Under the Bleachers with Jeff Manship

We had the ridiculous pleasure of interviewing Minnesota Twins pitcher Jeff Manship recently. The 25-year-old righty was called up to the big leagues last Thursday when fellow reliever Jose Mijares hurt himself in an attempt to cover first base and landed on the disabled list. The Manship made his first appearance since July 19 Wednesday night against the Chicago White Sox, going 1.1 scoreless innings and earning the win.

Instead of inquiring about his pitching repertoire, what it's like to get the call-up, the difference in batters from AA to AAA to the majors, etc., we decided to get to know him a little better. Enjoy...

Under the Bleachers With Joe Nathan

It's been a crazy few months for four-time All-Star Minnesota Twins pitcher Joe Nathan. After having surgery to remove bone chips in his elbow during the off season, the badass closer ended up having season-ending Tommy John surgery just before the Twins started their 2010 season. This was a devastating loss to Minnesota fans, as he's easily one of the most feared closers in the game - he had an astounding 47 saves on the books last season alone!

Luckily, he's under contract through the 2011 season with a club option in 2012 - so Twins fans will get their beloved closer back next season when he's all better. Did we mention he's adorable, too? (Sorry ladies, he's married!)

Under the Bleachers: Thanksgiving

We're all thankful for something, or at least we ought to be. We're thankful for things like family, friends, TiVo and baseball. But we're not millionaire professional baseball players, so the things we're grateful for are far less extravagant and exciting.

So, we've gone under the bleachers with some of our favorite (and not-so-favorite) players to find out what they're thankful for on this nationally recognized holiday of food and football.

Welcome to the very first alliance of all four babes in one post at one time. Teamwork!

Everyone's favorite perjuring, former San Francisco Giant, Barry Bonds has a lot of things to be thankful for. There's the loyalty of Greg Anderson, The Record, the alleged performance-enhancing drugs, and of course, the lube he may or may not need if he lands in FEDERAL POUND ME IN THE ASS PRISON.

In fact, since Barry will never face any legal ramifications for what he did or did not say or do, he has quite a bit to be relieved about.

Chase Utley should be thankful for his hotness. This where he draws his power and greatness from, and it should be flaunted, preferably wearing little or no clothing.

Same goes for Joe Mauer, Mark Kotsay, The Papelboner, and a few more that we'll leave to your imagination.

Roger Clemens' list is so ridiculous, we've had to edit 97% of it. He's thankful for size XXXXXL ballcaps, the media, Bedazzling, eating, and of course, eating.

The list of players who are thankful there is no way to detect HGH in ones' system is so long that we wondered who's not on it these days.

Mike Fontenot, David Eckstein, and Dustin Pedroia are thankful there's no "You Must Be At Least This Tall To Play This Game" sign.

Dmitri Young is thankful for beef jerky and lazy lettuce and for having one of the best nicknames ever. Aubrey Huff is thankful for body paint and vodka-cranberries.

Alex Rodriguez is grateful, mostly for Derek Jeter's hot ass, but also for muscular she-male amazon women, his Sugar Daddy, and his impeccable timing and the successful attempt at reclaiming his testicles from the jar on Scott Boras' fireplace mantle. Let's not fail to mention the infinite stupidity of Hank Steinbrenner for giving him his century long $68 bajillion contract.

Jeter is secretly grateful for A-Rod, Valtrex and all the tail he gets with his cologne.

C.C. Sabathia is thankful for crooked hats, bacon fat, pants with elastic waistbands, cheeseburgers from the dollar menu at McDonald's, and that the Cy Young is not a postseason award.

Curt Schilling is thankful for his giant World Series ring, the beautiful music that is his own voice, and the undivided attention of the world.

The Marlins and Diamondbacks are thankful for all 200 of their fans. The Royals and Orioles are thankful for the Rays making them look good by comparison. The Pirates are thankful for... ah...

Kris Benson is thankful he doesn't have any teammates his wife can threaten to sleep with. Chris Young is thankful for that other Chris Young and Kevin Millar is thankful to be a member of the Boston Red Sox!

Joba Chamberlain is thankful for bug spray and that it's likely he's large enough that no one will ever truly mess with him, besides maybe A.J. Pierzynski, who is just thankful for ice packs and Tylenol. Meanwhile, Michael Barrett is thankful for Pierzysnki's punching bag face.

