Red Sox Finalize Bobby Jenks Deal

The Boston Red Sox have completed a two-year, $12 million deal with Bobby Jenks and the albino squirrel which resides on his chin.

Have no fear, Beantown Faithful. Jonathan Papelbon will remain the team's closer in 2011.

Jenks, a two-time All-Star with the Chicago White Sox, saved 27 games last season before losing his closing job due to forearm problems at the beginning of September.

The Red Sox have added some much-needed depth to a bullpen which owned the third-worst ERA in the American League last season, acquiring right-handers Matt Albers and Dan Wheeler as well.

Bobby Jenks Sheds 30 Pounds, Goatee Next?

Even though Bobby Jenks was pushing 300 pounds last season, his fastball was still pushing 100 mph. Now imagine the velocity of a slimmer, trimmer Jenks' heater. I know, it's mind-boggling.

Chicago White Sox brass publicly gave their closer some crap about his weight and conditioning last fall, which may not have been the softest approach, but it was apparently enough to get his butt in gear. During SoxFest last Friday, reporters clamored about his obvious weight loss, and Jenks replied with a something a little more than skin deep.

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What is That Thing on Your Face?

Dear Bobby Jenks,

Umm... what's up with that critter hanging out on your chin? Do you feed it, or does it just keep coming back on it's own? It must really like you.

P.S. Intentionally throwing behind Ian Kinsler of all players? Really? Enjoy that fine.

xoxo,

BLB

Ozzie Strokes Cubbies, Fans with Kindness

The thoughtful Ozzie Guillen, Chicago White Sox skipper, had nothing but a string of pleasantries to help soothe the utterly deflated egos of the Cubs organization and the fans.

"I think they went out and played their heart out. They just got beat," said the Ozzie tenderly, while pleasuring himself under the table during the interview. "The expectations were so high. It's not easy as a player to come every day with 'This is the year. This is the year.' Well, what if this isn't the year? What if 'the year' is next year?"

Apparently Ozzie even sent a text message to Carlos Zambrano after the Dodgers won 3-1 on Saturday. He told him to keep his head up, don't let upcoming criticism get him down. This from the same man who told White Sox closer Bobby Jenks in 2006, "When you're fat and you're good, you're a strong guy...When you're fat and you're horse-shit, you're fat."