Sooze Gives the Minnesota Twins a Detention Lecture

Before we fly off the handle, we'd like to direct you to Sooze's guest post on Big League Stew -- a Detention Lecture given to the Minnesota Twins.

What a difference a year can make; the Minnesota Twins have gone from first to worst in a matter of one season. At a dismal 30 games under .500 with a roster chock-full of players few fans recognize, the defending American League Central champions have a lot of work to do this offseason.

Winter Meetings Wish List

Happy Hot Stove everyone!

Clearly, my only wish is for Joe Mauer to realize he's madly in love with me and propose, so I don't need to resort to getting on one knee with a Rolex. As far as the Winter Meetings go, we're unbiased. We love the rumors, the trades, the drama, etc.

Anyways... We've compiled a Wish List for this season's Winter Meetings consisting of our Twitter followers, Facebook friends, and a few baseball bloggers' hopes and dreams for their respective MLB teams. See if you can spot a pattern... Enjoy!

First, some tweets from our baseball-loving pals on Twitter...

@DannyPace: "My wishlist is for the Braves to unload Kawakami. I'd also like to get rid of Mclouth but don't think it'll happen."

@JessicaLovesCrew: "PITCHING! Ol' Dougie is already on it."

(Editor's note: Jessica loves baseball, beer and having fun. A girl after our own hearts.)

@TwinkieTown: "An iPad!!!! I hear there's an app that lets Jason Kubel hit left-handed pitching."

Babes Love Pat Neshek!

You can imagine how pumped we were when our favorite side-winding hurler, Pat Neshek, was awesome enough to do an interview with us.

The Minnesota Twins reliever with the funky delivery landed on the disabled list back in May of 2008 with a right elbow injury, which ended up being serious enough for Tommy John surgery. After more than a year of rehab, he signed a one-year deal with the team last month and is feeling better than ever.

Not only is he a hell of a pitcher, but he's a really nice guy, too: you might even call him the most fan-friendly player in baseball. Got any sweet hockey cards gathering dust? Then go check out his long-running blog On the Road With Pat Neshek, where he writes about big league life and swaps autographs for trading cards.

Enjoy!

Babes Love Baseball: Our first question is one you probably get a lot. Why did you start throwing side arm?

Pat Neshek: It basically evolved from an injury in high school. I was batting at the plate and got drilled on my forearm. It really lumped up and hurt, especially when I went out to shortstop that next inning. I quickly realized it didn't hurt as bad when I lowered my arm slot to sidearm. Well to make a long story short, I finally was able to pitch after 3 months of playing shortstop, and when I went on the mound that first time everything felt great. But I didn't realize I was throwing a lot lower than before thanks to all the throwing at shortstop. After a couple days trying to change it my college coach thought it looked pretty nasty and told me to work with it. It worked out pretty well.

What Would Your At Bat Music Be?

To help with your Super Bowl-sized hangover this afternoon, we've asked our fellow bloggers the annual, age-old question:

What would your at bat music be if you were a big leaguer?

I've always felt like King of the Road by Roger Miller would do my inevitable trip around the bases justice. Lizzy's would be Milkshake by Kelis, for obvious reasons. Feel free to chime in with your tune in the comments...

Jack, Bet Firms: "Bring the Pain by Method Man."

Mike Podhorzer, Fantasy Pros 911: "I'm Shipping Up to Boston by Dropkick Murphys. It's a ridiculously awesome song that would get anyone fired up."

Rob Iracane, Walkoff Walk: "Stand by REM. It's so gay that I'd have to waddle out to home plate on my knees with a wiener in each hand, but heck, I just love REM and I really miss the TV show "Get a Life". Plus I'd be afraid to swing at a pitch so I'd just 'stand' there. GET IT?!?"

Athletes Over For Thanksgiving

After being invited to partake in Steady Burn’s Thanksgiving Menu live draft this morning, it occurred to me that I honestly would’nt mind wrapping Joe Mauer in some bacon and having him for Thanksgiving supper. Then that idea snowballed into this post you’re suffering through right now! Who would I really want to invite over for the big meal if I had the opportunity to choose from some athletes? Um, still Joe Mauer.

