Happy Opening Night, St. Louis Cardinals and Miami Marlins Fans!

...and every other baseball fan who has waited for this day since last October.

A lot can happen in one offseason, and the reigning World Champion St. Louis Cardinals and Miami Marlins are a perfect example.

The Marlins are kicking off 2012 with a complete face lift: a new name and a spastic jazzy new logo on their uniforms, a new skipper in Ozzie Guillen along with a few high-end acquisitions like Heath Bell, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, and Carlos Zambrano, all in a spankin' new, $515 million ballpark. Pretty exciting stuff.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals begin defending their title on Day One of their first season without long-time manager Tony LaRussa and one-time fan favorite Albert Pujols. The team will also have to do without staff ace Chris Carpenter as well for the time being due to nerve irritation in his pitching shoulder, but they've regained Adam Wainwright, who was dearly missed during his Tommy John surgery rehab. They'll have to replace 30-40 home runs in the middle of the order without Pujols, but guys like David Freese, Matt Holiday, and everyday first baseman Lance Berkman are being counted on to do just that.

Who's Crazier: Ozzie Guillen or Bobby Valentine?

Ozzie Guillen is up to his old shenanigans and Bobby Valentine has been told what's up.

Guillen was ejected from Monday's Grapefruit League game against the Boston Red Sox for what else but arguing a call. Then, as the new Miami Marlins skipper exited the field, opposing manager Valentine gave him a sarcastic wave adios and said, "See ya." This exchange (although Ozzie totally missed it) is hopefully a nice foreshadowing of what this season has in store for us regarding these two. Not that they'll see each other much.

Season Previews: Miami Marlins

With Spring Training well underway, it's time for one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. Moving right along with our preview of the National League East, get a load of the 2012 Miami Marlins.

Holy crap Marlins
Could you have spent more money
In the offseason?

Spankin new ballpark
Ozzie Guillen will manage
The crap out of them

Carlos Zambrano
Watch out South Beach he's crazy
Welcome Mark Buehrle

Jose Reyes will
Look great in orange and teal
Hideous unis

Heath Bell is the man
Nolasco and Josh Johnson
Don't forget Sanchez

Chicago Cubs Pay Miami Marlins to Take Carlos Zambrano Off their Hands

So the Chicago Cubs have traded Carlos Zambrano to the Miami Marlins, who once again are demanding our attention. We can't wait to see him in his new Rainbow Brite uniform.

In return, the Cubbies will get right-hander Chris Volstad while also forking over $15.45 million of Zambrano's $18 million salary this season. Just let that one sink in for a minute.

First off, were the Cubs seriously hating on Big Z so much that they were willing to part with him and pay the majority of his income? You bet. In fact, the club's spankin' new President of Baseball Operations Theo Epstein cited mistrust and general distaste among his former teammates as one of the main reasons he had to get him out of there.

What a deal for the Marlins.

Second, Chris Volstad is that guy whose name you can never remember but whose face you think you might recognize. Or not. He's average at best, carrying around a career 4.59 ERA in four big league seasons. Originally the Marlins' first-round pick in 2005, he's been up with the club since 2008, compiling a less than desirable 32-39 record along the way. Obviously, he's no Carlos Zambrano, who touts a 3.60 career ERA in 11 seasons on the North Side, with a 125-81 win-loss. Then again, Volstad probably isn't a psychopath either.

After a tumultuous career in which the 30-year-old righty has squabbled with teammates, managers, coaches, and umpires, the last straw coming on August 12. Upon being ejected from a game for being a total ass, he cleaned out his locker and began starting rumors of his retirement. Apparently he was only joking.

Watch Out Everyone, the Prince Fielder Sweepstakes Have Officially Begun

Poor Prince Fielder. After all of the hooting and hollering over Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, and C.J. Wilson, we almost forgot about our chubby free agent first baseman. Let's turn our attention to him for a little bit.

The former Milwaukee Brewers slugger and his agent Scott Boras are open for negotiations now that all the other big fish have been reeled in. However, they seem to be searching for a suitor who's willing to spend $200 million over seven or eight years, which is going to be tough to find since most teams out there won't be into the idea of give Fielder more than a five year contract, even though he's apparently only 27.

It's speculated that either the Miami Marlins or St. Louis Cardinals could afford to sign him, considering the ridiculous contracts both teams offered Pujols. However, the Texas Rangers might want his services to help with the imminent battle against their division rival Angels, who are about to dominate the hell out of the American League West. Count on it.

