VooDoo Sabermetrics: Elijah Dukes

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our eleventh edition of VooDoo Sabermetrics. This week's subject is Washington Nationals screw-up and all-around scary mother-effer reformed outfielder Elijah Dukes. You're in for a treat, since we have some new VooDooers and not one, not two, but THREE Youtube videos for your enjoyment.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball and Fantasy Pros 911

Jolliness - Jolly is not the first adjective that comes to mind when I hear the name Elijah Dukes. In fact, he scares the crap out of me. Maybe it was the insinuated homicidal picture mail? Not sure when he first started to rub me the wrong way... which is pretty hard to do.

However, he has made strides since joining the Nationals' outfield, so I'll give him a 2 on the Jollity Scale. He does at times seem jovial, though he may or may not be planning a baby mama's murder behind that sheepish grin.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Chase Utley

Welcome to our eighth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we tackle one of the hottest bats in baseball, Philadelphia Phillies second baseman, Chase Utley. We generally polish off our Voodoo posts with Jon Pyle (see Hotness and SMI) but we have a special treat for you today, instead.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball
Jolliness - Chase Utley's jollity sparked the moment his first big league hit went yard for a grand salami. He's enjoyed a steady .300 career batting average ever since, not to mention a hot start to the 2008 season, nailing 23 homers and 66 RBIs to date. He's jovial in a young Joe Morgan way. Plus, he rocks those rosy cheeks sometimes, which tips the scale of jolliness just toward Santa Claus. But naturally, Chase Utley gets a Soft Little Puppy on the Jollity Scale.

When I think of people who name their kid Chase, I think of yuppies. And when I think of yuppies, I think of California. When I think of California, for some reason I get that Joni Mitchell song stuck in my head. But just the unbearably high parts. Which brings me to this theme song... even though I should have probably chosen this one.

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Chipper Jones

Welcome to our sixth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we break down one of the most awesome players ever, #10. Chipper Jones.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - Well, he isn't called Chipper for his jollity, this much I know. We'll let Extra P. cover that base, though. But if happiness were a batting average, Jones would be all smiles. Heading into tonight's game against the Cincinnati Reds, the life-long Atlanta Braves switching-hitting badass is batting .418 with 14 longballs and 39 RBIs on the season, after smoking career homer #400 Thursday night.

Chipper gets a George Clooney on the jollity scale. The man is like a fine wine: the older he gets, the better he is and the more jolly he makes this girl.

Extra P. & Co. Are At It Again

"Cole Hamels is clearly good for what ails the hardened, embittered City of Brotherly Love and Cheesesteaks."

Check out the Extrapolater's new edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics.

This week's victim subject? The Philadelphia Phillies' pitching pride and joy, Cole Hamels.

[Voodoo Sabermetrics]

Pat Burrell: A Perfectly Normal-Eyed Hottie

Check out the Extrapolater and company's new edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week's victim subject? Non other than Philadelphia Phillies' left fielder, Pat Burrell.

[Voodoo Sabermetrics: Pat Burrell]