Then I asked my buddies who they would choose, and this is that they came up with…

Continue reading and comment on this story at Sports Untapped.

Will You Vote For Manny?

After hearing the news that Manny Ramirez was fourth in All-Star voting so far this season, Jason Rosenburg decided to take action.

And so Vote For Manny was born. There is no rule from keeping Manny off the ballet, since he is eligible to return to baseball on July 3, which is 11 days before the All-Star game in St. Louis. He trails only Milwaukee’s Ryan Braun, Alfonso Soriano of the Chicago Cubs and the New York Mets’ Carlos Beltran.

However, the Los Angeles Dodgers plan -- if they do indeed have one -- is to stick Ramirez in the minors before he's allowed to re-join the Dodgers' outfield. In case you've been living under a rock, the almost 36-year-old butterfly-chaser was suspended for 50 games on May 7th after his drug test showed artificial testosterone, a banned female fertility drug prescribed to some people after they finish a steroid cycle to restart natural testosterone production.

Update: Some upset Dodgers fan has found the Vote for Manny site a bit lame and thus has created Vote for Pierre. Um, good luck to the both of you. Man, this is stupid.

[NBC Sports] | [The Big Picture] | [Sons of Steve Garvey]

Liveblog at Walkoff Walk!

It's been a busy morning so far, so I'm going to go ahead and link to some great stories around the blogosphere instead of actually using my brain.

The SportsBubbler is pumped to have Trevor Hoffman back in action.

Very Small Talk is glad fans are now getting a "bargain" on tickets at the spankin' new Yankee Stadium.

Read about Jorge Cantu! believing in himself at his very own big league blog.

Cubs Hub details Big Z's near-cycle. Oh, what could have been.

Anyway, I get the joy of live-blogging Johan Santana and the New York Mets vs. Josh Johnson and the Florida Marlins, whose bandwagon I abandoned earlier this week, over at Walkoff Walk. If you've never been to this blog, I demand you go there immediately. It's my favorite. Seriously. Right. Now.

Gone Fishin' One Last Time

So this is it, the last weekend I get to drink beer and make fun of nerds. It's been real, it's been fun, but it hasn't really been that fun. So kick back, relax, and watch some great baseball.

If you miss me as much as I'll miss you, visit Walk Off Walk, where you'll surely be entertained. And when I return, I have a surprise!

Of Jeff Kent, Tacos and Andre Ethier

Sometimes someone sends you something so awesome you just have to share it with the world. This is one of those times.

A snippet...

It's Like Christmas in May!

MLB Roundup hands out the season awards 5 months early, which is always a great time.

This is No Time to Panic

Quote of the season thus far...

"In baseball news, the Tigers are 0-4, the Royals are 3-0, and the Washington Nationals are in first place in the NL East. Please move in a calm and orderly fashion to the first full weekend of the Major League Baseball season, where all confusion will be sorted out. Thank you for your patience."

-Tuffy, Treehouse Fort

Check out Friday evening's podcast from the always funny and informative Treehouse Fort, hosted by Tuffy and Matt Sussman.

Update: The Minnesota Twins have officially ruined the Royals' perfect season with a 4-3 small ball victory Friday night. Let's rinse and repeat for the game I attend Saturday afternoon, fellas!

The Nats are no longer unbeaten as well, after dropping Friday's game to the St. Louis Cardinals, 5-4.

Also! We were informed this evening that we are the #13 seed of the suckfest that is Why Don't We Get Drunk and Blog's "Field of 64 for the Suckiest Sports Blog That Ever Sucked Tournament, Sponsored by Aeropostale." We are incredibly honored to be pitted against The LoHud Yankees Blog.

Joel Zumaya: "The Plan is Simple"

If you're up for a great preview on the American League West, look no further than And Here Come the Pretzels, where our very own Lizzy has graced with her presence.

She totally invented their AL West tag. Yes, we are aware Joel Zumaya does not play in that division. Just read it already.

[And Here Come the Pretzels]

Spring Training With Sarah Spain

We were lucky enough to get a Spring Training recap from the lovely Miss Sarah Spain, who really needs no introduction...

I’m sitting next to a drunk guy who barely knows where he is, not to mention the fact that there’s a baseball game being played a mere 50 feet away from him. He claims to be a Giants fan, but can’t so much as name three players on the squad.

As I try to ignore his inane commentary, I’m reminded of the classic scene in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off in which Principal Ed Rooney catches sight of a Cubs game on TV and asks:

“What’s the score?”
“Nothin’ nothin’.”
“Who’s winning?”
“The Bears.”

By the 3rd or 4th inning I probably could’ve convinced the guy that Eamus Catuli is a lewd sexual act performed by Chicagoans and that Ronnie Woo Woo is the Cubs’ newly acquired Japanese pitcher. Instead, I let him buy me an Old Style and tried to teach him how to say Fukudome without offending nearby children.

The thing is, a clueless hammered guy isn’t exactly easy to avoid at Cubs Spring Training. Packs of rowdy twenty-somethings descend upon the lawn at Hohokam in droves, giving it the feel of a sort of stripper-less bachelor party. While I certainly didn’t want to, as he put it, “grab a hotel room after the game,” I also didn’t mind the lively atmosphere created by his pack of drunken pals—or for that matter, the beer they kept buying me.

One of the best things about Spring Training is that it’s for everyone, from the die-hards to the drink-hards. Whether you’re a true lover of baseball or just want an excuse to start boozin’ before 3pm, for just $6 you can catch a game and get a tan with a couple thousand new friends.

While in Mesa, I went to three Cubs games by myself and each had its fair share of interesting characters. From the expected: a father and son sharing a Spring Break trip; to the unusual: a guy with a calf tattoo of Elvis joined and his friend, who came back from the concession stand with a carton of thai noodles—complete with chopsticks. There were pleasant surprises: a free ticket and some insider knowledge about this year’s team, courtesy of an employee for the AAA Iowa Cubs; and not-so-pleasant surprises: a greasy, pony-tailed admirer who refused to believe that I actually wanted to concentrate on the game, what with me being a “chick” and all.

The players themselves provided highlights and heartbreak, too. Derrek Lee was nice, funny and tirelessly accommodating to his fans, signing autographs at each game I attended. Some of the other players signed more sparingly, but nearly all put in their time either before the game at the crowded seats lining the first base path or after at the fan-packed exit from the locker room.

The most disappointing encounters were with Mark DeRosa and Alfonso Soriano. My boyfriend DeRosa (it’s a loose relationship—he’s allowed to be married, I’m allowed to be eternally single) refused my countless attempts to get an autograph (and perhaps a whiff of his scent). I did, however, see him from across the park another day, signing away. I guess timing is everything—both when it comes to our love and to autographs.

Alfonso Soriano was by far the worst. He ignored any and all requests, whether they be from bright-faced kids or large-breasted adults. It wasn’t until he took the field each day that he suddenly seemed interested in interacting with fans—which may explain the five or six missed catches and bad jumps I witnessed from him in the span of just three games.

After two day’s spent coyly exchanging waves and “hi’s” with the dapper, deliciously-derriered Dominican, I decided to take our relationship to the next level. On the third day, I made it my goal to get ‘Fonsi to throw me one of the balls he and the catchers would toss around in left field between innings. My first approach was simple; I politely requested the ball and smiled as innocently as possible. No dice. The next time around, pressed up against the fence, I yelled “I’m stalking you ‘Fonsi. You’re my favorite. Can I pleeeassse have the ball.” This got a few laughs, even a wave, but no baseball.

By the next inning, my newfound (and well-lubricated) friends on the lawn decided to help me out.

“She wants to have your babies” one yelled.

“Franchise kids—we could have wide receivers. I’m good breeding” I continued.

“She’s really tall! Seriously, throw her the ball. She’s hot.” Another guy added.

