We met up with Tampa Bay Devil Rays outfielder Elijah Dukes this afternoon to talk about his many adventures in sperm donating.
Lizzy: "Elijah, we could begin the interview if you'd kindly get your hands the hell off of me."Dukes: "Pssh. Whatever, dawg."
Sooze: "It seems yet another young lady has named you the father of her baby - a seventeen-year-old foster child?"
Dukes: "She said she was 18, yo."
Lizzy: "Luckily for you, there will be no legal ramifications since the age of consent in Florida is 16 if the whoopie is made on the love seat of a Foster Home."
Sooze: "How did you react when she told you the news?"
Dukes: "Well, at first I wanted to take a picture of my gat and text it to her, but I threw a Gatorade at that [redacted] instead, dawg."Lizzy: "Hey, it looks like those anger management classes are really working for you!"
Sooze: "Have you ever considered using condoms?"
Dukes: "[Redacted] that, dawg."
Lizzy: "Considering the price of contraception compared to the cost of child support, maybe you should look into that."
Sooze: "Here, we brought some along for you."Dukes throws a Gatorade at Sooze
Sooze: "Was that really necessary?"
Lizzy: "Dude. Keep your eyes off of my goods."
Sooze: "Yeah, what the hell? Look here! (points to eyes) Not here! (points to ma'ams)"
Dukes: "I thought I was gonna get some action here, dawg. I'm out."
Sooze: "We look forward to hearing about your next illegitimate child adventure!"
Lizzy: "Don't drink the Haterade!"
[Elijah Dukes Is Such A Bastard]
11 comments:
Awesome. I'm gonna have to get one of those ballhype accounts now.
Ha! Nice SNL reference.
Mamms.
When I saw "Under the Bleachers" and Tampa Bay Devil Rays in my Google Reader I was concerned for your safety. Turns out my concern was warranted. I hope he doesn't have either of your cell phone numbers.
PS I would love for this to become a series ala KSK and Michael Vick. The only thing funnier than the thought of white guys writing in ebonics, is the thought of white women writing in ebonics.
Oh, there's more, JP. It seems like everytime a big leaguer does something retarded (or awesome) we feel the need to interview them.
My personal fave was the Mark Buhrle one, but this is a close second.
Nice work.
I assume there will be a "mamms" reference in each installment?
omg i just noticed Dukes' new quote under what they're saying...
Could you guys give me his number?
I need me a baby daddy!
When me an my friends used the term "Mamms" I always thought of it as spelled "Ma'ams."
Also, you're awesome.
Willis: fixed.
No, you are.
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