Carlos Zambrano is thankful for his new action figure, complete with fist-pumping action, and the ability to kick pretty much anyone's ass.

Jake Peavy is thankful for his never-ending supply of badassery. Chipper Jones is thankful for being so awesome. Elijah Dukes is not thankful for his super-sperm.

Joel Zumaya couldn't live without Guitar Hero Encore: Rock the 80's and Magglio Ordonez is grateful for his luxurious locks.

David Wells is thankful for Wilford Brimley commercials, donuts, Harleys and beer.

And last but certainly not least, Troy Tulowitzki told our buddy The Extrapolater that he's thankful that Matt Holliday was a member of the "clean plate club" for one night in San Diego, even though the Boston Creme Pie for dessert was a bit too filling.

Matt Holliday, on the other hand, is thankful there's no instant replay in baseball... yet.

Happy Thanksgiving Jimmy Gobble!

Under The Bleachers

We were able to catch up with Detroit Tigers right fielder Magglio Ordonez after the marathon last night to ask him a few burning questions and to see if we couldn't find a way to touch his luxurious locks.

Lizzy: "Maggs! Thanks for making the time to speak with us. I'm sure you're exhausted."

Magglio Ordonez: "Magglio doesn't get tired."

Sooze: "First thing's first. You're batting .357 with 25 homers and 115 RBIs this season. How does it feel to be in the running with Ichiro Suzuki for the American League batting title?"

Magglio Ordonez: "It feels fabulous."

Sooze: "Kind of like your hair, I bet."

Magglio Ordonez: "My what?"

Sooze: "You heard me. Can I touch it?"

Magglio Ordonez: "Touch what?"

Sooze: "Your hair."

Magglio Ordonez: "No one touches Magglio's mane."

Sooze: "..."

Magglio Ordonez: "..."

Lizzy: "Awkward."

Magglio Ordonez: "Are we done here? Magglio has diffusing and defrizzing to do."

Sooze: "We actually just wanted to confirm one more thing."

Lizzy: "Yeah, you and your wife have 3 children. Magglio Jr., Sophia and... Maggliana?"

Magglio Ordonez: "That's right."

Sooze: "Seriously? Maggliana."

Magglio Ordonez: "Yes, it's a beautiful name. Magglio knows."

Lizzy: Told ya! You so owe me $20.

Sooze: "Damn it."

(Magglio Ordonez flips his hair as if in a shampoo commercial)

Lizzy: "That'll be all Princess Ordonez. Good luck to you, your 'do, and the Tigers the rest of the season."

Sooze: "I hope the Tigers miss the playoffs and all your hair falls out."

Lizzy: "Twins fan."

Magglio Ordonez: "Thanks, ladies. The pleasure was all Magglio's."

Under The Bleachers

We had a run-in with Jose Offerman last night on the heels of his arrest for second-degree assault, in which he rushed the mound wielding his bat with that wild look of revenge from a man's life gone awry.

Lizzy: "So everyone's kind of curious what triggered your meltdown, Jose. Was it being hit by the pitch that set you off or just the realization that you'll never play in the big leagues again?"

long pause

Sooze: "What the hell. Is he asleep? Wake up Jose Offerman!"

Lizzy: "I think he's gone bananas."

Sooze pokes Jose Offerman

Lizzy: "Yep. He finally snapped. His eyes are totally glossy and crossed over each other."

Sooze: "Sweet - he's like Rick Moranis in Ghost Busters."

Lizzy: "Some of the best montages EVER in that movie."

Sooze: "Let's show this prehistoric bitch how we do things downtown."

High-fiving ensues as Jose Offerman drools on his game-worn jersey from three days ago

Lizzy: "Ghost Busters II was pretty sweet."

Sooze: "Vigo the Carpathian scared the crap out of me when I was little."

Lizzy: "Death is but a doorway, time is but a window, I'll be back."

Sooze: "Oooh! That gave me chills... Jose Offerman, did you enjoy Ghostbusters 2?"

Jose Offerman sits in a puddle of his own urine

Lizzy: "I think he turned retarded or something. He's starting to smell like Vigo."