The Miami Marlins Are at it Again, Sign Mark Buehrle to Four-Year Deal

This is getting out of control really quick. Seriously, who the hell do the Miami Marlins think they are? And where THE HELL are they getting all this money? Man they're being aggressive.

Since signing free agent Mark Buehrle Wednesday afternoon to a four-year, $58 million deal, the team has now spent a total of $191 million on Heath Bell, Jose Reyes and now the long time Chicago White Sox ace. What is happening? If they go out and get C.J. Wilson (who might head to the Los Angeles Angels anyway but you never know) I am literally going to go into shock.

One snippet of news to bring them back down to reality with the rest of baseball: rumor has it the Marlins have moved on from pursuing Albert Pujols, who might just end up sticking around St. Louis after all of this nonsense. Of course, this probably just means they'll go after Prince Fielder. We'll keep you posted.

Buehrle went 13-9 with a 3.59 ERA last season in his 12th year with the White Sox, the only team he's ever known. He's going to be a nice addition to the already amazing starting rotation in Miami, including Josh Johnson, Anibal Sanchez and Ricky Nolasco. Not bad.

Speaking of the White Sox, they piped up Tuesday night and made a trade for closer Sergio Santos, sending reliever Nester Molina to the Toronto Blue Jays, in case that interests you.

[Sportsology]

Jose Reyes Looks Almost as Uncomfortable as We Are With the Marlins New Uniforms

The bewildered expression on his face almost reveals the fact that he can't wait until 2018 when he can finally take that god-awful thing off of his body. Make it stop, Miami.

[Sun-Sentinel]

Ageless Albert Pujols Commands Serious Dollar Signs to Leave St. Louis Cardinals

Albert Pujols and his douchey agent (we pretty much take everything bad we've ever said about Scott Boras back) have some mighty lucrative offers to consider this week: one from the big-spending Marlins, another meaning he won't need to pack a thing, and a third 10-year offer from a team which has refused to go public. Hopefully it's the Cubs.

Update: Never mind, it's just the Los Angeles Angels.

Miami reportedly met with the nine-time All-Star and agent Dan Lozano to offer a 10-year deal Monday night, upping their previous offer which was apparently less than the nine-year, $198 million the St. Louis Cardinals tossed up last spring. If he actually is the age he says he is, that would make him a 41-year-old first baseman in the National League at the end of his contract. Unless he really is a robot... either way we'll be forced to use the Old People tag on him. Of course, he'll have a shot at being a designated hitter when baseball does their whole expansion dance during Interleague contests, which will eventually occur throughout the entire season.

Heath Bell is Not Impressed with New Miami Marlins Uniforms

Just thought we'd share this picture of recently-hired Miami Marlins closer Heath Bell rocking the new duds, courtesy of the Twitter page of our favorite Baseball Tonight anchor Steve Berthiaume.

He looks disgusted, and he should be.

Miami Marlins Pick up Jose Reyes for $106 Million

First of all, what the hell is going on with Jose Reyes' eyebrows? Stop it right now... Then again, I guess you can do whatever you want with your face when you're a multi-millionaire ballplayer.

The All-Star shortstop and reigning National League batting champion became the second top free agent to sign with the Marlins over the last few days, joining closer Heath Bell in the Sunshine State. Though Bell was given $27 million over three years, Reyes commanded much, much more: $106 million for a six-year contract. The deal includes a club option for 2018 that would bring his worth to around $120 million, according to an anonymous source close to negotiations.

Meanwhile, free agent whale Albert Pujols has already toured the spankin' new, $515 million retractable roof stadium in Miami. Prince Fielder, the other giant free agent still on the market, hasn't had a tour yet, but there has been a ridiculous amount of speculation that he may end up there. What are the chances one of these guys will land in Florida with Ozzie Guillen and the stupid new uniforms? Either way, this team is about to become one to reckon with, with or without those two.

Reyes followed the dollar signs out of New York after spending the last 12 years of his life in the organization. The 28-year-old signed there back when he was 16 and went on to bring home the Mets’ first NL batting title when he hit .337 with 16 triples and 39 stolen bases last season. The four-time All-Star and three-time stolen base champ, though a bit injury prone, will likely make Hanley Ramirez move from short stop to third base. Poor guy.

And poor Mets fans.

