Happy Opening Night, St. Louis Cardinals and Miami Marlins Fans!

...and every other baseball fan who has waited for this day since last October.

A lot can happen in one offseason, and the reigning World Champion St. Louis Cardinals and Miami Marlins are a perfect example.

The Marlins are kicking off 2012 with a complete face lift: a new name and a spastic jazzy new logo on their uniforms, a new skipper in Ozzie Guillen along with a few high-end acquisitions like Heath Bell, Jose Reyes, Mark Buehrle, and Carlos Zambrano, all in a spankin' new, $515 million ballpark. Pretty exciting stuff.

Meanwhile, the Cardinals begin defending their title on Day One of their first season without long-time manager Tony LaRussa and one-time fan favorite Albert Pujols. The team will also have to do without staff ace Chris Carpenter as well for the time being due to nerve irritation in his pitching shoulder, but they've regained Adam Wainwright, who was dearly missed during his Tommy John surgery rehab. They'll have to replace 30-40 home runs in the middle of the order without Pujols, but guys like David Freese, Matt Holiday, and everyday first baseman Lance Berkman are being counted on to do just that.

Season Previews: St. Louis Cardinals

It's about time to kick off one of our favorite things in all the world: Season Previews. Five years ago, they began as a semi-serious analysis and ended up as half-assed haiku. We're just gonna go with what we know. We'll begin our previews with the reigning World Series Champion St. Louis Cardinals and move right along through the National League Central.

World Series Champs
After improbable run
Through the postseason

Dynamics Changing in the American League

Please enjoy this guest post...

With the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim going all in with the ten year, $250 million deal for St. Louis Cardinals superstar first baseman Albert Pujols, the dynamics of the entire American League look to be different as the Angels will join the New York Yankees as preseason favorites in MLB betting odds.

The Angels recently signed a multi-billion dollar deal with Fox for television rights to their games which all of a sudden gave them Yankee-type power and influence that they immediately put to work with the addition of Pujols, who was an instrumental leader in the Cardinals making their near impossible run as World Series champions last fall.

St. Louis Cardinals Stick with Rafael Furcal and Skip Schumacker, Ditch Ryan Theriot

The St. Louis Cardinals worked on some odds and ends early this week, choosing to sign Rafael Furcal and Skip Schumaker to two-year deals and letting go of the sucky Ryan Theriot.

Schumaker signed on for two years, $3 million after batting .283 in 117 games for the reigning World Series champs last season. He went on to hit .381 in the postseason with the lone RBI in a 1-0 victory over the Philadelphia Phillies in Game 5 of the National League division series... yes, that would be the game in which Nick Punto ripped off Chris Carpenter's jersey. While Schumaker roamed the outfield on five separate occasions in 2011, the 31-year-old is most comfortable at second base, where he made 89 starts last year.

Albert Pujols Gives St. Louis Cardinals Fans Some Kindling Other than His Jersey

After one hot mess of a woman was recorded setting her Albert Pujols jersey on fire in her bathrobe on Thursday, I'm sure many other distraught St. Louis Cardinals fans followed suit. However, the former face of the franchise has given them some new kindling for their burning pleasure: a heartfelt open letter via the newspaper.

Upon leaving the only team he has ever known in favor of sunnier skies and a 10-year, $254 million contract, Pujols (who stated in 2009 that "money isn't everything") demanded the attention of Cardinal Nation one last time. Along with his loving wife Deidre, he took out this full page ad on Friday in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

Watch Out Everyone, the Prince Fielder Sweepstakes Have Officially Begun

Poor Prince Fielder. After all of the hooting and hollering over Albert Pujols, Jose Reyes, and C.J. Wilson, we almost forgot about our chubby free agent first baseman. Let's turn our attention to him for a little bit.

The former Milwaukee Brewers slugger and his agent Scott Boras are open for negotiations now that all the other big fish have been reeled in. However, they seem to be searching for a suitor who's willing to spend $200 million over seven or eight years, which is going to be tough to find since most teams out there won't be into the idea of give Fielder more than a five year contract, even though he's apparently only 27.

It's speculated that either the Miami Marlins or St. Louis Cardinals could afford to sign him, considering the ridiculous contracts both teams offered Pujols. However, the Texas Rangers might want his services to help with the imminent battle against their division rival Angels, who are about to dominate the hell out of the American League West. Count on it.

St. Louis Woman Sets Fire to Albert Pujols Jersey in Her Bathrobe

This woman has more serious issues than being sad about Albert Pujols leaving her beloved St. Louis Cardinals for sunnier skies and millions of dollars this morning. According to her camera-wielding son, it was 9:48am on a Thursday and she was still in her bathrobe. Get your life together, lady.