Sooze: "He's just in shock. This happens to lots of old-ass minor leaguers. Most of them usually come to grips with the fact they'll never get the call again, but Jose Offerman seems to be having some difficulty with that revelation."

Lizzy: "It's his own fault for freaking out and getting arrested. Plus, he sucks at baseball."

Sooze: "Heh. Yeah he does... did."

Jose Offerman punches himself in the face

Lizzy: "This interview is dumb. Let's rent Ghostbusters."

[One More Dying Quail] | [Signal To Noise] | [With Leather]

Under The Bleachers

We took a little time out of our alcohol-induced coma this weekend to catch up with angry drunk/Florida Marlins hurler Scott Olsen, who was tasered by cops at 4am this morning in front of his home.

Sooze: "So, Scott. There's nothing like driving drunk and assaulting an officer of the law after pitching a great game. How do you feel?"

Scott Olsen: "Like punching sthomeone in the... hiccup... face."

Lizzy: "Dontrelle Willis peed on a lady cop earlier this year - has he shown any support for your situation?"

Scott Olsen: "Dontrelle Willisssss. Fu... hiccup... fuck that guy. 'Hey, D Trainnnn! It's the strike-hic-zone calling. Miss me? It's been a while, fucker.'"

Sooze: "Hmmm. Sounds like fighin' words to me."

Scott Olsen: "Shot?"

Lizzy and Sooze: "Yes, please."

Scott Olsen toasts to "hard drinks and loose women" and the interview continues...

Lizzy: "You just finished serving a two-game suspension for getting into it with fellow Marlins pitcher Sergio Mitre. Then, there was the time Randy Messenger gave you a shiner. When will you learn your lesson?"

Scott Olsen: "I think you sthould teacth me a lesshon."

long awkward pause...

Sooze: "Ahh... you're wasted, buddy."

Scott Olsen: I'm just buzzed. I've been a bad boy... and I need to... hiccup... behave."

Lizzy: "Classic case of role-reversal. You're embarrassed of your need to be dominated by the opposite sex, so you take it out on your teammates and the Miami police department."

Scott Olsen: "Can I call you Mommy?"

Sooze: "I'll spank you for like, a hundred bucks."

Lizzy: "I'll punch you in the face for free!"

Scott Olsen: "Really? You'd do that?"

Lizzy: Oh sure. It'd be my pleasure.

Lizzy knocks out Scott Olsen with a mean left hook...

Sooze: "Oh man. That guy is toast. Let's take his wallet! "

Lizzy: "You're hammered, Scott Olsen."

Lizzy pulls out a Sharpie...

Sooze writes "BALLS" on Scott Olsen's forehead...

High-fiving ensues.

[Sportech Matter] | [The Fanhouse] | [The Dugout]

Under The Bleachers

We met up with Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes this afternoon to talk about his many adventures in sperm donating.

Lizzy: "Elijah, we could begin the interview if you'd kindly get your hands the hell off of me."

Dukes: "Pssh. Whatever, dawg."

Sooze: "It seems yet another young lady has named you the father of her baby - a seventeen-year-old foster child?"

Dukes: "She said she was 18, yo."

Lizzy: "Luckily for you, there will be no legal ramifications since the age of consent in Florida is 16 if the whoopie is made on the love seat of a Foster Home."

Sooze: "How did you react when she told you the news?"

Dukes: "Well, at first I wanted to take a picture of my gat and text it to her, but I threw a Gatorade at that [redacted] instead, dawg."

Lizzy: "Hey, it looks like those anger management classes are really working for you!"

Sooze: "Have you ever considered using condoms?"

Dukes: "[Redacted] that, dawg."

Lizzy: "Considering the price of contraception compared to the cost of child support, maybe you should look into that."

Sooze: "Here, we brought some along for you."

Dukes throws a Gatorade at Sooze

Sooze: "Was that really necessary?"

Lizzy: "Dude. Keep your eyes off of my goods."

Sooze: "Yeah, what the hell? Look here! (points to eyes) Not here! (points to ma'ams)"

Dukes: "I thought I was gonna get some action here, dawg. I'm out."

Sooze: "We look forward to hearing about your next illegitimate child adventure!"

Lizzy: "Don't drink the Haterade!"

[Elijah Dukes Is Such A Bastard]

Under The Bleachers with Carlos Zambrano

We met up with Chicago Cubs ace Carlos Zambrano today after we read and re-read this heart-warming interview with ESPN.

