alleged" involvement in illegal gambling, specifically underground poker games.

Star Magazine apparently reported last month that Rodriguez was seen playing back door poker at the Beverly Hills mansion of record executive Cody Leibel, where a fight nearly busted out and cocaine was being used openly.

The All-Star slugger was questioned about the issue at the team's minor league training facility down in Florida on Thursday following his first on-field action since undergoing surgery on his right knee on July 14, but he refused to comment on the matter.

A-Rod, sporting a light brace on his bad knee, was on the field for about a half hour for a little light running, soft toss, grounders and some batting cage time. Before his injury, the Yankees Super Star was batting .295 with 13 home runs and 52 RBI on the season. He had this to say regarding his return to baseball activity:

“I had an encouraging day today. I'll have a better idea of a timetable in four or five days... the most important thing is to go back healthy."

...Not whether or not he's involved with illegal gambling.

[Daily Pitch]

Roger Clemens Lives to Suck Another Day

First and foremost, we missed you. Marea and I have both been incredibly busy with life. Clearly, we've had time to watch, read about, and obsess on baseball, just not even close to enough time to write about it. Anywho, glad to be back.

Roger Clemens, who we love to hate and hate to talk about except when it's really important or super hilarious, is one lucky son of a biotch. Turns out the prosecutors in charge of his perjury case are complete and utter morons.

U.S. District Judge Reggie Walton declared a mistrial Thursday after prosecuting attorneys totally effed things up by showing the jurors some evidence against the court's orders on just the second day of testimony. Basically, the jurors may or may not have been swayed regarding their opinions on the credibility of Andy Pettitte, who was probably quite looking forward to testifying against his old buddy and former teammate.

Therefore, the judge decided Clemens, no matter how big a d-bag he may be, deserves a fair trial so he rescheduled a hearing for September 2 in which they'll figure out whether or not to hold a brand spankin' new trial.

/legal mumbo jumbo.

So.... is The Rocket gonna go to jail ever or what? I just want to see him publicly humiliated some more.

[Sports Illustrated]

Carlos Zambrano Apologizes to Teammate Carlos Marmol

Carlos Zambrano is super sorry. Again.

The high-strung Chicago Cubs hurler bitched about Carlos Marmol giving up the tying RBI double on a slider to Ryan Theriot in the ninth inning of their team's 3-2 loss to the St. Louis Cardinals on Sunday. Zambrano, who clearly never makes mistakes, said after the game that the closer should have gone with a fastball instead.

Though he apologized to Marmol in person, he had this to say while explaining himself to the media on Monday:

"What I said yesterday was in a moment of frustration. I apologized to Marmol. Let’s move on."

Frustration is understandable when your club is fifth in the National League Central -- 11 games out of first place -- and coming off the ass end of a sweep by the rival first-place Cardinals. However, you need to learn to control yourself man.

This, just a few days after he flipped the eff out while whiffing on a rookie curveball.

[Hardball Talk]

Miguel Cabrera Arrested for Drunk Driving

Oh, Miguel Cabrera. When will you ever learn? The first baseman was arrested late Wednesday night on suspicion of drunken driving in Florida, not the first alcohol-related problem for the Detroit Tigers player who was thought to be rehabilitated and recovering.

The Motown slugger was found by a deputy, chilling in his 2005 Land Rover with a smoking engine alongside a road in Fort Pierce. According to the officer, Cabrera smelled like booze and his speech was slurred.

But wait, there's more. Cabrera actually took a swig from a bottle of scotch right in front of a deputy. Then, he refused to cooperate and more deputies were called to the scene. Yep, he was bombed.

According to the police report, the 27-year-old All-Star was wandering into the road with his hands in the air before he was handcuffed and actually said this:

"Do you know who I am?! You don’t know anything about my problems," while cussing at the deputies who tried to get him into a patrol car.

Baltimore Orioles Pitcher Alfredo Simon Denied Bail

Alfredo Simon was denied bail Tuesday morning and will in turn remain jailed on a month-old charge of involuntary manslaughter.

The Baltimore Orioles reliever will likely stay behind bars for an entire year while officials investigate the fatal shooting from New Year’s Eve in the city of Luperon in Puerto Plata.

The 29-year-old pitcher’s lawyer claims Simon was firing celebratory shots in the air. However, one bullet killed 25-year-old Michel Castillo and injured his 17-year-old brother, Starlling Castillo.

Simon's defense attorney Dinosa Dilone had this to say:

We think the judge acted in such a way to avoid a reaction from the media. There is already forensic evidence that Simon’s weapon did not cause the death of the victim.

Simon, who went 4-2 with a 4.93 ERA and 17 saves for the Orioles last season, could face up to two years in prison if convicted of involuntary manslaughter.

[MLB]

Surprise! Milton Bradley Arrested in California

I would hope by now that most of you are well aware of the fact that Milton Bradley is a bit of a loose cannon. In fact, he's what many would consider a total nut job. He's like five beers short of a six pack. One stamp short of postal. About four cents short of a nickel. You get the idea.

In case you would like some back story, here is a neat little timeline of all the crazy crap he's done. We had quite a bit of fun putting that together last Spring. Actually, it took forever.

Alfredo Simon Surrenders to Dominican Police

It's all fun and games until someone is charged with manslaughter.

Baltimore Orioles reliever Alfredo Simon surrendered to police Monday, facing an involuntary manslaughter charge in a fatal New Year’s Eve shooting in the Dominican Republic.

Free agent second baseman Julio Lugo was hanging out with Simon, and eventually convinced him to turn himself in after fleeing the scene.

According to his lawyer, Carlos Olivares, Simon was merely firing off celebratory shots into the air, which ended up killing his 25-year-old cousin, Michel Castillo Almonte, and wounding his other cousin, a 17-year-old boy.

However, Public Prosecutor Victor Mueses has a different story: