[VIDEO] Yu Darvish Becomes Fastest Starter to 500 Strikeouts

Even after missing three weeks, Yu Darvish came back doing what he does best: throw strikes.

Fresh of the disabled list from neck discomfort, the lanky right-hander allowed seven hits over seven scoreless innings Sunday to help his Texas Rangers avoid a three-game sweep with a 3-0 win over the Tampa Bay Rays.

He struck out six and walked one, leaving the Rays hitless in 10 at-bats with runners in scoring position during his season debut.

Darvish got right down to business, accomplishing his 500th career strikeout by fanning David DeJesus and Wil Myers in the first inning. In fact, the 401.2 innings in which he did so was the fewest number of innings for any starter to reach that milestone in major league history. That's just three innings fewer than that of the old record holder, Kerry Wood.

The Rangers are hoping for another stellar season out of Darvish after his performance last year, in which he boasted a 2.83 ERA with a league-best 277 strikeouts and 13-9 record in 32 starts.

Happy Trails Ivan Rodriguez: Pudge Finally Retires

The Supreme Court sides with Larry Flynt in the defamation suit Hustler Magazine v. Falwell in February. In April, Sonny Bono is elected mayor of Palm Springs, California, and Roy Orbison dies of a heart attack in December.

The year was 1988, the same year the Texas Rangers signed Ivan Rodriguez out of Puerto Rico. Old. School.

After 21 seasons in the big leagues (yep, some of you aren't even that old) Rodriguez is hanging up his catching equipment. The 40-year-old backstop, who owns the all-time record for Gold Gloves at catcher (13), intends to announce his retirement formally at a ceremony on Monday in Arlington, where he spent his first 12 big league seasons.

Texas Rangers Give Derek Holland and His Mustache 5 Years, $28 Million

Derek Holland and the Texas Rangers agreed to a five year, $28 million deal on Tuesday, keeping the pubescent-looking lefty in Arlington through 2016.

The 25-year-old Holland went 16-5 last season, pitching lights out, two-hit ball over 8.1 shutout innings against the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 4 of the World Series. In fact, in 12 postseason appearances over the past two years, he is 3-0 with a 3.82 ERA. Not too shabby I suppose.

With Neftali Feliz moving to the rotation to join Colby Lewis, Alexi Ogando, Matt Harrison, and the offseason addition of Yu Darvish, Rangers fans can barely remember that straight edge prankster they once loved to pieces.

Holland could have become a free agent in 2015, but had this to say on that very topic:

"I know I gave up that stuff, the three years, but to me it’s all about being in Texas and wearing that Texas uniform and going back and getting some championships. I’m very excited to be a part of this. We’ve got an unbelievable team. We’ve got upcoming stars coming up through the organization, and I want to be part of that, as well. I want to show them what it takes to be up here. That’s my main objective is to carry out what I’ve been doing, continue to work hard."

He went on to say that the most important thing on his to-do list is purchasing a home in Dallas. And some cowboy boots and a giant belt buckle, of course. I mean, just look at him.

[ESPN]

Season Previews: Texas Rangers

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. We'll begin our preview of the American League West (and the American League in general) by taking a nice long look at the 2012 Texas Rangers.

Check out Yu Darvish
We call him "Whirling Darvish"
C.J. Wilson who?

We love Hamilton
As much as he loves whipped cream
Stay sober buddy!

Gentry in center
The one and only Nelson
Cruz out in right field

So long Teagarden
Mike Napoli is the man
Check out his back up:

Torrealba was
Suspended this winter for
Bitch-slapping an ump

Mitch Moreland at first
Beltre across the diamond
Kinsler at second

Elvis at short stop
No bench in the infield there
Except for Snyder

Josh Hamilton Relapses, no Whipped Cream was Harmed in the Event

We like to take long breaks from blogging just before Spring Training gets underway. Obviously. But what better way to get back into the game than waking up to hear the news of Josh Hamilton's alcohol relapse. Sadly, no whipped cream was harmed in the process.

The Texas Rangers outfielder didn't come out and admit his relapse to the press, however. No, some tattle tales "familiar with the episode" felt it was their responsibility to let us all know he was drinking booze at a Dallas area bar this week.

If you're familiar with alcoholism, you know know that one drink is really never okay for a drunk. Some people just can't hang, and Hamilton is one of those folks. The 30-year-old All Star outfielder was suspended for more than three years for drug and alcohol abuse back when he was with the Tampa Bay organization, missing the entire 2004 and 2005 seasons. However, he rebounded to become a household name and give hope to addicts everywhere.

In August of 2009, he relapsed during a wild night without his wife and Jesus, licking body shots and whipped cream off scantily clad hookers young ladies at a bar in Tempe, Arizona. Of course, he tried to claim that the photos were old, but background shots of the spankin' new MLB Network channel on the televisions in the background had him busted.

Since joining the Rangers, he is tested for drug use three times a week and also is supposed to have an accountability partner to offer him support in his recovery.

Looks like now would be a good time to hire one of those.