Sooze: "Carlos. May I call you Carlos?"

Zambrano: "Call me Big Z, baby."

Sooze: "Alright Big Z. First thing's first. What the hell is with all this crying nonsense?"

Lizzy: "Yeah. There's no crying in baseball."

Zambrano: "Well, Barrett came to me the next day [after I kicked his ass], and he apologized and I apologized to him... and we cried."

Sooze: "Umm. I'm sorry, are you crying right now?"

Zambrano: "I still love him."

awkward silence

Zambrano: "Can I get a tissue?"

Sooze: "Would you like a tampon?"

Lizzy: "Oh, God. What is this - an episode of Grey's Anatomy? I can't take it any more."

Zambrano: "I told you I didn't want to talk about that."

Sooze: "I dont know about you Lizzy, but I like my hurlers tough-as-nails. There's no crying after a beatdown. It's simply unacceptable."

Lizzy: "Yeah, I think we're probably done here. Thanks for the memories, Big Z."

[actual quotes]

[Blown Coverage]

Under The Bleachers

We met up with Michael Barrett at the hospital this morning - his face barely recognizable: misshapen and swollen from the pounding fists of fury that is Carlos Zambrano. He reminded us of a battered housewife.

Barrett: "You know ladies, if I may get the first word, I've been in brawls before. And I've always emerged the glorious victor. Take Exhibit A for example. Here is a photo montage of me punching A.J. Pierzynski in the face."

Lizzy: "Michael, lots of people have punched A.J. Pierzynski in the face."

Sooze: "Yeah, and I would think it wouldn't be that hard to do either. He's not all that brilliant."

Barrett: "Hey, don't discount my ass-kicking."

Sooze: "The one you received last night?"

Barrett: "No! The time I beat up that asshole A.J."

Lizzy: "Michael, please stop changing the subject. We're here to talk about why Big Z beat the crap out of you last night in the dugout and later in the clubhouse."

Barrett: "First of all, he didn't beat the crap out of me. I just bruise easily."

Sooze: "Of course. Was it the passed ball that upset him? What did you say to provoke such anger?"

Barrett: "I called his mama ugly."

Lizzy: "Ooooh. Don't ever call a man's mama ugly. Especially on his birthday. The result is a royal beatdown nine times out of ten."

Sooze: "Case and point."

Barrett: "It was my birthday when I pummeled A.J. Pierzynski!"

Lizzy: "No. No it wasn't, Michael. I think it's time you put that glorious day behind you and come out and admit what a sissy you are."

Sooze: "That's right. And we're here to help."

Barrett: "Really?"

Lizzy: "Yes. I'll start. Michael, I think you're a pussy."

Sooze: "And I think you fight like a girl."

Barrett: "Hey!"

Lizzy: "Michael, just listen. It's for your own good."

Sooze: "It's called Therapy."

Barrett: "Okay."

Lizzy: "If you would just repeat after me... 'I Michael.'"

Barrett: "I... Michael..."

Lizzy: "Am a total bitch."

Barrett: "..."

Sooze: "You can do this, pal. We're you're friends, here."

Barrett: "Am a total bitch."

Lizzy: "Zing! Did you get all that on tape?"

Sooze: "Yes! Now let's go put it on the internets!"

Barrett: "Daaaamn it!"

*cries into pillow*

[Happy Birthday! I'm Gonna Kick Your Ass!]

Under The Bleachers with Jonathan Papelbon

As the season progresses and Soozy and I have become more well-known for not just our hotness, but our vast baseball knowledge, Jonathan Papelbon called us up and asked for the opportunity to let America get to know the hot ass brain behind the next Mariano Rivera.

Lizzy: Ummm... Jon, I mean, Jonathan... *giggle* sorry. Thanks for sitting down with us.

Papelbon: No problem. You girls have another chair around? My Jupiter-sized titanium nuts need their own space.

Lizzy giggles again. Sooze punches her in the arm.

Sooze: So Jonathan, you've said you want to model your career after that of the great Mariano Rivera. How do you feel about him getting his first save of the season on April 28th?

Under The Bleachers

We caught up with John Kruk's hair this afternoon to find out what the hell happened to it.

Lizzy: Hi.... hair.

