Season Previews: Minnesota Twins

With Opening Day upon us, we're finally getting around to wrapping up our Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. As our final preview of the 2012 season, and polishing off our preview of the American League Central, let's check out the Minnesota Twins.

Pavano's mustache
Duensing and Liriano
Also Nick Blackburn

Capps is the closer
Hendriks is Australian
Perkins in the pen

Jason Kubel's gone
Michael Cuddyer left too
Along with Nathan

Willingham in left
He signed a three-year deal
Revere plays in right

Span in center field
He bowls for charity and
Bats left-handed too

Mauer at the plate
See if he can stay healthy
Or Doumit will catch

Season Previews: Kansas City Royals

With Opening Day upon us, we're finally getting around to wrapping up our Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Moving along with our preview of the American League Central, here's a sneak peek at the Kansas City Royals.

Sorry about that
Hilarious eCard but
We couldn't resist

Jonathan Broxton
Will close now that Soria
Will have Tommy John

We LOL'ed when
Kansas City gave Bruce Chen
Nine Million dollars

Then there's Hochevar
Paulino, Danny Duffy
Luis Mendoza

Jonathan Sanchez
Was acquired via trade
So long Cabrera

Season Previews: Cleveland Indians

With Opening Day upon us, we're finally getting around to wrapping up our Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Continuing our preview of the American League Central, check out the 2012 Cleveland Indians.

Justin Masterson
Jiminez, Lowe, and Tomlin
Jeanmar Gómez too

Chris Perez closes
Two leftys and three rightys
Make up the bullpen

Kotchman at first base
Hannahan's the hot corner
Pronk still DHing

Carlos Santana
Will squat behind the plate and
Lou Marson backs up

Poor Grady's Ladies
Sizemore on the DL and
Won't be back til June

Season Previews: Chicago White Sox

With another baseball season just around the corner, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Moving right along with our preview of the American League Central, get a load of the 2012 Chicago White Sox.

Goodbye Mark Buehrle
And so long Carlos Quentin
Adios Ozzie

Danks, Floyd and Peavy
Phil Humber and Chris Sale
Matt Thornton closes

Crain, Ohman and Reed
Stewart, Santiago and
Nate Jones in the pen

Konerko at first
Morel across the diamond
Adam Dunn's DH

Gordon Beckham and
Ramirez turning DPs
Escobar rides pine

Check out the outfield
Dayan Viciedo and
Fukudome too

Season Previews: Detroit Tigers

With another baseball season just around the corner, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Kicking off our preview of the American League Central, check out the 2012 Detroit Tigers.

Check out Prince Fielder
He's a Detroit Tiger now
Cabrera's at third

Raburn at second
Santiago plays backup
Got a sweet deal

Jhonny Peralta
Spells his name wrong but at least
His name isn't Clete

Alex Avila
Is the starting backstop and
Gerald Laird backs up

Justin Verlander
Hasn't thrown a perfect game
Or hit that either

But he's still the best
We love Max Scherzer, and Rick
Love Doug Fister's name

Season Previews: Baltimore Orioles

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Polishing off our preview of the American League East, here are the 2012 Baltimore Orioles.

Jake Arrieta
Tommy Hunter, Wei-Yin Chen
Wada and Britton

Dana Eveland
In a trade with the Dodgers
Just signed D-Train too

Patton, Ayala
Gregg or Johnson the closer?
Lindstrom in the pen

Nolan Reimhold will
Start in left while Chavez and
Miller ride the bench

Markakis in right
Adam Jones in center field
A male model

Roberts plays second
J.J. Hardy at short stop
He is a hottie

Season Previews: Toronto Blue Jays

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Moving right along with our preview of the American League East, check out the one and only Canadian baseball team: the 2012 Toronto Blue Jays.

Ricky Romero
Morrow, Cecil, Alvarez
McGowan, Drabek

Got rid of John Rauch
Adios Frank Francisco
Santos closes now

Litsch and Cordero
Janssen, Frasor and Perez
All in the bullpen

Adam Lind at first
Brett Lawrie at third or
Encarnacion?