At this point Soriano was looking up at me, laughing and smiling, clearly enjoying all the attention. I waved and winked, he looked right at me, ball in hand, then threw it…

...directly to a kid about 20 feet to my left. Chuckles all around, from ‘Fonsi and the crowd. Bastard.

While I didn’t get a ball from ‘Fonsi or the slightest bit of affection from DeRosa, I did get a jersey full of autographs, a belly full of beer, and a camera full of pictures. Not to mention that one guys’ digits, just in case I change my mind about the hotel room…


Sarah Spain
www.sarahspain.net

Sweet Sweet Lovin'

It's time once again for some sweet sweet blog lovin'. It's kinda like sexytime, but with bloggers. If you haven't already checked out The Love of Sports, shame on you. If you have, high five.

Here's what's been cooking over there this week...


[Sarah Spain's Trip To Cubs Spring Training]
[Top 10 Fantasy Catchers]
[Top 5 Surprise Teams]

You know, we can't all be Joe Mauer or Ryan Howard, but who do you think you size up with in the big leagues?

Find out at Liquid Generation.

[Liquid Generation]

1 + 1 = Awesome

Sometimes, two blogs are better than one, and such is the case when Babes Love Baseball hangs out with The Love of Sports. You may remember Mad Love from his heart-warming guest post on the Cubs last December.

We'll be featuring some of their baseball-related content here and there, as they will be doing with ours. Watch out, cause you're in store for a fun and informative trip, including some great content from the one and only Miss Sarah Spain and the lovely Ashley Brilliant.

Here are a few of their most recent posts to get you all warmed up for Spring...

[Top 10 Fantasy Closers]
[Sarah's Feature on HoHoKam Park]
[Old School Love for Dazzle]

From the Love of Sports

This weekend's guest author is a fellow tortured soul -- a Chicago Cubs fan -- our buddy Mad Love from the snappy sports site, The Love of Sports. He's another man who needs no introduction, so here we go. Buckle up for this hilarious tale of anguish and disappointment.

From The Love of Sports

So, as baseball fans, I’m just gonna naturally assume you all are looking for shock value, isn’t that right?

That seems to be the case. You’ve all proven it for years.

You wanna know what players are sleeping with Madonna or Alyssa Milano this week.

You need to know who’s gambling on their games.

And you just HAVE to know who’s on the juice!

Well you know what? I say screw it all! I could give a damn about any of it.

All I want from my national pastime is for my Cubs to finally win a freakin’ World Series for once!

Just once! Is that too much to ask? Haven’t I suffered enough for it?

That being said, I honestly don’t care if all 25 players on this year’s roster are on the phone with their bookies while Madonna was rubbing them down with the clear and the cream in the clubhouse before each game. To them, I say “Do what you gotta do, fellas. Just bring us home that ring!”

But I digress.

OK, so I’m obviously not that vain. Sure, I may be a little more lenient with baseball morals than the average fan, but that’s not the point of this story.

This year marks the 100th anniversary of the Chicago Cubs last winning the World Series, and I have to think that story is the biggest one of this, or any other, baseball season.

Imagine, if you will, something you spend your entire lifetime hoping and praying for never happening. You can’t imagine that, because unless you’re also a Cubs fan, not a single one of you has ever, or will ever, experience such heartache.

I mean, I’m in my 30’s and I’m struggling with it badly as it is. But my poor 87-year-old grandmother, who spent every one of her years in Illinois and was an incredible Cubs fan, just passed away a few months ago without ever tasting the thrill of victory.

How wrong is that?!

OK, I apologize to any of you young astronomy students out there who were born after the 1986 Halley’s Comet sighting and who may also miss it once it shows up again in 2061. I grant you the fact that you may possibly experience three-fourths the pain my people have endured these last 100 years. But that’s as close as any of you may come to understanding our plight.

With the team our Cubbies have put together this season, I have as much hope as I’ve had since the tragic 1984 team who dropped three straight to the Padres in the NLCS after going up 2-0 in the five-game series. Or when we had a 5-1 lead in the top of the eighth inning of a potentially clinching Game 6 in 2003. Then Steve Bartman and Alex Gonzalez both happened.

