VooDoo Sabermetrics: Elijah Dukes

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our eleventh edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Washington Nationals screw-up and all-around scary mother-effer reformed outfielder Elijah Dukes. You're in for a treat, since we have some new VooDooers and not one, not two, but THREE Youtube videos for your enjoyment.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911

Jolliness - Jolly is not the first adjective that comes to mind when I hear the name Elijah Dukes. In fact, he scares the crap out of me. Maybe it was the insinuated homicidal picture mail? Not sure when he first started to rub me the wrong way... which is pretty hard to do.

However, he has made strides since joining the Nationals' outfield, so I'll give him a 2 on the Jollity Scale. He does at times seem jovial, though he may or may not be planning a baby mama's murder behind that sheepish grin.

Little Leaguers Love Me, Dawg

The good folks from the Great Falls, Virginia Little League are a little upset over Elijah Dukes recent $500 fine.

After the Washington Nationals outfielder made an appearance at the little guys' season opener gathering for a little extra cash ($500) he ended up five minutes late for his day job as a professional baseball player. Five minutes late from making a bunch of little kids smile with autographed baseballs and pictures taken.

What the Hell Just Happened?

Cristian Guzman hit for the cycle. Yes.

Guz -- batting .303 on the year -- kicked off the evening with a solo shot in the first inning, which ignited a five-run show for his Washington Nationals. He was busted attempting to stretch a single into a double in the second, but nailed a two-bag RBI in the sixth to make up for it.

Wily Mo Peña Out, Elijah Dukes In

Wily Mo Peña will be sidelined for roughly four weeks after an MRI revealed a significant tear in his left oblique muscle.

The Washington Nationals outfielder, who was injured during batting practice on Wednesday, says he will work hard to be back on track by mid-April. Peña was batting .226 with one home run and four RBIs in 31 at-bats this Spring.

Manager Manny Acta is not too pleased, or optimistic about Wily Mo's future.

"We were willing to give the guy the opportunity to get 500 at-bats, and now another year is going to go by and next year we’ll probably be hearing the same thing about him," Acta said.

Since Mo will not be able to start in left field as projected, Elijah Dukes will most likely take his place on Opening Day.

Dukes strained his right hamstring while sliding into second base during Friday's split-squad game against the Cleveland Indians, and is day-to-day.

[SI.com]

Elijah Dukes is so Serious this Time

Elijah Dukes is a new man.

He reported to Washington Nationals spring training camp Wednesday, taking questions during a news conference about his troubled past (threatening his estranged wife, ongoing paternity suits, smoking grass) and his once bright future.

"I know I have to get it together now," Dukes said.

The 23-year-old outfielder credits his sudden turnaround to frequent phone calls from teammate Dmitri Young, who overcame his own adversities over the past couple of years.

Hopefully a fresh start in a new city -- far from his hometown Tampa Bay trouble -- will help Dukes find his way, because he does have the potential to be a 40/100 guy for the struggling Nats.

Sweet pirate shirt.

Speaking of addictions and whatnot, Texas Rangers lefty Josh Hamilton thanks Baby Jesus over at Bare Baseball.

[Herald Tribune]

Elijah Dukes: Don't Be Scared

Stu -- which is obviously short for Stud -- brought to our attention that we hadn't posted about Elijah Dukes' most recent run-in with the long [member] of the law.

Little does he know, we were out obtaining our own restraining orders on the troubled Washington Nationals outfielder. That kind of thing takes time, and offers very little room for things like blogging.

In any case, now that we're safe from impregnation, we can tell you all about how Dukes was the only one to show up for court Tuesday afternoon.

Amanda Reese, a former girlfriend of Dukes, was granted a temporary injunction Dec. 10th after she said she feared he would hurt her.

Apparently, Reese (who was representing herself) briefly dated Dukes, and began to feel threatened by his phone calls and text messages... which may or may not have included photos of a handgun.... before they broke up in October.

Dukes simply replied "No" when the judge asked whether he had anything to do with Reese's absence, then dismissed her request for an injunction. Just like that.

So, does this mean Dukes is single again? Watch out ladies!

[USA Today]

Nationals Give Elijah Dukes a Chance

The Tampa Bay Rays have had enough of Elijah Dukes and all of his illegitimate children as of this afternoon, having dealt the troubled outfielder to the Washington Nationals for minor league pitcher Glenn Gibson.

