Voodoo Sabermetrics: Brian Wilson

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our 14th Edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. We know, it's been way too long. Obscenely long. We promise we won't wait another year before you get to voodoo. At any rate, this week's subject is bearded San Francisco Giants closer Brian Wilson. It is no one's fault but his own that this post will be riddled with Youtube videos. Enjoy.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Star Tribune...

Jolliness - Brian Wilson's jolliness knows no bounds. Even on a 3-2 count with the bases juiced he has a smirk on his face. Well, what's left of his face under that monstrous merkin he refers to as his epic beard. Apparently there's a maypole and sexy elves inside of it. And ninjas. No, you're not allowed to touch it. There's too much magic inside.

Wilson gets a giant tripping unicorn wielding two machine guns on the Jollity Scale.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Milton Bradley

Welcome back, baseball. We missed you yesterday.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our Lucky Number 13 Edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Chicago Cubs outfielder Milton Bradley. Life as a baseball fan just wouldn't be the same without guys like this.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911

Jolliness - Being restrained by coaches resulting in injury, going after television announcers in the booth, not knowing how many outs there in an inning, those run-ins with the cops in Ohio, jail-time, allegedly beating his wife... little things like this don't impede Bradley's happiness. He is, afterall, living the dream. Depending on whether he does something incredibly stupid or makes a sweet play, MB gets 5-out-of-10 green afro wigs on the ever-tipping Jollity Scale.

Theme Song - Many of us have wondered at one time or another whether Milton Bradley actually thinks before he speaks. Or acts... which brings us to his theme song: The Pixies, Where Is My Mind? Track #7 from the 1988 album Surfer Rosa.

VooDoo Sabermetrics: Randy Johnson

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our twelfth edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This week's All-Star is San Francisco Giants future Hall-of-Fame lefty Randy Johnson. We figured now was as good a time as any (is any time ever not the time to VooDoo?) considering he just captured his 300th career victory last Thursday.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - My goodness. Judging from the incredibly gay (gay as in festive, chipper and carefree) photo to your right, I'd say Randy Johnson is a pretty jolly guy. In fact, he seems down-right gleeful.

And why not? The guy has five Cy Young Awards, a perfect game, a no-hitter, ten strikeout crowns and as many All-Star selections, at least one win against every single big league team ever, and now 300 wins under his belt. If a career like that can't buy happiness, I don't know what would.

The Big Unit gets nine out of ten Billy Ray Cyruses on Sooze's incredibly fashionable Jollity Scale.

VooDoo Sabermetrics: Elijah Dukes

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our eleventh edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Washington Nationals screw-up and all-around scary mother-effer reformed outfielder Elijah Dukes. You're in for a treat, since we have some new VooDooers and not one, not two, but THREE Youtube videos for your enjoyment.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911

Jolliness - Jolly is not the first adjective that comes to mind when I hear the name Elijah Dukes. In fact, he scares the crap out of me. Maybe it was the insinuated homicidal picture mail? Not sure when he first started to rub me the wrong way... which is pretty hard to do.

However, he has made strides since joining the Nationals' outfield, so I'll give him a 2 on the Jollity Scale. He does at times seem jovial, though he may or may not be planning a baby mama's murder behind that sheepish grin.

VooDoo Sabermetrics: Gary Sheffield

It's been a while since we've done this -- 9 long months, actually -- so it's about damn time. Welcome one and all to our tenth edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This time we're analyzing ornery old man/spankin' new New York Met, Gary Sheffield. Here we go: the guy who's next in line for the 500 Homer Club.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911

Jolliness - Gary Sheffield isn't known as the Angriest Man of All Time because he's so jolly. No, in fact, most people who cross paths with him cower in fear or wet themselves. Either way, there is very little eye contact involved. Some might even go so far as to call him an abrasive, offensive, defensive, confrontational, controversial jerk. Maybe even borderline racist. Definitely not jolly. One time, he refused to play in the World Baseball Classic because it didn't pay well... or at all. Then he kicked a cocker spaniel puppy.