Kelly Johnson and
Yunel Escobar turning
DPs together

Season Previews: Tampa Bay Rays

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Continuing our preview of the American League East, here are the 2012 Tampa Bay Rays.

Shields and David Price
Jeremy Hellickson and
Niemann and Davis

Matt Moore got a big
Five-year deal worth big bucks
The lefty throws heat

Pena at first base
Longoria HOT corner
Zobrist at second

Rodriguez at short
Brignac and Johnson back up
And ride on the bench

Lobaton catches
But Molina won't give up
Luke Scott is DH

Jennings in left field
B.J. Upton in center
Matt Joyce out in right

Peralta's alright
But Kyle Farnsworth will close
Brandon Gomes is back

Season Previews: Boston Red Sox

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Moving right along with our preview of the American League East, check out our rendition of the 2012 Boston Red Sox.

Whats up Bobby V.
Taking reigns from Francona
An analyst now

Theo Epstein left
For the Windy City Cubs
Good luck there buddy

Adios Papelboner
And hello Andrew Bailey
That seems fair to me

Lackey underwent
Tommy John surgery but
That is no real loss

Beckett and Lester
Clay Buchholtz and Daniel Bard
Can hold down the fort

And let's not forget
Daisuke Matsuzaka and
Fredo Aceves

Season Previews: New York Yankees

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Love them or hate them, we've chosen to begin our preview of the American League East with the 2012 New York Yankees.

Kuroda, Phil Hughes
Pineda and Garcia
Andy Pettitte too?

Ivan Nova too
CC Sabathia will
Eat you for breakfast

Brett Gardner in left
Granderson in center field
Nick Swisher in right

A-Rod at third base
Usual suspects around
The Yankees infield

Turning double plays:
Cano and Derek Jeter
To Mark Teixeira

Season Previews: Oakland Athletics

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Finishing our preview of the American League West, here is a sneak peek at the 2012 Oakland Athletics.

Goodbye to Gio
So long Bailey and Sweeney
Hello Josh Reddick

The Oakland A's signed
Coco Crisp for two more years
We love his afro

Yoenis Cespedes
Made an awesome video
It's hilarious

Seth Smith in left field
Gomes and Cowgill backing up
Quite the outfield depth

Barton at first and
Donaldson across the field
Suzuki catches

Season Previews: Seattle Mariners

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Continuing our preview of the American League West, here is our version of the 2012 Seattle Mariners.

Felix Hernandez
Vargas and Iwakuma
Hector Noesi too

Brandon League will close
Wilhelmson and Camp relieve
With Kelley and Kuo

Ichiro in right
Got mad hits like Rod Carew
He's Hall of Fame bound

Mike Carp in left field
Gutierrez in center
Robinson and Wells

Justin Smoak at first
Brendan Ryan at short stop
Ackley at second

Chone Figgins at third
Alex Liddi backs him up
He's the infield bench

Miguel Olivo
Is the starting catcher and
Montero's DH

Season Previews: Los Angeles Angels

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Moving right along with our preview of the American League West, get a load of the 2012 Los Angeles Angels.

Holy crap Angels
A force to be reckoned with
After this winter

Changed the dynamics
By signing Albert Pujols
And C.J. Wilson

Vernon Wells in left
Peter Bourjus in center
Love Torii Hunter!

Aybar at short stop
Howie Kendrick at second
Callaspo at third

Chris Iannetta
Will squat behind home plate with
Conger backing up

Season Previews: Texas Rangers

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. We'll begin our preview of the American League West (and the American League in general) by taking a nice long look at the 2012 Texas Rangers.

Check out Yu Darvish
We call him "Whirling Darvish"
C.J. Wilson who?

We love Hamilton
As much as he loves whipped cream
Stay sober buddy!

Gentry in center
The one and only Nelson
Cruz out in right field

So long Teagarden
Mike Napoli is the man
Check out his back up:

Torrealba was
Suspended this winter for
Bitch-slapping an ump

Mitch Moreland at first
Beltre across the diamond
Kinsler at second

Elvis at short stop
No bench in the infield there
Except for Snyder

Season Previews: San Diego Padres

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. We'll end our preview of the National League West (and the entire National League) with the 2012 San Diego Padres. Enjoy.