[New York Times]

Miami Marlins Acquire Wade LeBlanc from Padres for John Baker

The Miami Marlins acquired Wade LeBlanc from the San Diego Padres on Tuesday for catcher John Baker. Why? Well apparently, the Marlins needed a lefty and the Padres could use another catcher. Everybody's happy for now.

LeBlanc went 5-6 with a 4.63 ERA for the Padres last season, sucking for most of 2011 and spending some time with Triple-A Tuscon until winning three of his last four decisions. Obviously, he hopes that convincing finish will still be on the minds of the club when he tries to make the team this spring. Here and there over four seasons with San Diego, LeBlanc went 17-22 with a 4.54 ERA, including two relief appearances.

Jorge Posada Won't Be Wearing Yankees Pinstripes in 2012

Jorge Posada has a big choice to make. Either retire and ensure his entire 17-year career is spent in New York Yankees pinstripes, or move on to another team and continue to play the game he loves. Whatever choice he makes, we think this Ballplayers Anonymous guide we created back in 2007 for Randy Johnson, Curt Schilling, David Wells, Barry Bonds, and Kenny Rogers will likely help.

For the long time backstop, now 40 years old, there's no going back to New Yankee Stadium as a member of the home team. In fact, he says "there's not even a percentage of chance" that he can come back. Russell Martin took over immediately last season while Posada became designated hitter with one year remaining on a $52.4 million, four-year deal. The switch-hitter struggled against lefties and was batting just .165 back in May when he was dropped to no. 9 in the batting order, which was apparently the last straw as he asked to be taken out of the lineup, saying he wasn’t ready to play. However, he recovered and managed to hit .235 with 14 homers and 44 RBI in 2011.

Ozzie Guillen to Manage Miami Marlins and Their Stupid New Logo

Update: The Miami Marlins logo has been leaked via Twitter (how else?) and fans are having mixed emotions about it. We think it's lame, but don't really give a crap either way.

I guess we all pretty much knew already that Ozzie Guillen, upon his parting with the Chicago White Sox Monday evening, would end up managing the Miami Marlins next season... we just weren't sure when it would be announced.

The club, who handed Guillen a four-year, $10 million contract, wasted little time in making the reunion public, introducing the team to their new manager just hours before their final game at Tropicana Field Wednesday. Marlins owner Jeff Loria is not concerned in the least about the outspoken skipper "ruffling any feathers" upon his arrival in Florida:

Ozzie Guillen Has Managed His Last White Sox Game

Update: Ozzie has indeed been released from his contract with the White Sox after going 678-617 over eight seasons at the helm. Pitching coach Don Cooper will manage the team for the final two games of the season. Though negotiations with the Marlins had been in the making since last year, a deal never materialized, so Guillen isn't quite sure where he'll end up at this point. So long Ozzie, the American League Central will miss you!

Ozzie Guillen had a sit-down with board chairman Jerry Reinsdorf prior to his Chicago White Sox game against the Toronto Blue Jays Monday afternoon, perhaps to negotiate a way to stay on the South Side.

However, according to a ton of sources, the Sox and Florida Marlins are about to complete a deal that would send Guillen to Miami, putting an end to his (always exciting) eight-year stay with the club who raised him as a shortstop for 13 seasons before giving him a World Series Championship in 2005 as a second-year manager. As far as the details of the meeting, Guillen had this to say afterward:

Florida (Miami) Marlins Pumped for Brand New Ballpark

The Florida Marlins, who will become the Miami Marlins prior to the 2012 season, are getting pretty excited to open their spankin' new stadium, Miami Ballpark, next year. In fact, they will be granted an exclusive opening to the new baseball season.

The Marlins and the St. Louis Cardinals will open the season a day ahead of the other 28 teams in the league on April 4 at their new $515 million, retractable-roof ballpark on the site that once housed the legendary Orange Bowl. You can probably catch that on ESPN. Prior to anything official, the Fish will host the New York Yankees in exhibition games on April 1 and 2.

If They Build It, Will They Come?

I think we can all agree that Dolphin Stadium is a giant piece of crap that has passed for a ballpark for 19 years now pretty out-dated.

The Florida Marlins won't have to deal with it for much longer, though. The team jumped through the final hoop Monday, after 10 years of trying to get their own ballpark in Miami. The 13 people on the Miami-Dade County commission voted 9-4 to approve the multi-million dollar deal.