Those were obviously crushing blows. However, if we can’t get through this season without a title, it may be even more damaging.

Winning the ring on the 100th anniversary would be as sweet as it gets. Doing it in year 101, or any year after that?

Talk about non-historic.

So, thanks to Kosuke Fukudome and Alfonso Soriano and Aramis Ramirez and Derrek Lee and Ted Lilly and any number of other guys we paid top dollar for the last few years, we have a legitimate shot at this thing.

You can’t tell me you’re not rooting for it just a little bit, too.

A Cubs championship would re-invigorate baseball. It would make us all forget about the steroids crap. It would turn the casual outside fan into a rabid diehard fan. And, most importantly, it would highlight all that’s right with the game instead of all that’s wrong with it.

And if you’re a true baseball fan like me, isn’t that all you really want?

Other than a Alyssa Milano rubdown, of course.

Come on, Alyssa, do it for the game. Do it for grandma.

[The Love of Sports]

Extra P. Has a Plan

The Extrapolater, one of my personal heroes, really needs no introduction. He has brought us such goodies as Voodoo Sabermetrics -- the breakdown of players by a motley crew of bloggers -- and Smells Like Pujols, which rates rookies against the ridiculous 2001 stats of Prince Albert.

Let's also please not fail to mention the Porn Name All-Stars, which you'll just have to check out for yourself.

He also writes for a million other places, including Chicago Sports Weekly and a kickass college hoops blog entitled Storming the Floor, where he is Associate Editor. So, without further ado, here is this Saturday's guest author: the always sharp Extra P., himself.

A Simple Plan: Bring Ricky Williams Back to Baseball

Ricky, buddy. I have a proposition for you. I’ve been watching the comeback attempts, and they’re clearly not working. Let’s face it, football is too violent and unfeeling for a contemplative soul like yours.

So here’s my thought. Come back to baseball. Think about it… the fresh-cut grass, the leisurely at-bats, trippy mascots, and the extra meditation time in the dugout? If you need added incentive, I’m sure we could talk some minor-league team into an all-hemp uniform – they love wacky shit like that in the minors. Anything to fill the seats.

It’s obvious to anyone with eyes that you’d rather be Muckdog or a Boll Weevil than a Dolphin – any day. And once your torn chest muscle heals, I’m sure you could get your stroke back. Or, well, hopefully improve it a bit, if we’re being honest.

I think the High-A California League would be best for your particular… idiom. It’s a nice little ten-team league, and you’d never be too far from the Ayurveda Institute. You’ll love the team names, too. The Bakersfield Blaze… get it? Or maybe the High Desert Mavericks are more to your liking.

But there’s really only one team for you, Ricky.

You were born to suit up for the Modesto Nuts.

Just think about it. That’s all I ask.

[The Extrapolater]

Say What?

Man, it has been so long since we've had another edition of Say What. So here we go!

"But forget Reality and logic!" - [Moderately Cerebral Bias]

"...don't you think ESPN could give us a little more information than this?" - [Awful Announcing]

"Still not sure what to get the sporty woman in your life?" - [Ladies...]

"It includes a nice set of illustrations!" - [Twins Nation Blog]

"Can anyone take anymore 'roid news?" - [Epic Carnival]

"It is very hard to be Omar Minaya right now." - [Mets Merized]

"It’s going to kill his name and reputation in this game." - [SOX & Dawgs]

"Um, actually they lost in 6." - [RandBall]

"I applaud this fan for putting his money where his money is so to speak." - [Beckett Behind the Scenes]

"That’s one sexy probe." - [Mr. Irrelevant]

Modern Day Use of the Bullpen in Baseball

If you'd ask my father, and especially my grandfather, they'd scoff at the idea of a starting pitcher lasting just six or seven good innings. But like everything else in life, baseball has evolved and bullpens have become a major factor in the game.

On that note, please welcome our second guest author, Peter Schiller from Baseball Reflections: a blog where old school baseball meets sabermetrics -- here to talk relief with us during this long and lonely off season.

