Philadelphia Phillies Release Dontrelle Willis

Well, they gave him a shot.

The Philadelphia Phillies have officially released Dontrelle Willis Friday morning, announcing the move via Twitter very plainly.

The 30-year-old lefty signed a non-guaranteed contract with the team back in December worth $850,000 over one year with the hopes of competing for a spot in the bullpen this spring. This in itself may have been hard for him to swallow after spending all nine of his big league seasons as a starter.

Unfortunately, in three appearances this spring, Willis allowed five earned runs on five hits with four walks in just 2.2 innings. Yikes. The good news is he will receive $139,000 in severance pay.

So what happened to the D-Train? Remember when he was kinda awesome? The 2003 National League Rookie of the Year made two All-Star appearances with the Florida Marlins and even finished second in the NL Cy Young Award voting in 2005. Those were the days cause it's pretty much been downhill from there. He tried a career revival back in 2010 with the Cincinnati Reds too, after lasting just 33 days with the Arizona Diamondbacks, but I think it's safe to say it's over buddy.

Who knows, maybe he didn't take enough protein supplements or something. Hopefully this whole ordeal doesn't trigger his anxiety disorder again... There's always Mexican baseball. Or coaching little league. Those who can't do, teach!

[USA Today]

Minnesota Twins Give Matt Capps One-Year Deal, We LOL

Well, it's not so much that we laughed out loud... it was more like a disgusted groan. Out loud. Then we chuckled at the absolute stupidity of the deal, and our rash belief that Terry Ryan was going to do anything to point the Minnesota Twins in the opposite direction of bad decisions.

Those feelings were the aftermath of the news that the club has re-signed that fat, save-blowing sucktard Matt Capps to a one-year deal for $4.75 million. DOLLARS. Apparently they were feeling generous and even threw in a club option for 2013.

We understand Joe Nathan's are some big shoes to fill. At least they used to be. But Capps? MATT CAPPS? Haven't we been through this already? Guess not. Ryan has been quoted as saying he thinks "Capps will bounce back," which we agree with. That's what chubsters do: they bounce.

Also, Capps is not familiar with striking people out: he fanned just 34 batters in 65.2 innings last season on top of his unacceptable 4.25 ERA.

/face palm

[Hardball Talk]

Theo Epstein Officially Joins Cubs, Ben Cherington Likely Replacement in Boston

A guest post from our girl Muffin Top to support her new blogging endeavors.

An incredible run that included two World Series Championships (and three extra playoff berths via Wild Card) for the youngest ever general manager in baseball at the time ended on a sour note with fried chicken, beer bellies, and mayhem last month before Theo Epstein decided to abandon ship and head for Chicago.

Not sure it will be any smoother sailing in the windy city, but Theo Epstein is always up for a challenge... except that one time he quit his general manager job for five days upon sneaking out of Fenway Park disguised as a gorilla. We all do things we're not proud of.

Epstein, now 37, officially resigned from his position as Red Sox general manager Friday night and became the president of baseball operations for the Cubs. Of course, fans on the North Side are especially giddy, considering they haven't won a World Series since back in 1908. The one man who seems equipped for the job of bringing that end of the city their first Championship in over a century made it possible for Boston after an 86-year drought before they captured another ring three years later in 2007.

Behold, Your 2011 Comeback Players of the Year: Jacoby Ellsbury and Lance Berkman

The 2011 Comeback Players of the year have officially been awarded to Jacoby Ellsbury and Lance Berkman.

After struggling through an injury-plagued 2010 season, the 35-year-old Berkman has gotten back on track and helped to bring his Wild-Card winning St. Louis Cardinals deep into the postseason. The switch-hitting outfielder batted .301 with 31 homers and 94 RBI to win the National League award. After dropping 20 pounds over the offseason, Fat Elvis ranked in the top 10 in the NL in homers, walks (92), slugging percentage .547) and on-base percentage (.412) this season. Way to go, buddy.

It wasn't that tough for Ellsbury, the recipient of the American League honors, to earn the comeback award. He participated in just 18 games last season due to injuries and hit only .192. However, he did set career highs with the Boston Red Sox in most of the offensive categories this year, batting .321 with 32 bombs, 105 RBI, 46 doubles, five triples, 119 runs scored, and 39 stolen bases. That's 30-30 baby.

