Texas Rangers Give Derek Holland and His Mustache 5 Years, $28 Million

Derek Holland and the Texas Rangers agreed to a five year, $28 million deal on Tuesday, keeping the pubescent-looking lefty in Arlington through 2016.

The 25-year-old Holland went 16-5 last season, pitching lights out, two-hit ball over 8.1 shutout innings against the St. Louis Cardinals in Game 4 of the World Series. In fact, in 12 postseason appearances over the past two years, he is 3-0 with a 3.82 ERA. Not too shabby I suppose.

With Neftali Feliz moving to the rotation to join Colby Lewis, Alexi Ogando, Matt Harrison, and the offseason addition of Yu Darvish, Rangers fans can barely remember that straight edge prankster they once loved to pieces.

Holland could have become a free agent in 2015, but had this to say on that very topic:

"I know I gave up that stuff, the three years, but to me it’s all about being in Texas and wearing that Texas uniform and going back and getting some championships. I’m very excited to be a part of this. We’ve got an unbelievable team. We’ve got upcoming stars coming up through the organization, and I want to be part of that, as well. I want to show them what it takes to be up here. That’s my main objective is to carry out what I’ve been doing, continue to work hard."

He went on to say that the most important thing on his to-do list is purchasing a home in Dallas. And some cowboy boots and a giant belt buckle, of course. I mean, just look at him.

[ESPN]

Derek Holland, It's Been Fun but We Are Begging You to Shave

Texas Rangers left-hander Derek Holland threw 8.1 scoreless innings in Game 4 against the St. Louis Cardinals Sunday night to come away with a 4-0 victory and tie up the best-of-seven series at two games a-piece. He was razor sharp.

All while sporting that ridiculous mustache. Puberty is uncomfortable for everyone, especially when you're on National television.

Please... please shave it off. But please don't stop your Ron Washington impersonation.

Pavano's Mustache Will Keep Him Warm in Minnesota

It's official. Carl Pavano has decided to stay with the Minnesota Twins.

The two sides agreed to terms Wednesday on a two-year contract worth $16.5 million. Until today, the 35-year-old mustachioed righty was one of only a handful of decent starters remaining on the free agent market.

Dennis Eckersley Is Out of Hand

...in a funny way. Not as funny as how gay Brad Penny's cheese was, though.

Thanks to Dan from Red Sox Monster for making finding this video a piece of cake! Have a safe and happy Holiday Weekend, party people!

[CMSB]

Guess How We Feel About Your Mustache

Dennis Eckersley of NESN gets a behind-the-back low-five for expressing his opinion on Brad Penny's fastball this evening...

"He's a little gay with his cheese."

Thank you, Dennis.

No More Mustachio

Todd Jones has decided to retire at season's end.

The 40-year-old Detroit Tigers closer revealed his future (in an incredibly positive manner) in the latest issue of the Sporting News magazine.

"So this is it," he wrote. "If you’re a Tigers fan, I’ll never stress you out again. If you’re not a Tigers fan, you’ll never have me as your ace in the hole, convinced I’ll blow a lead against your team."

/collective sigh of relief uttered in Motor City.

[MLB] | [Wax Heaven] | [Bless You Boys]

Happy Birthday Keith Hernandez

Keith Hernandez, who's enjoyed a neatly-trimmed mustache since the age of 9, turns 54 today.

Hernandez played 8 seasons with the St. Louis Cardinals, earning a World Series Championship in 1982, before being traded to the New York Mets the following season after failing to get along with manager Whitey Herzog. This went down as the best trade in Mets history (before Mike Piazza) and the absolute worst for the Cards.

In 1984, his first full season with the team, the Mets improved from a record of 68-94 to 90-72, giving them the credibility they longed for. In 1985 however, Hernandez's cocaine use went from rumor to public knowledge after drug pusher Curtis Strong's Pittsburgh trial. Hernandez made a successful recovery and earned another World Championship in 1986 with New York.

In 1989, the Mets declined his contract after several injuries and decreased performance. Hernandez found himself with the Cleveland Indians for 43 games before another back injury ended his career.

But that didn't mean life in the fast lane was over for Hernandez! He's written two books, had a guest appearance on Seinfeld as Elaine's boyfriend, and currently works as a Mets TV analyst on SportsNet New York and as a spokesperson for Just for Men. Let's not forget his brief 1988 appearance on Sesame Street's "Put Down the Ducky" alongside fellow Met Mookie Wilson.

Hernandez won 11 consecutive gold gloves at first base, shared the 1979 NL MVP award with Willie Stargell, still holds the career best for game-winning RBIs with 129, was a five-time All-Star, two-time Silver Slugger, and was inducted into the Mets Hall of Fame in 1997.

He never received enough support from the BBWAA to be elected to the Hall of Fame, however. After nine years on the ballot in 2004, he received votes from less than 5% of the writers, making him ineligible. He may still be considered for induction by the Veterans Committee in 2011, twenty years after his retirement.

Happy Birthday, Keith!

[Keith Hernandez Wiki] | [Baseball Reference]