The use of the modern day bullpen is a sore point with me. In my opinion, this practice is holding baseball back from gaining more widespread popularity. In order to gain more attention, all unnecessary down time needs to be eliminated. It is my opinion that the length of the games prevents people from becoming fans. The game can be just too darn long for the non-fan to cope with. One of these bottlenecks is the unnecessary use of bullpen “specialists” (I use that term loosely). A “specialist” is a pitcher who comes in just to face one batter and then is replaced by another pitcher who happens to throw with the other arm.

If you are a major league pitcher, you should be able to get out major league batters no matter which batter’s box they’re standing in! This is a situation where I throw Sabermetrics out the window. To me this was the idea of a few managers, which worked so well at the time that everyone jumped on the bandwagon to the point where this practice has become the norm for the modern day bullpen.

This development, as best as I can pin point it, started sometime in 1987 with the
Oakland A’s when they converted SP Dennis Eckersley into a closer. He only got 16 saves that year, but it was a turning point in baseball history. I don’t blame Eckersley, I blame the way in which he was used. I blame, right or wrong, Tony LaRussa! I also admit that it was and is a very successful method for getting batters out, but at what price, long-term for baseball? One inning and out granted Eckersley and all other closers who followed him, a “save”. It has gotten to the point where one can gain a save even in a 30-3 game! Before this, closers went at least 2 or 3 innings per save. Guys like Rollie Fingers, Goose Gossage, Bruce Sutter, Tug McGraw, Hoyt Wilhelm, Sparky Lyle and Dick Radatz, to name a few. They came to the rescue in close game situations and shut down the opposing team and they broke a sweat doing it! Every now and then, you see someone used the way those guys were used; Mariano Rivera, one of the best modern day closers is known for his occasional 2 or 3 inning saves. We even saw young Jonathan Papelbon going multiple innings in 2007 (especially in the post season). I’ll speak on this topic again when I address the problems with the saves rule, but for now, let’s get back to bullpen “specialists”.

This is what Wikipedia has to say about Left Handed Specialists: In baseball, a left-handed specialist (also called, somewhat derisively, a LOOGY or Lefty One Out Guy) is a left-handed relief pitcher who specializes in getting left-handed or poor right handed switch batters out. These pitchers will commonly only pitch to a very small number of batters in each outing (often just one), and rarely to straight right-handed batters. Most Major League Baseball teams have a couple of left-handed pitchers in their bullpens, one of whom is probably a left-handed specialist.

Why not just bring in the best pitcher you have, outside of your closer, to pitch to the next few players coming up to bat in order to get out of an inning. I don’t mind if teams bring in a new pitcher to start an inning, but to break up the flow of the game by allowing a pitcher to just face one batter seems silly to me. It always has and it always will. So my conclusion is that teams should do a better job in setting up their bullpens so that they are staffed with pitchers who can get batters of any type out and use closers in a way that most benefits their team, not just in the ninth inning against the other teams 7- 8 and 9 guys. Even a “specialist” can get those guys out!

A word to lefty and righty specialists out there: learn how to pitch to get guys out no matter which batter’s box they stand in and let’s just play ball!

[Baseball Reflections]

Dudes Can Be Babes, Too

Sometimes a change of scenery is a good thing.

Take our buddy Midwest Coast Bias for example. He's awesome and here to tell you a thing or two... about lovin'. (Cue Ladies Man music) He is the first, but certainly not the last, guest author that BLB will have during this long and lonely off season and we are more than proud to have him drop by.

By MCBias, http://mcbias.blogspot.com

Like many of you, I read Moneyball by Michael Lewis and was intrigued by the ways small-market Oakland kept up with wealthier teams in baseball. General Manager Billy Beane used the works of statisticians to understand which characteristics of ball players don’t matter, which statistics were overrated, and which statistics were underrated.

I started wondering in which other fields Moneyball tactics might help to evaluate talent…and immediately thought of love and dating. Thus, “Honeyball” was born. What follows is a Moneyball approach on signing deserving and undervalued females to long-term contracts. Now, please, don’t think MCBias uses a spreadsheet to evaluate every potential date’s OBP (it’s more like an access database, ha), but I thought it was amusing to see what Moneyball would look like in love and dating. Feel free to share your own over-rated/under-rated stats in the comments.