The 28-year-old outfielder became the first Boston player to hit 30 homers and steal 30 bases in a season, but unfortunately his Red Sox totally blew it in September and failed miserably at joining the fun in October.

[ESPN]

As if this Whole Mess is Terry Francona's Fault

According to several sources, including Ken Rosenthal, Terry Francona and the Boston Red Sox will be parting ways this offseason, which began some time Thursday morning when Sawx Nation woke up and realized this was all not just a bad dream, and they indeed had missed the playoffs.

The decision to let Francona go was on the shoulders of principal owner John Henry, who has apparently seen enough over the past month. He would not be fired, rather the club would simply not pick up his 2012 and '13 option.

Of course, now that Ozzie Guillen has left the Chicago White Sox to spend the next four seasons with the Miami Marlins, there is some speculation that Francona could take the job on the South Side, since he already managed five seasons with their minor-league system in the early 1990s. Speaking of Chicago, Mike Quade is bound to get canned, so there's a possibility Tito could end up on the North Side as well.

In what has been deemed one of the worst collapses in the history of baseball, Boston and their $161 million payroll (third highest in the majors) dropped 20 of their 27 final games due to a lethal combination of untimely injuries, crappy pitching, lethargic offense, and perhaps even some mismanagement. Yes, 2011 was a complete failure.

General manager Theo Epstein said, "nobody blames Tito for what happened in September. That would be totally irresponsible and totally short-sighted."

Totally.

Rays Win, Red Sox Lose, AL Wild Card All Tied Up

With only two games remaining in the regular season, the American League Wild-Card is all knotted up between the Boston Red Sox and Tampa Bay Rays.

Boston found yet another way to lose a ballgame Monday evening, squandering their one-game lead over the Tampa Bay Rays with a 6-3 loss to the Baltimore Orioles. This marks their 17th failure in 22 games, creating a giant sucking sound out of Beantown.

Josh Beckett started for Boston and ended up surrendering seven runs on six hits over six innings, losing to the Orioles for the second time in less than a week. Ouch. An attempted rally in the eighth was thwarted when the Red Sox loaded the bases with one out, missing the opportunity when Pedro Strop struck out Jarrod Saltalamacchia (who was hit in the throat with a foul ball in the bottom half of the inning) and retired Marco Scutaro on a grounder to end the threat.

The Red Sox must win their final two games, and at worst, back into the postseason by winning a one-game playoff against the Rays. That would be the most exciting scenario, of course, but either way they control their own destiny. Former Oriole Erik Bedard will face his old team Tuesday night against rookie left-hander Zach Britton, who has a career 10.80 ERA against the Red Sox over two games this season. Looking good for Boston.

Phillies Beat Braves for Win No. 100, Cardinals Lose

The Atlanta Braves were enjoying an early two-tun lead against Cliff Lee Monday night, but the postseason-bound Philadelphia Phillies did what they do best, rallying for their 100th victory of the season with a 4-2 win.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals managed to lose to the last-place Houston Astros 5-4 on a crazy squeeze bunt in the 10th inning, leaving Atlanta's Wild-Card lead at one game over St. Louis. The Braves are on quite the skid at this point, dropping their third straight and seventh of their last 10 for a 9-16 September record with just two games left in the regular season.

This marks the third time in franchise history that the Phillies have earned 100 victories, so that's pretty neat for them. Derek Lowe, who has struggled recently, will pitch for the Braves Tuesday evening against Roy Oswalt while Jake Westbrook (12-9, 4.48 ERA) takes the hill for the Cards against rookie right-hander Henry Sosa, who has never faced St. Louis in real life. Good luck buddy!

[MLB]

What's that Sucking Sound? Oh, it's Just the Pirates

The Pittsburgh Pirates are on quite a roll.

After their 7-3 loss to the San Diego Padres on Sunday, they've lost ten games in a row. And it's only going to get better as the week goes on when they head to San Francisco to take on the reigning World Series Champion Giants on Monday for a three-game series. Oh, the humanity.

Speaking of suckery, Sunday's failure completed an 0-7 homestand at PNC Park against the last-place Padres and Chicago Cubs, two teams that were a combined 39 games under .500 when the week began. Those guys out-scored the Bucs 59-25 after they were swept in Philadelphia to kick off the week.

