Scary Fernando Rodney Bullies Tampa Bay Rays into Giving Him a One-Year Deal

It's no secret that Fernando Rodney scares the crap out of us. In fact, we're pretty sure that he frightened the Tampa Bay Rays into giving him a one-year contract worth $2 million on Wednesday. The deal even has a club option for 2013. Hot Stove in Tampa Bay!

Let's be serious here for a minute. The right-hander's 4.50 ERA with the Los Angeles Angels last season doesn't exactly scream, "show me the money."

Rodney, who turns 35 in March, has seen his value sink drastically over the past two seasons. After signing a two-year, $11 million deal with the Halos back in 2009 as a free agent, he went on to provide the team with just 17 saves in 28 chances and compile a 7-8 record. He is a career 22-38 with a nice bloated 4.29 ERA over parts of nine seasons with the Angels and Detroit Tigers and has notched 87 saves in the past decade. What an athlete.

At least he can look forward to competing with Kyle Farnsworth in Tampa for the closer's job, which should be no competition at all. Because if Farny gets a job before you do, you have absolutely no business in the big leagues, pal.

[ESPN]

Barry Bonds Gets a Slap on the Wrist, Manages to Avoid Jail Time

The Barry Bonds fiasco is finally over... at least for now.

Upon his conviction for giving "misleading testimony" (a.k.a. lying his ass off) before a grand jury investigating steroid use in sports, the Home Run King was sentenced to 30 days of house arrest, two years probation, a $4,000 fine, and 250 hours of community service on Friday. The federal judge cited his many charitable donations as part of the reason actual jail time seemed irrational.

Philadelphia Phillies Boggle Our Minds, Sign Dontrelle Willis to One-Year Deal

Monday's signing of Dontrelle Willis by the Philadelphia Phillies for one year, $1 million is a bit surprising. In fact, we don't see the point in it whatsoever.

The 30-year-old lefty went 1-6 with a nice, round 5.00 ERA last season with the Cincinnati Reds, who saw just about enough of that. I mean, really. Willis is going to round out their pitching staff? It's like they're just making it rain to show off at this point.

Apparently he is expected to pitch out of the bullpen for the Phillies, which should be interesting considering he's enjoyed just three relief appearances in nine career seasons. It's not 2005 anymore guys. So not only is Willis happy to be signing with a contender of all things, he's more than likely thrilled to be pitching at all.

[ESPN]

Delmon Young Hits Homer in First Tigers At Bat

Former Minnesota Twins left fielder Delmon Young, who was traded to the Detroit Tigers Monday afternoon for a couple minor leaguers, had a pretty nice start to the career with his new team.

Hitting in the no. 3 spot, he jacked a first-inning solo shot off former teammate and friend Francisco Liriano. This, after going yard just four times with the Twins all season.

The Attempted Revival of Andruw Jones' Career

Andruw Jones and the New York Yankees agreed to a $2 million, one-year contract on Thursday, according to an anonymous leaker familiar with team negotiations. The deal, which includes the opportunity to earn an additional $1.2 million in performance bonuses, is pending a physical.

Jones is expected to make some sort of impact as a right-handed slugger behind Brett Gardner, Curtis Granderson and Nick Swisher... although I don't predict much slugging happening for him at all.

Back on the D-Train

We've returned from a much-needed three week vacation to the news that yet another (sucker of a) team has agreed to give Dontrelle Willis a shot at reviving his once-promising career.

The Cincinnati Reds have agreed to a minor league deal with the lefty, who has struggled, to say the least, over recent years.

Jose Canseco is Suicidal

...or he's just a whole lot dumber than we thought.

Remember when Jose Canseco made his MMA debut where he was completely mangled by Korean giant Hong Man Choi? Comedy gold.

Well, that will seem like innocent child's play when compared to the imminent murder the former big leaguer-turned-tattletale will endure at the hands of Herschel Walker. Even at 48 years old (this March 2) the former NFL running back and all-around badass will no doubt dish out a whoopin' Canseco will never forget. Unless he has brain damage.

Here's a video of Dan Black interviewing Canseco, who nonchalantly claims he's going to "take down" Walker.

[SportsUntapped]

Remember When Mark Mulder Was Awesome?

Apparently, recent reports saying that Mark Mulder was going to retire are not exactly accurate. According to his agent, Gregg Clifton, "Mulder has not made a decision." However, Milwaukee Brewers' pitching coach Rick Peterson and former Oakland Athletics teammate Eric Chavez have confirmed the rumors.

Either way, the oft-injured lefty probably should just call it quits. The Big Three days are long gone, and I think most of us were under the impression he already did, anyhow.

Mulder, 32, was the American League's Cy Young Award runner-up in 2001 when he led the league in shutouts and wins, and went on to become an All-Star in 2003 and 2004 when he led the league in complete games.

