Jordan Schafer is High as a Kite and not as Hot as We Remember

Do you ever find some one -- let's say a professional ballplayer for, let's say, the Houston Astros -- incredibly attractive for like two seasons, just to find out that he's actually not all that great-looking?

That totally just happened to us.

Nice mug shot, Jordan Schafer. It's okay to get stoned, just try to not be so high that you get caught next time.

I mean, seriously. Smoking a joint in your Land Rover right next to a cop? So dumb. We are sorry he took your ganja peanut butter cups, however.

Not cool.

Of course, this isn't the first mentally-challenged thing Schafer has done in his life. Back in 2008 when he was just a 21-year-old pup, he took HGH like a total idiot, got caught, and was suspended for 50 minor league ballgames. I'm sensing a pattern here.

Aaaaaaand, of course there's A Hilarious Dugout to accompany the story.

[ESPN]

You Got the Job, Buddy!

The Atlanta Braves set their 25-man roster on Friday, giving rookie Jordan Schafer the title of starting center fielder.

The 22-year-old left-handed hitter, now most recognizable for his 50-game suspension for violating the drug policy last season, won the job even though he has never played above the Double-A level. But he still managed to impress Atlanta general manager Frank Wren, who said the kid played "inspired" baseball this Spring.

Schafer hit .269 with 10 homers, 51 RBIs and 12 steals in 84 games for the Mississippi Braves last season, batting .303 in the second half after his suspension. He entered Friday night’s exhibition game against the Detroit Tigers with a .344 average.

So, the Braves outfield looks pretty sweet, with the newly-acquired Garret Anderson out in left and Jeff Francoeur holding down right, split by Schafer in center and Matt Diaz as the fourth wheel. Way to go, buddy!

[Atlanta Journal-Constitution] | [Braves Journal] | [Rotoworld] | [Roto Rebel]

Losers of the Week

As we all know, the baseball season gives us many reasons to cheer. But just as plentiful are the moments we jeer and the people who make those moments possible.

It will be those zeroes that we'll highlight every Friday in Losers of the Week.

Today's post is sponsored by Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart. We trash burritos, not babies."


Braves’ Class AA center fielder Jordan Schafer, MLB, and anyone having anything to do with this whole HGH debacle. Here's an idea: why don't we determine exactly what unfair advantages, if any, HGH provides before we start castrating anyone who touches it? Oh, and how many calls to the anonymous steroids tipline do you think Canseco makes in a day? More on that later.

Also making this week's list is the Washington Nationals security staff and the US Secret Service. Why? For allowing these chuckleheads to run free in Nats Park without a word, question, or concern. Apparently the president's personal security is not so important anymore. And even worse, they jeopardized the safety of Maury Povich, Connie Chung, and Phil Donahue. Horrific.

And finally we have the Catholic Church, who are clearly not a fan of one of baseball's favorite giveaway: bobbleheads. To promote the arrival of the Pope, who will be holding a mass at Nationals Park, the Metro gave out Pope bobbleheads to encourage people to take public transportation. The church, of course, freaked out. The official reason?

"Our concern is that this was a bad bobblehead," said Susan Gibbs, a spokeswoman for the Archdiocese of Washington. "You had unauthorized merchandise, and you had a misdressed pope."

Well, what if he's a Nationals fan, huh Susan? Of course he'd wear red to the stadium. A "bad bobblehead" indeed.

And with that, I give you the offensive Pope commercial:

Blah Blah Steroids: Jordan Schafer

Atlanta Braves top prospect Jordan Schafer is bad at learning by example.

The promising 21-year-old outfielder was suspended 50 games (starting Tuesday) for violating the clearly-stated minor-league drug policy. That is to say, he used HGH when he knew it was against the rules.

Schafer was batting .091 over four games for Class AA Mississippi this season after hitting .316 with four doubles and six RBIs with a .421 on-base percentage during Grapefruit League action this Spring.

"We are extremely disappointed that Jordan has violated the Commissioner's Performance Enhancing Drug Policy," said Braves general manager Frank Wren.

He went on to say that Jordan asked to speak with his teammates to apologize for his stupidity.

[Steroid Nation]