The 23-year-old rookie, who can play all three outfield positions, hit .190 with 10 homers and 21 RBIs in 52 games last year before being optioned to the minors in mid-June. He was placed on the temporary inactive list after he reportedly threatened his estranged wife and their children, and then violated their protective court order.

Nationals GM Jim Bowden had an interesting spin on Dukes' situation, "His book hasn't been written yet. Just the first two chapters. The rest of the book has a chance to be special."

Mhmm. Does the last chapter include his prison sentence?

Hopefully Dukes can rehabilitate and become the loving father and husband he should be, aside from the promising ballplayer he already is.

[Washington Post]

Elijah Dukes Would Like You To Recognize

In a convincing attempt to confirm the fact that he needs to be put away for good, troubled Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes called Ron and Ian's Radio Show on The Sports Animal.

He starts by asking listeners to look into his estranged wife's background, because the house she grew up in was small and now she has a big one due to his generosity.

Also, he claims to know nothing of crack cocaine... except that you can turn $100 worth of crack into $200 of crack in da hood, dawg.

Just listen. It's ridiculous.

[The Big Lead]

Under The Bleachers

We met up with Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes this afternoon to talk about his many adventures in sperm donating.

Lizzy: "Elijah, we could begin the interview if you'd kindly get your hands the hell off of me."

Dukes: "Pssh. Whatever, dawg."

Sooze: "It seems yet another young lady has named you the father of her baby - a seventeen-year-old foster child?"

Dukes: "She said she was 18, yo."

Lizzy: "Luckily for you, there will be no legal ramifications since the age of consent in Florida is 16 if the whoopie is made on the love seat of a Foster Home."

Sooze: "How did you react when she told you the news?"

Dukes: "Well, at first I wanted to take a picture of my gat and text it to her, but I threw a Gatorade at that [redacted] instead, dawg."

Lizzy: "Hey, it looks like those anger management classes are really working for you!"

Sooze: "Have you ever considered using condoms?"

Dukes: "[Redacted] that, dawg."

Lizzy: "Considering the price of contraception compared to the cost of child support, maybe you should look into that."

Sooze: "Here, we brought some along for you."

Dukes throws a Gatorade at Sooze

Sooze: "Was that really necessary?"

Lizzy: "Dude. Keep your eyes off of my goods."

Sooze: "Yeah, what the hell? Look here! (points to eyes) Not here! (points to ma'ams)"

Dukes: "I thought I was gonna get some action here, dawg. I'm out."

Sooze: "We look forward to hearing about your next illegitimate child adventure!"

Lizzy: "Don't drink the Haterade!"

[Elijah Dukes Is Such A Bastard]

Elijah Dukes is Such a Bastard

Like we didn't already know that.

But check this out: I'm pretty sure he's going for some sort of illegitimate child record.

A 17-year-old foster girl who lives with a relative of Elijah Dukes told police the Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder is the sperm-donor in question for her child.

Due to give birth Nov. 5th, the child told investigators she and Dukes had consensual sex on the living room sofa. How romantic.

She also said Dukes got angry when she and a friend told him she was pregnant with his child. When she told him the news of his latest visit from the stork, he threw a Gatorade at her.

Dukes already has (at least) five children with four other women.

This news may also curb the Washington Nationals' interest in Dukes, if they have any clue as to what is best for the club.

*The age of consent in Florida is 18, however close in age exemptions do exist. By law, the exception permits an adult under the age of 24 to engage in legal sexual activity with a minor no younger than the age of 16. Gross.

[St. Petersburg Times]

What The Hell Elijah Dukes? (Updated)

Why the hell is Elijah Dukes still playing baseball? Anyone?

Oh, that's right. There's nothing on beating the crap out of your woman and text-messaging her a photo of a handgun in the MLB rulebook.

Not to mention this small detail: threatening to take her children's lives.

"The Devil Rays organization takes these types of allegations very seriously, but at this point it remains a private matter between Elijah and his family. We will continue to monitor the situation and provide ongoing assistance to Elijah."

Update: It seems that Dukes has made everything better by issuing a public apology...

"I would like to apologize to my family, teammates, the fans and the organization for the distraction that this situation has caused," Dukes said in the obviously prepared clarification. "I would like to thank them for standing by me and hope that my family and I can move on and put this behind us."

Yes! Let's put this whole threat of murdering one of the four women who has reared not one, but two of my five children, behind us all.

Forgive and forget everyone! Carry on.

[Deadspin]