I give Sheff -10 out of 10 balled-up mega fists of fury on the Jollity Scale. He would now like to punch me in the face with them.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Josh Hamilton

Welcome to our ninth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we're checking out Texas Rangers center fielder Josh Hamilton, his love of all things biblical, baseball and more things biblical. And that one time he got a busload of tattoos and smoked a bunch of illicit street drugs... which you should never try, kids.

I seriously can't believe we haven't Voodoo'ed this guy yet.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - Josh Hamilton's jollity dates way back to his left-handed 96mph fastball in highschool, which he used to attract the babes when he wasn't roaming the outfield. His spunk carried into his professional career until it dwindled in 2001 with the emergence of his drug addiction. He pretty much quit playing baseball in 2004 and began his quest to become a full-time crack head, which at times can make a person so jolly that they flip out and rob liquor stores.

It took a couple of years and countless lighters, but Hamilton returned to the minors in 2006. Quite possibly some of the jolliest moments of his playing career have been enjoyed this season, where he hit his first walkoff homer, was selected to the AL All-Star starting roster, set a Homer Derby record by nailing 28 bombs in the first round, and was named Player of the Month after hitting .330 with 32 RBIs in April.

His jolliness is based mostly on his love for baseball, his family and Baby Jesus, stifled only by the mention of his 26 tattoos and sordid past.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Chase Utley

Welcome to our eighth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we tackle one of the hottest bats in baseball, Philadelphia Phillies second baseman, Chase Utley. We generally polish off our Voodoo posts with Jon Pyle (see Hotness and SMI) but we have a special treat for you today, instead.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Jolliness - Chase Utley's jollity sparked the moment his first big league hit went yard for a grand salami. He's enjoyed a steady .300 career batting average ever since, not to mention a hot start to the 2008 season, nailing 23 homers and 66 RBIs to date. He's jovial in a young Joe Morgan way. Plus, he rocks those rosy cheeks sometimes, which tips the scale of jolliness just toward Santa Claus. But naturally, Chase Utley gets a Soft Little Puppy on the Jollity Scale.

When I think of people who name their kid Chase, I think of yuppies. And when I think of yuppies, I think of California. When I think of California, for some reason I get that Joni Mitchell song stuck in my head. But just the unbearably high parts. Which brings me to this theme song... even though I should have probably chosen this one.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Carlos Zambrano

Welcome to our seventh edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we break down one of the biggest badasses in baseball, Carlos Zambrano.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - The jollity of Carlos Zambrano cannot be measured in chuckles or belly laughs. It can only be determined by how hard he can punch someone in the melon. But as heartbroken as this makes Cubbies fans, he won't be beating anyone's ass or throwing any sinkers in the near future. At this juncture, Zambrano gets an MRI on the ever-tipping Scale of Jolliness.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Chipper Jones

Welcome to our sixth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we break down one of the most awesome players ever, #10. Chipper Jones.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - Well, he isn't called Chipper for his jollity, this much I know. We'll let Extra P. cover that base, though. But if happiness were a batting average, Jones would be all smiles. Heading into tonight's game against the Cincinnati Reds, the life-long Atlanta Braves switching-hitting badass is batting .418 with 14 longballs and 39 RBIs on the season, after smoking career homer #400 Thursday night.

Chipper gets a George Clooney on the jollity scale. The man is like a fine wine: the older he gets, the better he is and the more jolly he makes this girl.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Ryan Braun

Welcome to our fifth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics, where we welcome a new addition, Camp Tiger Claw from Walkoff Walk. This week's subject is Milwaukee Brewers stud left fielder, Ryan Braun. Who doesn't love this kid?

Cubs fans? Oh yeah.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - Ryan Braun has 45 million reasons to be jolly for at least the next 8 seasons. Usually, landing the richest contract in your club's history one year after enjoying the National League Rookie of the Year honors will do that to a guy. Brauny also has a Sporting News NL Rookie of the Year award, a Baseball America Rookie of the Year award, a Baseball Prospectus Internet Baseball NL Rookie of the Year honor, a Topps Rookie All-Star Third Baseman selection, the Brewers' Top Newcomer in 2007 distinction, and a Players Choice NL Most Outstanding Rookie Award, all of which need daily polishing. He's already cleared a spot for a highly-anticipated Kid's Choice Award, as well.