Honey stats that don’t matter:

Pictures and video. Pictures and videos are like relying on the word of unpaid scouts for a general manager; it’s better than nothing, but not by much. How many of you have pursued a girl based on her Myspace or Match.com photo, only to be disappointed? Just me? Um…moving on. On the other hand, many pretty women look less attractive in pictures. If the lady has a crooked nose, cleft chin, or other non-symmetric feature, pictures tend to make it look worse.

Job titles and awards. No manager is trying to sign Pat Hentgen just because he won a Cy Young a decade ago. So what does it matter if she won Miss BBQ Sweetie-Pie at the country fair and was the Homecoming Queen in high school a decade ago? Men put too much emphasis on job titles, too. Science has proven that it is statistically feasible that some attractive girls do not work as models/actresses/waitresses/singers. I know, I know, sounds impossible, but cute engineers and accountants do exist! No comment on whether both turned me down.

What other men think of her looks. A shrewd general manager knows better than to let the opinions of other managers influence his decisions. I definitely want my friends’ opinion on the woman’s personality and character, lest I end up divorced, penniless, or depressed. But as long as her looks float your boat, who cares what your friends think? Don’t love your best friend’s idea of hotness; love your own. No comment as to whether I started singing “love the one you’re with” after typing that line.

Honey stats that are overrated:

“Best available athlete”. Here’s one place where Moneyball’s advice is terrible for Honeyball. She may be the best you can get in terms of hotness, personality, and intelligence…but does she fit the style of your team (you + friends/family) and do you have an opening at her position? Forget how she is “on paper.” Billy Beane might have been able to push Scott Hattenberg into playing first base, but you have no such power over her. And although you may think that her beliefs can be made compatible with yours, you say that before you’ve been asked to hold the neck of the goat being sacrificed.

Genetics and Book Smarts. Personally, I dislike it that so much is made out of a given ballplayer’s dad being a coach or athlete or on how book smart a player is (went to Stanford, etc.). I mean, it’s nice, but so what? Sure, you don’t want the woman to be stupid, unless you dream of a life spent protecting her from herself. But after a certain point, what is intelligence worth? There aren’t many intellectual debates being conducted while the kid’s diaper is getting changed, are there? No comment on whether I would make Newton’s Law “action/reaction” jokes during said diaper-changing.

Height. Moneyball and Honeyball definitely agree here. If the player can hit well, who cares how small/tall they are? I know a lot of attractive tall women (and short men, for that matter) that somehow go dateless year after year. Cut or add 3-4 inches to their height, and they’d be hotly pursued. It makes no sense. No comment about how a certain 5’10” power forward may have changed my bias forever with one post-up.

Honey stats that are underrated:

Athleticism and liking sports. Moneyball glosses over what a problem it was that Billy Beane, the scouts, and Art Howe were so divided in their approach to the game. I personally think a big reason for those Athletics play-off failures was that very division. So when a woman enjoys playing and watching the same sports as I do, it gives us a natural bond to build a relationship on, and gives us shared passion. It’s sports…and women…at the same time! And if she’s a great athlete, maybe she can give birth to millionaire baseball players to take care of us in our old age. Daddy wants a new car!

Street Smarts. Moneyball worships players who can take bad pitches and then swing away when they get ahead in the count. A woman with common sense is priceless; someone needs to stop you when you want to invest the family savings in “Pyramid Marketing, Inc.” Not that anyone would be that stupid…um, by the way…anyone want to come party with me? I’m definitely, absolutely not holding it because I still need to sell five more Tupperware bowls for the month.

Learning, creativity, and personal growth. Billy Beane has proven over and over that he can develop young prospects and turn them into everyday big league players. If the woman you’re interested in is willing to learn and grow, you could have a future with her. Also, if she’s creative, you won’t go through many boring periods in the relationship. After all, it’s very exciting to be stranded in a war-torn Third World country refugee camp because a Hawaii honeymoon sounded boring to her.