This marks the first time ever in the history of their franchise -- that's 125 years -- that they've ever gone winless on a homestand of at least seven games. In fact, no team in the big leagues has had a homestand that long without a win since Kansas City sucked ass back in May 2006.

Just terrible.

The odd thing is, the Pirates were leading their division as recently as July 26. Bizarro! Just goes to show you anything can happen in the game of baseball.

[The Associated Press]

CC Sabathia is a Big Fat Strikeout Machine

CC Sabathia, or Captain Cheeseburger as we so fondly call him, was an absolute beast on the hill Tuesday.

The New York Yankees left-hander struck out a career-high 14 Seattle Mariners in his team's 4-1 victory, providing the Mariners with their 17th straight loss and himself with his 15th win on the season.

Sabathia flirted with perfection, not allowing a base runner until Brendan Ryan singled with one out in the seventh inning. And he fanned seven guys in a row at one point... just filthy dirty. Then he got a little tired I guess, cause he walked the first three batters of the following inning before being lifted for David Robertson... who struck out four more Mariners.

Rangers Crush Twins with 20-6 Demolition

The Minnesota Twins headed down to Texas to take on the smoking hot Texas Rangers Monday for a three-game series. They got their asses kicked like a little league team in game one.

In all fairness, scoring six runs should be good enough to win a ballgame. Unless the other team scores 20 and you're forced to put your right fielder on the hill in the eighth inning after using up all your pitching staff.

After five innings, the Rangers were dominating the Twins by a score of 18-1. Twenty-seven hits later, fans in Arlington were chuckling at the scoreboard that read: "No Wave Warning. Doing the wave is safe at pro football games and Miley Cyrus concerts. Children doing the wave will be sold to the circus."

Twins fans got a treat in the eighth inning when Michael Cuddyer dashed out from the bullpen, becoming the first Twins position player since 1990 to pitch in relief. It wasn't pretty, but after two hits and a walk that loaded up the bases, he got of the jam and gave his team one more chance for a comeback. Four grand slams oughta do it!

Can the Mariners Get their Crap Together?

We mentioned last week how much the Seattle Mariners were sucking at baseball, and after an entire weekend, that is still the case.

Generally, records and milestones are pretty awesome accomplishments. In the 43-58 Mariners' case, the record they set on Sunday is rather embarrassing. The club suffered a franchise-worst 15th straight loss upon a 12-8 rout by the Boston Red Sox that afternoon, etching this particular team's name into the Seattle Museum of Suckdom.

What's that Sucking Sound? Oh, it's Just the Mariners

While the Texas Rangers just finished enjoying a nice 12-game winning streak, the Seattle Mariners are on the complete other side of the spectrum.

The Mariners lost their 11th straight game Wednesday night at the hands of the Toronto Blue Jays by a score of 11-6, their 15th loss in 20 games. This marks their longest skid since back in 2008 when they dropped 12 consecutive games... which isn't looking like it's going to be the record.

Things were looking up right away in the first inning when the M's loaded the bases off Brandon Morrow with no one out, but of course, failed to score. They've managed five runs in back-to-back games now for the first time since June 2 and 3 - both of which they won against the Tampa Bay Rays - but it apparently wasn't enough against the Jays.

Let's see if Seattle can manage to halt this streak of suckiness, or tie their all-time record for consecutive losses. I'm gonna go with the latter this afternoon, only because Doug Fister is on the hill against Ricky Romero, who's had career luck against everyone in the order other than Ichiro... which goes without saying.

[Sweet Spot]

Marlins Get Jack McKeon First Victory

Jack McKeon still has his work cut out work him, but he was able to celebrate for a moment Tuesday night.

The Florida Marlins spankin' new 80-year-old manager earned his first victory since coming out of retirement when his team finally snapped their 11-game losing streak by topping the Los Angeles Angels 5-2.

McKeon, who replaced the quitter Edwin Rodriguez, had this to say about his one win:

"We’re a summer team. Today is the first day of the summer. We like to play much better baseball in the summer than we do in the spring. So watch out from now on because summer’s here, and we’re here."

Okay... good luck Jack!

[Baseball Nation]

Vin Mazzaro Historically Sucky Against Indians

Our condolences if Vin Mazzaro is on your fantasy baseball team. I'm sure he doesn't suck this much all the time, but he sure stunk up Kauffman Stadium last night. In fact, the poor guy was historically sucky.