[Yahoo! Sports]

Yorvit Torrealba Shoves Face Mask of Umpire in Venezuela, Suspended 66 Games

Every player knows you can never win an argument over balls and strikes with an umpire. It just doesn't happen. Every player also knows you cannot, under any circumstances, whether intentional or not, touch an umpire. Not only can you not touch an ump, it's certainly not okay to bitch slap one right across the face.

Apparently Yorvit Torrealba didn't get that memo.

Prince Fielder Still a Homeless Free Agent, Where Will He Play in 2012 and Beyond?

It's a little odd that Prince Fielder is still out there on the free agent market. We thought for sure he'd be signed some time during the winter meetings, either before or after the Albert Pujols hoopla. When that didn't happen, we figured he was just being choosy.

A few different teams have been named in the rumor mill, which is full of speculation and lies. We love it.

The Texas Rangers, who clearly have the money to spend after flaunting $51.7 million for rights to negotiates with Yu Darvish and his Nippon Ham Fighters, might be a good fit for the free agent first baseman. First off, The Ballpark in Arlington is a hitter's paradise and Fielder has a huge baseball bat. Second, Mitch Moreland is not Prince Fielder.

Texas Rangers Win Yu Darvish Sweepstakes for a Ridiculous $51.7 Million

Remember the Daisuke Matsuzaka hype back in 2006 when everyone thought he invented some new pitch called the "gyroball" that defied space and time? Remember when the Boston Red Sox boasted the highest negotiation bid at $51 million, ended up signing him, and he wound up just being a normal Japanese guy who wasn't any better than John Lackey?

Yeah, so you can understand our skepticism when it comes to Yu Darvish, the newest pitching sensation to possibly hit Major League Baseball. We're not saying he's no better than John Lackey -- that would make the team who literally paid millions of dollars to simply talk with him pretty stupid -- we're just saying we hope he's worth it.

Dynamics Changing in the American League

Please enjoy this guest post...

With the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim going all in with the ten year, $250 million deal for St. Louis Cardinals superstar first baseman Albert Pujols, the dynamics of the entire American League look to be different as the Angels will join the New York Yankees as preseason favorites in MLB betting odds.

The Angels recently signed a multi-billion dollar deal with Fox for television rights to their games which all of a sudden gave them Yankee-type power and influence that they immediately put to work with the addition of Pujols, who was an instrumental leader in the Cardinals making their near impossible run as World Series champions last fall.

Los Angeles Angels Sign C.J. Wilson for Five Years, Steal Winter Meetings Thunder

The Los Angeles Angels have had a pretty good day. In fact, they just stole the stage from the talent-hoarding Miami Marlins.

After snatching up Albert Pujols in one of the gaudiest bidding wars in the history of baseball, the Angels also snagged top free agent pitcher C.J. Wilson Thursday morning at the winter meetings in Dallas.

The left-hander will earn $77.5 million over the next five seasons in Anaheim, joining what has now become the most ridiculous rotation in the American League with Jered Weaver, Dan Haren, and Ervin Santana. Holy crap that's a lot of aces. Hopefully Wilson can figure out how to pitch in the postseason.

Albert Pujols Finally Makes up His Mind, Signs with Los Angeles Angels

Honestly, we love Albert Pujols and think he's great and everything, but we have to admit we were getting pretty sick of hearing his name and only his name above all else so far during the winter meetings. And pretty much all offseason. And during the end of the regular season when perhaps he was "playing his last game in a Cardinals uniform" every game for a straight month. Pretty sure Tim McCarver uttered that phrase at least 16 times during the World Series. That's why he's a legend, people.

The Los Angeles Angels swooped in and managed to sign Pujols Thursday morning to the tune of $254 million over ten seasons, which is absolutely ridiculous, but we all knew it would be no matter where he signed.

Texas Trades Taylor Teagarden to Baltimore for a Guy Named Randy

Taylor Teagarden may have one of the most unfortunate names in all of baseball. It's absolutely ridiculous.

Nonetheless, the catcher was traded away by the Texas Rangers on Thursday to the Baltimore Orioles for minor league right-hander Randy Henry (never trust a man with two first names) and a player to be named later.

Teagarden didn't see much action last season, batting .235 in just 14 games for the Rangers. In fact, he hasn't seen much action at all, playing in 118 games over the last four years. You'll have that when a team already has guys like Jarrod Saltalamacchia, Mike Napoli, and Yorvit Torrealba behind the plate.

However, in that short amount of time, Teagarden has thrown out over 30 percent of runners who have dared attempt to steal a base on him. Watch out. The soon-to-be 28-year-old will be a solid backup in the unfortunate case that anything would happen to adorable backstop Matt Wieters.

Meanwhile, the 21-year-old Henry went 4-3 with a 2.22 ERA in 29 relief appearances between the Class A Hickory Crawdads and Myrtle Beach Pelicans... Minor league teams have the best mascots ever.

[Fort Worth Star-Telegram]

Texas Rangers Sign Joe Nathan, Neftali Feliz Moves to Starting Rotation

Why the hell would the Texas Rangers need a closer when they already have Neftali Feliz, you ask? Well, because apparently Feliz can do what he does for like six or seven innings in a row.