John Kruk's Hair: Helloooooo ladies.

Sooze: Would you please enlighten us as to why you've grown so unmanageable?

John Kruk's Hair: It all started when Orel Hershiser's hair and I were hanging out on the set. We were reminiscing about Eric Byrnes' hairstyle he was sporting during his appearance on Baseball Tonight during last season's playoffs.

Lizzy: Of course.

John Kruk's Hair: We were talking about how fun it would be to grow long and luxurious before going completely bald.

Sooze: You do realize how ridiculous you look, right? I mean, it's rather distracting. Viewers have a hard enough time taking whatever comes out of John Kruk's mouth seriously without -

John Kruk's Hair: Oh, his mouth is a different story. I have no control over that bastard. When the mouth and brain get together, it's totally out of control. Especially around lunch time. And dinner. And breakfast and...

Lizzy: We get the idea.

Sooze: So, the whole gelled-mullet thing is in nowadays? Cause I wasn't aware.

John Kruk's Hair: No, but Orel's 'do and I feel it's making a comeback!

Lizzy: Highly unlikely, but we'll make a note of it.

Sooze: That's all the time we have left for today. Thanks for your time, Mr. Hair. You're truly bold and unpredictable.

John Kruk's Hair: I do my best to offend.

[Photo of Kruk's hair courtesy of The Sports Hernia] | [Photo of Byrnes' hair courtesy of Can't Stop The Bleeding]

Under The Bleachers

We caught up with Mark Buehrle after his recent no-hitter to ask him how it felt to be a star for a day.

Sooze: Hey, Mark! Thanks for sitting down with us.

Mark: Have you guys ever met my friend A.J. Pierzynski?

Lizzy: No, we haven't had the pleasure.

A.J.: I'll give you the pleasure.

Sooze: So... Mark, how did you feel after your no-no?

Mark: You know, it was really great --

A.J.: Have you girls ever "done it"?

Lizzy: Done it?

A.J.: You know, with each other?

Sooze: Wouldn't you like to know.

Lizzy: We've actually never met each other, Mark.

A.J.: He brought me along cause he's shy around girls...

Mark: Shut up dude, you practically begged me to come along.

Lizzy: Back to that no-hitter --

A.J.: I totally called that no-no. I was in the dugout talking crap to Jim Thome and I was all, "Burly's totally gonna have a perfect game." Then he walked Sammy and Jim hit me in the face. He hurt me, see? (points to his misshapen melon)

Sooze: Let me see that (smack!)

A.J.: Ouch!

Mark: You're always such a baby.

A.J.: Nu-UH! Did you see me take down Eckstein on Pay-Per-view? I kicked that midget's ass!

Lizzy: David Eckstein is not a midget.

Sooze: That's right, he's just vertically challenged.

Mark: Ahh, plus that whole thing was set up.

A.J.: Whatever.

Mark: I felt great after my no-hitter. But what really matters is that we won the game as a team.

A.J.: I totally had a hit in that game.

Mark: God, A.J. you're always trying to steal my thunder! You're hitting like, .195 this season!

Lizzy: Yeah, you suck.

A.J.: I totally --

Sooze: I think that's all the time we have for today guys. Thanks again.

Under The Bleachers

New York Yankees third baseman, Alex Rodriguez, has agreed to sit down with the Babes to give us a little insight on what makes him tick.

Lizzy: Thanks for sitting down with us Alex. We really appreciate when athletes take time out of their busy, whining, slut-ramming and appletini-chugging schedules to talk with us.

A-Rod: No problem, Lizzy. The four tubes of purple Blistex really helped change my mind. Gotta keep my smackers violet and moist!

Sooze: So, let's talk a little about your relationship with Derek Jeter. You were quite distraught when he stopped inviting you to sleep over, and you seem to really miss the tight relationship you once had. What happened?

A-Rod: Soozy dear, your guess is as good as mine. I mean, he used to get really mad at me when I left the seat down. I never used to get mad at him when he'd wear my underwear or forget to pull out! I mean, it's devastating.

There was this one time that we stayed up all night before a game, drinking Smirnoff Ice. He threw up all over my "My So Called Life" DVDs and I FORGAVE him. I couldn't stare at Jordan Catalano's sweet ass for days after that! I let that boi get away with so much. (bursts into tears)

Lizzy: There, there, Alex. Time heals all wounds...

