Under The Bleachers with Jonathan Papelbon

As the season progresses and Soozy and I have become more well-known for not just our hotness, but our vast baseball knowledge, Jonathan Papelbon called us up and asked for the opportunity to let America get to know the hot ass brain behind the next Mariano Rivera.

Lizzy: Ummm... Jon, I mean, Jonathan... *giggle* sorry. Thanks for sitting down with us.

Papelbon: No problem. You girls have another chair around? My Jupiter-sized titanium nuts need their own space.

Lizzy giggles again. Sooze punches her in the arm.

Sooze: So Jonathan, you've said you want to model your career after that of the great Mariano Rivera. How do you feel about him getting his first save of the season on April 28th?

Papelbon: Yeah, he's clearly the best in the game. I mean, not now of course. I am. Me and my balls.

Lizzy turns red, twirls hair, and giggles.

Sooze: You'll have to excuse my friend Lizzy here. She's got a raging Papelboner.

Papelbon: Stares blankly.

Lizzy giggles.

Papelbon: Major League The Departed is the greatest movie ever. That's why "Wild Thing" "Shipping Up To Boston" by the Dropkick Murphys is my entrance music at Fenway.

Sooze: Uhhh...great. Lizzy, do you have anything to say?

Lizzy: Um, like, I love baseball. And I write kind of good, and you're really, really hot. My hair is blonde and so is yours and I loved your mohawk last season and you are very tall.

Sooze: So, how do you feel about the nickname "Paps Smear."

Papelbon: Yeah, me and my balls, we can smear the ball over the plate.

Sooze: Clearly, that is not what I meant.

Enter Curt Schilling.

Schilling: Dude. What the hell are you doing? I told you, you are not allowed off of the practice field until that slider is perfect.

Papelbon: *cries* Sorry, Daddy Curt, I know you know best. Sorry, ladies. Me and my balls have some work to do.

Lizzy faints.

Sooze: Well, uh, thanks. Good luck to you and um... your testicles.

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