Stauffer and Luebke
Edinson Volquez rocks braids
Clayton's a lefty

Huston Street closes
Traded by Colorado
For southpaw Nick Schmidt

Remember Kotsay?
Welcome to Carlos Quentin
Kyle Blanks on bench

Chris Denorfia
Backs up Maybin in center
Venable in right

Turning double plays
Jason Bartlett at short stop
O-Dawg at second

Guzman at first base
Headley at the hot corner
Adios Harang

Season Previews: Arizona Diamondbacks

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Continuing our preview of the National League West, here is our version of the 2012 Arizona Diamondbacks.

Kubel in left now
Justin Upton in right field
Chris Young in center

Miguel Montero
Backed up by Henry Blanco
He is old as hell

Paul Goldschmidt across
The diamond from the Tat Man
We're so into him

At short and second
Stephen Drew and Aaron Hill
Turning double plays

Ian Kennedy
Cahill, Hudson and Saunders
Josh Collmenter too

Hernandez, Ziegler
Saito and Joe Paterson
Albaladejo!

J.J. Putz closes
Had 45 saves last year
That's pretty damn good

Even though last year
The Diamondbacks won the West
They'll battle this year

[D'Backs Venom] | [Venom Strikes] | [Nick Piecoro] | [AZ Snakepit]

Season Previews: Colorado Rockies

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Moving right along with our preview of the National League West, check out the 2012 Colorado Rockies.

Wow... look at that beer
Doesn't that look delicious?
Marco Scutaro!

Ramon Hernandez
Squatting behind home plate now
Wilin backs him up

Troy Tulowitzki!
Todd Helton and Casey Blake
Across the diamond

Ty Wigginton's gone
So is Ian Stewart and
That is just dandy

Michael Cuddyer
Left the Twins for the Rockies
His cannon's in right

Car-Go out in left
Dexter Fowler in center
Pretty good outfield

Jhoulys Chacin and
Nicasio, Moscoso
Changed minds on Slowey

Jeremy Guthrie
Pomeranz and Alex White
Random rotation

Season Previews: Los Angeles Dodgers

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Continuing our preview of the National League West, here are the 2012 Los Angeles Dodgers.

Clayton Kershaw won
The NL Cy Young last year
Totally called it

Chad, Chris and Nathan
Harang was signed this winter
Ted Lilly is old

Thirty-four saves for
Javy Guerra - he will close
Elbert's a lefty

James Loney at first
Across from Juan Uribe
Ellis at the plate

Sellers is short stop
The other Ellis named Mark
DPs at second

Andre Ethier
Juan Rivera and Matt Kemp
Make up the outfield

Season Previews: San Francisco Giants

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Kicking off our preview of the National League West, here is a sneak peak at the 2012 San Francisco Giants.

Oh my gosh Zito
Who told you to take that pic?
It's ridiculous

Buster Posey's back!
Missed his adorable face
Glad his leg's alright

Angel Pagan came
Aboard by trade with the Mets
He's a switch-hitter

Jonathan Sanchez
Swapped for Melky Cabrera
Schierholtz in right field

Speaking of pay days
We love Big Time Timmy Jim
With all of our heart

So long Pat the Bat
You'll enjoy retirement
Learn to play guitar! ----->

Fairies, unicorns
Ninjas and Brian Wilson
And a leprechaun

Season Previews: New York Mets

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Polishing off our preview of the National League East, here's our version of the 2012 New York Mets.

Johan Santana
Jon Niese and Mike Pelfrey are
Pitching with Dickey

Kevin Slowey and
He climbed Kilimanjaro
Got into trouble

Ike Davis at first
David Wright's the hot corner
He is delicious

Ruben Tejada
Turning DPs with Murphy
Ronny Cedeno?

Good riddance Jose
Thanks for the batting title
And breaking our hearts