Lenny Dykstra Bitches Out, Pulls a No-Show in Jose Canseco Boxing Match

As I'm sure you are aware, Jose Canseco's brain has almost completely melted due to repeated steroid use and advanced egomania. However, he has just enough brain cells left to hit other fighters, random celebrities, and former ballplayers in the face during what could be referred to as "MMA" bouts.

A match between the former Bash Brother and everyone's favorite hot mess Lenny Dysktra was scheduled for November 5 and was actually going to air on Pay-Per-View. Anyway, that didn't happen because Nails didn't bother showing up. I hope all ten people planning on watching got their $19.95 back.

The former Phillies/Mets outfielder, who is a total disaster and is currently enjoying a stay in a rehab facility in Los Angeles, claims he was never actually scheduled to fight Canseco. This, despite being paid $5,000 ahead of time on Thursday, with another $10,000 coming after the match. Former manager Dan Herman, who quit on Friday after confirming that Dykstra was paid a portion of his purse in advance, had this to say in the aftermath:

"I grew up idolizing Lenny Dykstra but it was all a lie."

Canseco Goes Yard in Debut, Spaceman Returns

Before Monday night, the last time Jose Canseco had hit a home run was in a Chicago White Sox uniform on October 3, 2001 off Mike Mussina. The former Bash Brother ended his slump by going yard in his first at bat for the Laredo Broncos in their 16-8 win over the Rio Grande Valley WhiteWings of the independent United Baseball League.

Get Well Soon, Nelson Cruz's Hamstring

Nelson Cruz has been placed on the disabled list for the third time this season for the same pesky hamstring issue.

The Texas Rangers moved their right fielder to the 15-day DL on Monday prior to their game against the Tampa Bay Rays, retroactive to Sunday. On Saturday, Cruz left the game with a tight left hamstring and an MRI the following day revealed some inflammation, but thankfully no tears.

Despite missing 37 games so far, Cruz is batting .320 with 16 home runs and 64 RBI.

Speaking of Texas baseball, Jose Canseco has signed a short-term contract with the Independent League Laredo Broncos. The controversial former slugger will be coaching from the bench and serving as a designated hitter during two Broncos' homestands starting Monday. He'll also be available during the August 28-30 series against the Coastal Bend Thunder. Publicity stunt or no, he grosses us out.

[AP] | [ESPN] | [Lonestar Ball]

Jose Canseco to Fight Senior Citizen

Jose Canseco has gone from former bash brother to wanna-be prize fighter. In the three bouts he's been in, he's gone 0-2-1: there was the priceless knockout by Vai Sikahema, the ass-kicking via Hong Man Choi, and the inevitable draw with Danny Bonaduce.

His next fight should be a doozy. This time, he's going up against former University of Arkansas Little Rock head baseball coach, Gary Hogan, who is in damn good shape for a 60-year-old man.

Blah Blah Steroids: Jose Canseco

Can you imagine the sort of shady crap you'd have to be involved with for the FEDERAL BUREAU of INVESTIGATION to show up at your doorstep? Yeah, that kind of thing only happens on television... unless you're Jose Canseco.

I happened to be scanning my Tweetdeck this afternoon when @JoseCanseco (yes, I totally follow him and yes, aside from the fact he has a little trouble with spelling and some anger management issues, it's pretty entertaining) tweeted the following...

Write a Book About It, Jose Canseco

Jose Canseco faced Korean monster Hong Man Choi in his Mixed Martal Arts debut (a.k.a. his latest attempt at maintaining semi-celebrity status) Tuesday in Yokohama, Japan. He lasted exactly 1:05 seconds longer than I expected. Way to not have any broken bones, buddy!

Speaking of steroids, check out these before and after photos from Sports 2 Debate.

[NY Daily News]

Jose Canseco Demands Your Attention

...along with an apology from baseball.

First of all, baseball is a game, not a person. It can't apologize for anything, especially for scorning a former player who had a shot at being a Hall of Famer before greed made his giant head even more hideously inflated.

Continue reading this story at Fantasy Pros 911.

Jose Canseco is a Criminal

Let's pause to really take in that head shot.

Okay.

Jose Canseco has been charged with drug smuggling. That sounds pretty exciting and everything, until you read further and find out he was busted trying to bring a fertility drug across the border from Tijuana, Mexico.

But Canseco wasn't trying to make babies. Thank god. Apparently, this specific drug (human chorionic gonadotropin) is banned by the World Anti-Doping Agency because it helps restore production of testosterone in steroid users.

Blah Blah Fertility Drugs. Blah Blah Steroids.

[Union Tribune] | [Jose Canseco's Pool Parties] | [TMZ]

Jose Canseco: Here We Go Again

As if we didn't love Jose Canseco enough, he's giving us a special treat for Opening Day 2008: the release of his new book Vindicated. Catchy title, eh?

Former Sports Illustrated writer Don Yaeger is set to collaborate on the project with Canseco, who has a habit of wearing tacky silk shirts and leather caps. You might recognize Yaeger from his recent work with former Duke men's lacrosse coach Mike Pressler on It's Not About the Truth, an account of the Duke lacrosse team's 2006 rape-charge. Hey, the man loves a good alleged scandal.

The sequel to Canseco's 2005 best-seller Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant 'Roids, Smash Hits, and How Baseball Got Big, will supposedly add a few names to the incomplete Mitchell Report and basically attack America's Pastime all over again.

One small hint into who may be bashed in the book came after Canseco was denied entrance into the press conference at the Grand Hyatt following the release of The Report. Later that day, he appeared on several television broadcasts to discuss the findings of George Mitchell, saying that he was shocked three-time MVP Alex Rodriguez was not among the players identified as users of performance enhancers.

Here we go again.

[NY Daily News]