Under The Bleachers

We took a little time out of our alcohol-induced coma this weekend to catch up with angry drunk/Florida Marlins hurler Scott Olsen, who was tasered by cops at 4am this morning in front of his home.

Sooze: "So, Scott. There's nothing like driving drunk and assaulting an officer of the law after pitching a great game. How do you feel?"

Scott Olsen: "Like punching sthomeone in the... hiccup... face."

Lizzy: "Dontrelle Willis peed on a lady cop earlier this year - has he shown any support for your situation?"

Scott Olsen: "Dontrelle Willisssss. Fu... hiccup... fuck that guy. 'Hey, D Trainnnn! It's the strike-hic-zone calling. Miss me? It's been a while, fucker.'"

Sooze: "Hmmm. Sounds like fighin' words to me."

Scott Olsen: "Shot?"

Lizzy and Sooze: "Yes, please."

Scott Olsen toasts to "hard drinks and loose women" and the interview continues...

Lizzy: "You just finished serving a two-game suspension for getting into it with fellow Marlins pitcher Sergio Mitre. Then, there was the time Randy Messenger gave you a shiner. When will you learn your lesson?"

Scott Olsen: "I think you sthould teacth me a lesshon."

long awkward pause...

Sooze: "Ahh... you're wasted, buddy."

Scott Olsen: I'm just buzzed. I've been a bad boy... and I need to... hiccup... behave."

Lizzy: "Classic case of role-reversal. You're embarrassed of your need to be dominated by the opposite sex, so you take it out on your teammates and the Miami police department."

Scott Olsen: "Can I call you Mommy?"

Sooze: "I'll spank you for like, a hundred bucks."

Lizzy: "I'll punch you in the face for free!"

Scott Olsen: "Really? You'd do that?"

Lizzy: Oh sure. It'd be my pleasure.

Lizzy knocks out Scott Olsen with a mean left hook...

Sooze: "Oh man. That guy is toast. Let's take his wallet! "

Lizzy: "You're hammered, Scott Olsen."

Lizzy pulls out a Sharpie...

Sooze writes "BALLS" on Scott Olsen's forehead...

High-fiving ensues.

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