Albert Pujols Finally Makes up His Mind, Signs with Los Angeles Angels

Honestly, we love Albert Pujols and think he's great and everything, but we have to admit we were getting pretty sick of hearing his name and only his name above all else so far during the winter meetings. And pretty much all offseason. And during the end of the regular season when perhaps he was "playing his last game in a Cardinals uniform" every game for a straight month. Pretty sure Tim McCarver uttered that phrase at least 16 times during the World Series. That's why he's a legend, people.

The Los Angeles Angels swooped in and managed to sign Pujols Thursday morning to the tune of $254 million over ten seasons, which is absolutely ridiculous, but we all knew it would be no matter where he signed.

Ageless Albert Pujols Commands Serious Dollar Signs to Leave St. Louis Cardinals

Albert Pujols and his douchey agent (we pretty much take everything bad we've ever said about Scott Boras back) have some mighty lucrative offers to consider this week: one from the big-spending Marlins, another meaning he won't need to pack a thing, and a third 10-year offer from a team which has refused to go public. Hopefully it's the Cubs.

Update: Never mind, it's just the Los Angeles Angels.

Miami reportedly met with the nine-time All-Star and agent Dan Lozano to offer a 10-year deal Monday night, upping their previous offer which was apparently less than the nine-year, $198 million the St. Louis Cardinals tossed up last spring. If he actually is the age he says he is, that would make him a 41-year-old first baseman in the National League at the end of his contract. Unless he really is a robot... either way we'll be forced to use the Old People tag on him. Of course, he'll have a shot at being a designated hitter when baseball does their whole expansion dance during Interleague contests, which will eventually occur throughout the entire season.

St. Louis Cardinals Hire Mike Matheny to Replace Tony La Russa

Mike Matheny is dusting off his vast baseball knowledge and putting it to use with one of his old teams.

The 41-year-old former St. Louis Cardinals catcher was hired as the team's new manager Monday morning, replacing long-time skipper Tony La Russa. He's got some big shoes to fill, but catchers reportedly know the game better than anyone so we think he has a shot.

Matheny, who has been called a born leader by many of his former teammates and managers, played for the Cardinals from 2000-04, winning three of his four Gold Gloves there along with a World Series Championship. Unfortunately, his career came to an abrupt end in 2006 due to repeated concussions.

Matheny was one of six guys St. Louis interviewed to replace La Russa, including Terry Francona. So as adorable as he is, it's a little surprising he was hired considering the zero managerial experience he has.

We will say this: he didn't look half as terrified and confused as Robin Ventura did during his press conference.

[Viva El Birdos]

Lance Berkman is Having an Emotional Affair with the Houston Astros

Lance Berkman is all up in the Houston Astros' business, a team he spent 11 seasons with before being traded to the Yankees in July of 2010. He headed back to the National League as a free agent last December to join the Astros' bitter rivals, where he won himself a big fat World Series ring. So, why does he care what happens in Houston?

Simple. He just can't stop loving them. He's like a married man having an emotional affair with his ex-girlfriend. Sure, he loves the cushy life of a World Series Champion, but he yearns for that special kind of love only a high school sweetheart can offer... but not enough to leave.

Tony La Russa to Retire from Baseball and Save all the Puppies and Kitties

February 18: It snowed in the Sahara Desert for like a half hour.

April 1: The Pinwheel Network became Nickelodeon and began entertaining children everywhere.

July 1: The Sony Walkman went on sale for the first time in Japan.

The year was 1979, the same year attorney at law Tony La Russa managed his very first baseball game. The 67-year-old skipper, who has stepped down as manager of the St. Louis Cardinals and opted for retirement, began his managerial journey with the Chicago White Sox, where he remained until 1986 when he became manager of the Oakland Athletics. He led that club to three consecutive World Series from 1988 to 1990, sweeping an earthquake-delayed Fall Classic against the San Francisco Giants in '89. He stuck around Oakland until the 1995 season before moving to St. Louis to take over the Cardinals, where he has enjoyed two Championships.

La Russa, who has managed 5,097 games, ranks third in big league history in victories (2,728), trailing only the legendary Connie Mack and John McGraw. The man has been around longer than many of you have been alive. Oddly enough, he's the first manager to ever retire immediately after winning the World Series.

Now, the vegetarian and his wife Elaine will continue their quest to save all the puppies and kitties while they head up the Animal Rescue Foundation, a no-kill shelter based in Walnut Creek, California. Ah-dorable.

Happy trails, Tony. We'll miss your chicken legs, non-stop action in the bullpen, and winning ways.

[CNN]

David Freese is an Animal, St. Louis Cardinals are World Series Champions

World Series MVP David Freese gave credit to just about everyone but himself Friday night after his Cardinals came away with a 6-2 win over the Texas Rangers to bring their 11th Championship title back to St. Louis.