Braun gets a Michael Jackson Grammy Shelf on The Jollity Scale, based on his trophy case alone.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Ken Griffey, Jr.

Welcome to our fourth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is one we are all familiar with. A baseball staple of not only [some of] our childhoods, but a constant into our adulthoods, as well... except that one time he was injured for his entire career.

Ladies and gentlemen, the video game, the candy bar, the family man, The Natural.


Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - Junior's jollity officially began when he was selected with the first overall pick of the 1987 amateur draft by the Seattle Mariners based on eventuality, and it hasn't stopped yet. He's remained up-beat throughout his 21-year career, despite landing on the DL more times than anyone could possibly keep track of. (See Tuffy's Hardness Scale.) Just a few homers away from 600 career bombs, he's smiling all the way to the retirement home.

Griffey gets a Ben & Jerry's Tennessee Mud ice cream waffle cone dipped in chocolate on the jolliness scale. So good, they don't even make them anymore.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Barry Zito

Welcome to our third edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is struggling San Francisco Giants pitcher, Barry Zito. Let's see how many times we mention the words "Alyssa Milano" and "hippie."

How do you feel when you hear his name? Do you laugh? Do you cry? Do you care at all? Oakland Athletics Fans remember a time when Zito wasn't just another hippie with an 80-mph fastball. He was a scary, left-handed strikeout machine who would mow down batters faster than a fat kid at the Old Country Buffet.

So what happened? Has he not been combing his zen garden properly? It's a medical mystery, and we're here to solve it.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - Barry Zito was once a very happy man. He had talent, a snappy tie and slacks, a spankin' new $126 million contract with a spankin' new team, a Cy Young, and even Samantha Micelli once... he had it all.

Then one day, an unidentified flying object swooped down from outerspace and kidnapped the lefty ace and performed all kinds of weird tests on him.

He hasn't been the same since. Barry Zito gets a sad, sad Emo Kid wearing a stupid t-shirt on the jollity scale. Not very jolly at all.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Lastings Milledge

Welcome to our second edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Washington Nationals center fielder, Lastings Milledge.

There is oh so much more than meets the eye with this guy. There's the sex with minors, high school expulsions, more sex with minors, high-fiving fans at inappropriate junctions, ho-downs, and a rap career which the Nats hope never takes off.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - When you and your crew are as fashionably late as Lastings Milledge was during his brief stint with the New York Mets, you don't need jolliness to slow your roll. Frequent injuries are already doing the trick.

The more bling the merrier, right? If that is the case, Milledge gets a grinning Slick Rick on the Jollity Scale: hilariously dorky.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Miguel Tejada

If Babes Love Baseball had a boyfriend, it would be The Extrapolater. Here he is, to introduce a feature that's spankin' new to BLB, Voodoo Sabermetrics.


If I had to guess what is running through the minds of faithful BLB readers right now, it would probably be something like “What the hell is this?” To which I answer “Welcome to Voodoo Sabermetrics.”

I’m Extra P., and I started this feature over on my old blog The Extrapolater. It was our way to get some funny baseball lovin’ writers together to look at players using our own metrics. Sabermetricians might know what an OPS is, and we might, too, but we’ll never let on. And we may not always look at the best players around – it might just be the craziest (where have you gone, Elijah Dukes?). Try it, you’ll like it.

Now that we’ve moved the whole shebang over to a real website, we’re going to kick off 2008 in style. Ladies and gentlemen, we introduce: Miguel Tejada.

Extra P., Bus Leagues Baseball

Name Quality (nicknames included) - The first category I’ll rank our man in is name quality, including nicknames. Then my talented colleagues will follow after with some more homemade categories.

Extra P. & Co. Are At It Again

"Cole Hamels is clearly good for what ails the hardened, embittered City of Brotherly Love and Cheesesteaks."

Check out the Extrapolater's new edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics.

This week's victim subject? The Philadelphia Phillies' pitching pride and joy, Cole Hamels.

[Voodoo Sabermetrics]

Pat Burrell: A Perfectly Normal-Eyed Hottie

Check out the Extrapolater and company's new edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week's victim subject? Non other than Philadelphia Phillies' left fielder, Pat Burrell.

[Voodoo Sabermetrics: Pat Burrell]