The Kansas City Royals reliever was absolutely shelled Monday evening, surrendering a big league-record 14 runs in just 2.1 innings of "relief" -- including 10 in the fourth -- during his team's 19-1 loss to the smoking hot Cleveland Indians. According to STATS, LLC., no relief pitcher has ever given up that many runs in that short of an outing... at least not since 1919 when their database was created.

Mazzaro, who did manage to get seven outs while watching his ERA explode to 22.74, had this to say about his incredible performance:

"It’s tough. It was a tough game. Some of the plays didn’t go my way. It’s a funny game."

He was sent down to the minors immediately following the loss... and there's nothing "funny" about that. Unless you're me.

[Hardball Talk]

Even the Cubs Think Carlos Silva Sucks

Not only is Carlos Silva not going to make the Chicago Cubs Opening Day roster, he has been released by the club.

The Cubs are prepared to eat the 31-year-old right-hander's $11.5 million salary this season after he made it clear this weekend he would not accept a minor league assignment if no teams would accept a trade for him.

Silva's reaction:

"Riggs came to me and said, 'What a day, and now go out there and do your workout and continue pitching the way you’re doing,' A half-hour later, he called me into the hall and started talking to me. I’m like, if you have to say something, be straight. He has to learn he’s in the big leagues now, know what I mean? There’s no kids around here anymore."

Silva might feel betrayed, but the team's move could have a little something to do with his 1-2 record and 10.90 ERA over five appearances this spring. Thus, Andrew Cashner was given the fifth starting spot.

Happy trails, Carlos!

[Chicago Tribune]

Back on the D-Train

We've returned from a much-needed three week vacation to the news that yet another (sucker of a) team has agreed to give Dontrelle Willis a shot at reviving his once-promising career.

The Cincinnati Reds have agreed to a minor league deal with the lefty, who has struggled, to say the least, over recent years.

Mike Quade Gets the Cubs Job

After 102 years without a championship, the Chicago Cubs will turn to Mike Quade to right the ship. No pressure, pal.

Quade was the team’s third base coach for the past four seasons before serving as the interim manager after Lou Piniella went home to take care of his sick mama in August.

After leading the Cubs to a 24-13 record under his supervision, Quade was handed a two-year contract with a club option for 2013 on Tuesday.

The Northsiders finished the season at 75-87, which is just not good enough for a team whose payroll is roughly $145 million.

Get Your Crap Together, Brooks Conrad

When your team is smack-dab in the middle of a pennant race and you literally help put two runs on the board for the opposing team, it's time to either get your head out of your rear or ride the bench.

Do slump busters work for fielding too?

Atlanta Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad committed not one, not two, but THREE ERRORS during his team's 3-2 loss on Sunday to the San Francisco Giants, who are now ahead 2-1 in the series and threatening to eliminate Bobby Cox's last hope for a World Series title.

Conrad bobbled a grounder in the first, dropped a piece-of-cake pop-up in the second that scored a run, and then he made the most embarrassing fielding error of all: a ground ball rolled through the guy's legs in the ninth inning of a tie ballgame. Right through the wickets to allow the winning run.

What's That Sucking Sound?

Oh it's just the Pittsburgh Pirates.

One good thing about the club enduring one of the crappiest seasons in 50 years? They're assured the no. 1 pick in the 2011 June amateur draft.

Well on their way to their first 100-loss season since 2001, it will be impossible to finish with a worse record than any other of the 29 teams in major league baseball. Hey, someone has to finish last.

Manager John Russell makes nice use of the word "abysmal" after his team's 100th loss:

Get Well Soon, David DeJesus

Kansas City's David DeJesus is out until at least September, if not for the remainder of the season. The Royals' smokin' hot left fielder tore a ligament in his thumb trying to make a play on Derek Jeter's inside the park homer at Yankee Stadium on Thursday night. DeHotness will be having surgery to repair the ligament on Monday.

This comes as a crushing blow to the Kansas City lineup, as DeJesus is definitely one of their better players. Going into the game on Thursday, he had been batting .318 with 5 bombs and 37 RBIs. For now, the team has called Alex Gordon up from AAA Omaha to take DeJesus's spot on the roster. When Gordon was sent to Omaha in May, he was hitting a whopping .194. Since then, he's been batting .215 with 14 homers and 44 RBIs.