Top 10 Players Who Should Never Un-Retire

In the wake of former retired gunslinger Brett Favre's signing with the Minnesota Vikings, we've asked some of our favorite bloggers to help us compile a list of ten baseball players who they hope never ever make a comeback.

Since we came up with way more than 10 players we never want to see again, it was pretty tough to choose. However, some of them were dead, so that made it easier. That's all baseball needs is a zombie problem. P.S. Our two-cents are in italics.

10. Jon Pyle, Pyle of List: Ozzie Smith. He's so damn classy, that I couldn't stand it."

9. Matt, BoSox Injection: "Jose Offerman." (The game has been dangerous enough lately with players like Kevin Youkilis around.)

Breaking Um... News

Sammy Sosa has retired from baseball.

Yeah, I was almost positive he'd already retired, as well, but let's go ahead and call this news anyway. To make a long story short, Sosa has announced that he's going to make an announcement. He seemed to have missed the spotlight, so he chirped up and said,

"Hey guys! Remember me? I'm going to retire now, since I haven't played a major league baseball game since 2007 and no one wants my services."

Continue reading this story at Fantasy Pros 911.

So Long, Tom Glavine

The Atlanta Braves, in an attempt to make themselves seem younger, released 305-game winner Tom Glavine this afternoon.

After undergoing surgery to repair his shoulder and elbow, the aging lefty semi-triumphantly returned to the team he spent the first 16 seasons of his career with (1987-2002) before dating the Mets for five years and then deciding he missed his old flame.

So, am I the only one surprised by this move? I thought he was all set to make his big league return pretty soon. He tossed six scoreless innings for the Class-A Rome Braves Tuesday night and said himself that he was ready to pitch in the majors again.

Write a Book About It, Jose Canseco

Jose Canseco faced Korean monster Hong Man Choi in his Mixed Martal Arts debut (a.k.a. his latest attempt at maintaining semi-celebrity status) Tuesday in Yokohama, Japan. He lasted exactly 1:05 seconds longer than I expected. Way to not have any broken bones, buddy!

Speaking of steroids, check out these before and after photos from Sports 2 Debate.

[NY Daily News]

Eastbound & Down: Holy Crap

Being a Will Ferrell fan, among a lover of America's Pastime, I was forced to watch HBO's new series, Eastbound & Down this weekend.

If you're unfamiliar, the show's premise is the sorry life of a washed-up big league pitcher, Kenny Powers (played with brute force by Danny McBride) who rocks the curly mullet and mustache in a shameless fashion that rivals only his diminishing fastball. He wants back in the game something fierce, but he's out of shape and baseball is out of patience, so he currently makes a living as a substitute gym teacher in his hometown.

He's John Rocker, Roger Clemens, David Wells, Kenny Rogers, and Curt Schilling all rolled up into one big, pompous asshole. Produced by Ferrell and Adam McKay, the over-the-top comedy airs Sundays at 10:30pm ET on HBO right after another of my favorite shows ever, Flight of the Conchords. So if you're not doing anything this Sunday night, check it out. You're only two episodes behind, which isn't too bad since you'll probably pee a little.

[HBO.com]

Sweet Move New York

Congratulations to the New York Yankees for the sweet Richie Sexson pickup this week?

The monster third baseman was batting .218 before the Seattle Mariners released him on July 10th. However, this does not concern the Yanks, who are 5-15 against left-handed pitching this year.

It just so happens that the right-handed hitting Sexson will start against lefties, who he took for 5 homers and a .344 average in 61 at bats (21-for-61) this season. He stunk against right-handers, batting just .178 against them.

Ah, this all looks very good on paper.

[Seattle Times] | [Rejected Reality] | [Yankees Locker] | [Yankees Chick]

Chan Ho Park Sent Down to Minors

Chan Ho Park signed with the New York Mets for an opportunity to be a starting pitcher with a successful club. He was unhappily sent to the bullpen this week before being optioned to AAA New Orleans this weekend.

As expected, they have chosen to keep Mike Pelfrey around instead and will recall him in two weeks when they need a fifth starter.

The Mets pondered whether to keep 11 or 12 pitchers - eventually going with 11 - keeping the actual reliever in hard-throwing righty Ambiorix Burgos rather than the converted one in Park.

Mets Give Wil Cordero a Shot

On Wednesday, the New York Mets signed veteran infielder Wil Cordero, who did not play once last season, to a minor league contract.

In 29 games with the Washington Nationals in 2005, Cordero batted a craptastic .118 (6-for-51), hitting just .197 (13-for-66) with the Florida Marlins the previous season.

The 35-year-old Puerto Rican native is a career .273 hitter with 122 homers and 566 RBI in 1,247 games with eight different clubs since 1991.

[New York Post]