A-Rod: BUT LIZZY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I left Texas for him. I picked up my life and sacrificed playing shortstop, all for the love of Derek. The first few months were great - spooning on the team bus and playing Girl Talk by the light of the fireplace on cold nights in Manhattan.

But then, he decided he needed to start dating whores that work for MTV. I showed that Vanessa Minello tramp! She showed up at our place in her Jimmy Choos and Gucci dresses and I slapped that bitch square in the mouth for trying to stick it to my man. Why else do you think she ran screaming into the arms of that jackass who used to be married to Jessica Simpson?

Who gently wiped the blood off of his mouth when he took that face-first spill into the stands? You think he could even have come to my defense when that brute, Jason Varitek punched me? I don't care that he sometimes forgets to change his socks or that he refuses to shave his special parts. And trust me, that boy may have a face soft and smooth like a baby's ass, but his groin is like the black fucking forest. (bursts into tears again, grabs bottle of Xanex and pops a handful of pills)

Lizzy: Oooookay, thanks for sitting down with us, Alex. We really appreciate it.

A-Rod: You girls want to play Mall Madness? Or maybe go see Phantom of the Opera? Derek and I used to do that, he'd cry like a baby during "Music of the Night." We used to role-play to that, too. I'd put on a long blonde wig and pretend I was Christine...

Sooze: Bye Alex.

Under The Bleachers

Sooze: Roger --

Roger Clemens: Please. Call me Rocket.

Sooze: Rocket. I gotta tell ya, I'm not a big fan. I think you're pretty much full of crap.

Rocket: I think I'm awesome, but let's just agree to disagree.

Lizzy: Let's start with the burning question that everyone wants an answer to. Where will you play this season?

Rocket: Ya know, everybody kind of perceives me as being angry. It's not anger, it's motivation.

Sooze: That's very insightful. Do you think you'll motivate your way to New York this season? Or will you keep that intensity in Houston?

Rocket: I am intense, no question about it. Every time I toe the rubber, it's no different for me than if it was in the World Series.

Lizzy: Your son, Koby, is in the Astros minor league system. When he makes it up to the majors, do you think you'll still be playing at this level?

Rocket: You know how hard I work during my off days? My only day off is the day I pitch.

Sooze: That's pretty hard.

Rocket: Yeah. Told you I was awesome.

Sooze: I thought we agreed you'd be honest with us... but you keep saying that you're "awesome".

Rocket: Can you pitch at the major league level, young lady? I don't see a World Series ring on that finger. (shoves nearby cameraman)

Lizzy: That was uncalled for, Roger. Besides, that's Randy Johnson's move. And Kenny Rogers'.

Rocket: He called me fat.

Disgruntled Cameraman: Yeah well, the truth hurts, Rain Man!

Rocket: That's Rocket Man, as the title of my autobiography clearly states. (hands a signed copy to Lizzy)

Lizzy: Sweet... So, are you ever going to retire, or what?

Rocket: Yeah, probably until June or so. Then we'll see what happens. For now, I'm thinking about starting up my own blog. I'm gonna call it "What's In Rocket's Pocket".

Sooze: Interesting.

Rocket: Go ahead, ask me what's in my pocket.

Sooze: No, that's okay.

Rocket: Really. Ask me. C'mon.

Lizzy: (sighs) What's in your pocket?

Rocket: (pulls hand out of pocket to flip the bird)

Sooze: Very nice.

Rocket: (falls over in a fit of laughter)

Lizzy: Hmm. Speaking of things that are hilarious, I understand your wife, Debbie, has made quite the name for herself with her Bedazzling website. Lots of butterflies, creepy music and plastic rhinestones for denim hats and jean jackets.

Rocket: Yeah, those things are AMAZING! I wanted her to bedazzle my glove, but she said my teammates would just make fun of me.

Sooze: Probably.

Rocket: She bedazzles my name onto the front of my underwear, instead. Bling, Bling.

Sooze: Thanks, Rocket. That's probably more than enough info. See you in New York this summer.

Rocket: Yep, see you there. I mean... we'll see where I end up. If I decide to pitch. Blah blah family blah blah priorities blah blah bedazzling.

[Bedazzle some crap]