While the Rangers closer will finally be making his dream move to the starting rotation, Joe Nathan will be taking over closing duties in Arlington after leaving the Minnesota Twins via free agency for a two-year contract worth $15 million, including a club option for 2014. The day before his 37th birthday.

C.J. Wilson May Take His Straightedge Hipster Act to Anaheim and Pitch for the Angels

As if Cliff Lee ditching the Texas Rangers via free agency in 2010 wasn't a punch in the gut, now it seems C.J. Wilson is about to be a right hook to the nuts of Arlington.

The lefty ace and his stupid hipster winter hat/groomsman get-up must be enjoying free agency an awful lot. Rumor has it after a recent trip to California, he's getting awfully chummy with the Los Angeles Angels.

Wilson has a super secret meeting scheduled with the Angels' front office for this coming Monday, which will surely be the end of what could have been a beautiful re-signing in Texas. Everyone saw this one coming, though. Not only was he born and raised in Southern California, he also trains there in the offseason and loves to call the place home. One thing he does not do in beautiful, fun Southern Cali is enjoy the nightlife. Or day-drink. Two things I would do a lot of if I lived there.

You see, C.J. Wilson is what we like to refer to as "lame." He likes to refer to himself as "straightedge" -- which was only cool in the 90s when we were like 11 and couldn't reach the liquor cabinet yet.

Never, under any circumstances, trust a man who doesn't drink. Unless he has a great story about a transvestite and a lamp shade from his last known inebriation.

David Freese is an Animal, St. Louis Cardinals are World Series Champions

World Series MVP David Freese gave credit to just about everyone but himself Friday night after his Cardinals came away with a 6-2 win over the Texas Rangers to bring their 11th Championship title back to St. Louis.

The 28-year-old thanked Albert Pujols for being a great teammate who helped put him on the right path back to success. He thanked Tony La Russa for being an over-managing mess excellent manager, and Mark McGwire for little hitting tips that came up big.

There's Always Next Year, Rangers Fans

After the most ridiculous Game 6 in the history of baseball forced the decisive Game 7 Friday night at Busch Stadium, the Texas Rangers were confident that they'd bring their first ever World Series Championship back home to Arlington. However, it looks like they're going to have to wait until next October... kinda like last season.

Leading the game for a whole half an inning, the Rangers never did catch up during their 6-2 Game 7 loss, scoring only once in the first inning on a Josh Hamilton RBI double. The National League Wild Card-winning Cardinals, who were 10 1/2 games out of contention in late August, have achieved what seemed impossible, with players like MVP David Freese and Allen Craig coming up big throughout the entire postseason to bring an 11th Championship to the city of St. Louis.

But enough about that incredible World Series ride and the guys who are going home Champions, let's have a look at the losers. In sad photo montage, of course...

That Was the Most Ridiculous Game 6 in the History of the World Series

Honestly. Five errors, 11 walks, utter confusion all over the field, and eventual bat brutality completed the Cardinals' 10-9 walkoff win over the Texas Rangers Thursday night in St. Louis to force Game 7 of the 2011 World Series.

Josh Hamilton, who was told by the Lord himself that he would hit a homer in the 10th inning, and his hernia were feeling pretty darn good about that extra-inning longball (about time) until things really started to heat up. This game was a complete shitshow until about the seventh inning. I literally could not stop laughing throughout the early to middle innings, but then things got real serious real quick and shut me the hell up. The game went from a total joke to one of the best games I've ever seen in my life.

The Rangers are One Win Away from their First Ever World Series Bling

*Game 6 postponed until Thursday due to crappy weather*

Colby Lewis will have a shot at history during Game 6 of the World Series Wednesday Thursday night, when he takes the hill against St. Louis Cardinals lefty Jaime Garcia and his neatly-trimmed facial hair. Take note, Derek Holland.

Just won win away from their first World Series title ever, the Texas Rangers have one definitive plan: to more or less not pitch to Albert Pujols. Meanwhile, the wild card-winning Cardinals are back in familiar win-or-go-home territory in a tasty rematch from Game 2.

Tony La Russa Overmanages, Micromanages, Mismanages in Cardinals Game 5 Loss

With the World Series all evened up to a clean slate, tied at two games a-piece after Derek Holland's mustache took center stage in Game 4, the St. Louis Cardinals and Texas Rangers took to Game 5 with both of their aces on the hill.

Chris Carpenter lasted seven solid innings, surrendering just two runs on six hits with four strikeouts before reliever Octavio Dotel coughed up the eventual winning runs on a Mike Napoli two-run double in the eighth. Opposing pitcher C.J. Wilson tossed just over five innings with little control, walking five with two runs (one earned) on four hits. Four Rangers relievers combined for three hits to save the game and bring the series back to St. Louis with a one-game Texas lead after the 4-2 win.

We Want this Texas Rangers Grounds Crew Kid to Take us Out Dancing

In case you somehow missed this video of an absolutely adorable member of the Rangers Ballpark grounds crew randomly busting a move between the sixth and seventh innings of Game 4... please do enjoy. Ian Kinsler was not impressed, but we totally are. (Call me when you turn 18!)