The 28-year-old thanked Albert Pujols for being a great teammate who helped put him on the right path back to success. He thanked Tony La Russa for being an over-managing mess excellent manager, and Mark McGwire for little hitting tips that came up big.

There's Always Next Year, Rangers Fans

After the most ridiculous Game 6 in the history of baseball forced the decisive Game 7 Friday night at Busch Stadium, the Texas Rangers were confident that they'd bring their first ever World Series Championship back home to Arlington. However, it looks like they're going to have to wait until next October... kinda like last season.

Leading the game for a whole half an inning, the Rangers never did catch up during their 6-2 Game 7 loss, scoring only once in the first inning on a Josh Hamilton RBI double. The National League Wild Card-winning Cardinals, who were 10 1/2 games out of contention in late August, have achieved what seemed impossible, with players like MVP David Freese and Allen Craig coming up big throughout the entire postseason to bring an 11th Championship to the city of St. Louis.

But enough about that incredible World Series ride and the guys who are going home Champions, let's have a look at the losers. In sad photo montage, of course...

Ron Washington Sends Matt Harrison to the Hill for Game 7 Against Chris Carpenter

The Texas Rangers were just one strike away from their first World Series Championship not once, but twice Thursday night in what ended up being one of the most exciting Fall Classic games in baseball history.

We can't really tell whether it was a Rangers bullpen meltdown, or a surging St. Louis Cardinals comeback, but either way the rally squirrel prevailed for an 11th-inning walkoff bomb by hometown boy David Freese for a 10-9 victory to force a Game 7 at Busch Stadium.

Adam Wainwright to Stick with the St. Louis Cardinals Two More Seasons

We feel pretty sad for Adam Wainwright. The poor guy just has to sit and watch his team complete a ridiculous rally during the regular season to make it to the playoffs as the National League Wild Card. Then, he has to watch them win the NLDS, the NLCS, and go through the World Series by the skin of their teeth. Game 6 might have been enough to make him cry. He was not a player, but a spectator through this entire roller coaster season.

But the news of the St. Louis Cardinals picking up his two-year contract option for 2012-13 must have made his day. The 30-year old right-hander, who won 20 games for St. Louis last season, is rehabbing from the Tommy John surgery he underwent back in February that sidelined him for the entire season. He threw his final bullpen session just before his team walked off to beat Texas in Game 6 of the World Series on Thursday.

That Was the Most Ridiculous Game 6 in the History of the World Series

Honestly. Five errors, 11 walks, utter confusion all over the field, and eventual bat brutality completed the Cardinals' 10-9 walkoff win over the Texas Rangers Thursday night in St. Louis to force Game 7 of the 2011 World Series.

Josh Hamilton, who was told by the Lord himself that he would hit a homer in the 10th inning, and his hernia were feeling pretty darn good about that extra-inning longball (about time) until things really started to heat up. This game was a complete shitshow until about the seventh inning. I literally could not stop laughing throughout the early to middle innings, but then things got real serious real quick and shut me the hell up. The game went from a total joke to one of the best games I've ever seen in my life.

The Rangers are One Win Away from their First Ever World Series Bling

*Game 6 postponed until Thursday due to crappy weather*

Colby Lewis will have a shot at history during Game 6 of the World Series Wednesday Thursday night, when he takes the hill against St. Louis Cardinals lefty Jaime Garcia and his neatly-trimmed facial hair. Take note, Derek Holland.

Just won win away from their first World Series title ever, the Texas Rangers have one definitive plan: to more or less not pitch to Albert Pujols. Meanwhile, the wild card-winning Cardinals are back in familiar win-or-go-home territory in a tasty rematch from Game 2.

Tony La Russa Overmanages, Micromanages, Mismanages in Cardinals Game 5 Loss

With the World Series all evened up to a clean slate, tied at two games a-piece after Derek Holland's mustache took center stage in Game 4, the St. Louis Cardinals and Texas Rangers took to Game 5 with both of their aces on the hill.

Chris Carpenter lasted seven solid innings, surrendering just two runs on six hits with four strikeouts before reliever Octavio Dotel coughed up the eventual winning runs on a Mike Napoli two-run double in the eighth. Opposing pitcher C.J. Wilson tossed just over five innings with little control, walking five with two runs (one earned) on four hits. Four Rangers relievers combined for three hits to save the game and bring the series back to St. Louis with a one-game Texas lead after the 4-2 win.

We Want this Texas Rangers Grounds Crew Kid to Take us Out Dancing

In case you somehow missed this video of an absolutely adorable member of the Rangers Ballpark grounds crew randomly busting a move between the sixth and seventh innings of Game 4... please do enjoy. Ian Kinsler was not impressed, but we totally are. (Call me when you turn 18!)