Josh Hamilton Relapses, no Whipped Cream was Harmed in the Event

We like to take long breaks from blogging just before Spring Training gets underway. Obviously. But what better way to get back into the game than waking up to hear the news of Josh Hamilton's alcohol relapse. Sadly, no whipped cream was harmed in the process.

The Texas Rangers outfielder didn't come out and admit his relapse to the press, however. No, some tattle tales "familiar with the episode" felt it was their responsibility to let us all know he was drinking booze at a Dallas area bar this week.

If you're familiar with alcoholism, you know know that one drink is really never okay for a drunk. Some people just can't hang, and Hamilton is one of those folks. The 30-year-old All Star outfielder was suspended for more than three years for drug and alcohol abuse back when he was with the Tampa Bay organization, missing the entire 2004 and 2005 seasons. However, he rebounded to become a household name and give hope to addicts everywhere.

In August of 2009, he relapsed during a wild night without his wife and Jesus, licking body shots and whipped cream off scantily clad hookers young ladies at a bar in Tempe, Arizona. Of course, he tried to claim that the photos were old, but background shots of the spankin' new MLB Network channel on the televisions in the background had him busted.

Since joining the Rangers, he is tested for drug use three times a week and also is supposed to have an accountability partner to offer him support in his recovery.

Looks like now would be a good time to hire one of those.

[Yahoo! Sports]

C.J. Wilson May Take His Straightedge Hipster Act to Anaheim and Pitch for the Angels

As if Cliff Lee ditching the Texas Rangers via free agency in 2010 wasn't a punch in the gut, now it seems C.J. Wilson is about to be a right hook to the nuts of Arlington.

The lefty ace and his stupid hipster winter hat/groomsman get-up must be enjoying free agency an awful lot. Rumor has it after a recent trip to California, he's getting awfully chummy with the Los Angeles Angels.

Wilson has a super secret meeting scheduled with the Angels' front office for this coming Monday, which will surely be the end of what could have been a beautiful re-signing in Texas. Everyone saw this one coming, though. Not only was he born and raised in Southern California, he also trains there in the offseason and loves to call the place home. One thing he does not do in beautiful, fun Southern Cali is enjoy the nightlife. Or day-drink. Two things I would do a lot of if I lived there.

You see, C.J. Wilson is what we like to refer to as "lame." He likes to refer to himself as "straightedge" -- which was only cool in the 90s when we were like 11 and couldn't reach the liquor cabinet yet.

Never, under any circumstances, trust a man who doesn't drink. Unless he has a great story about a transvestite and a lamp shade from his last known inebriation.

David Ortiz Wants to Stick Around Boston, Regardless of Red Sox Problems

All things considered, some big league players may not want to be associated with a team whose ridiculous September collapse has been blamed on drinking beers and eating fried chicken in the clubhouse. David Ortiz is not one of those players. Besides, it's not like they were the only team enjoying some rally beers.

After earning the highest honor a player can accomplish when he received the Roberto Clemente Award before Game 2 of the World Series on Thursday, Ortiz had this to say about his team's troubles:

“You guys know it all, already. I don’t have to add anything. I’m there every day, but I do what I’ve got to do. I have no more comment on that. You guys know it all.”

Eligible for free agency after the World Series, Ortiz batted .309 with 29 homers and 96 RBI this season. He said given the mess the team has found itself in -- the rumors, losing their general manager and banishing their skipper -- it’s a little too early to start talking about a new contract. In an interview with ESPN last month, Big Papi eluded to the idea he would play for the New York Yankees if given the chance. Not cool. However, he squashed that notion on Thursday:

“I never said that I would sign with the Yankees. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. They asked me if I would play for the Yankees. I said I would think about it. But I didn’t confirm to nobody that I would play for the Yankees. I’m still a Red Sox, aren’t I?”

'A Red Sox'... we've always struggled with the possessive and singular of that team's name.

Wherever the soon-to-be 36-year-old designated hitter ends up in 2012, Commissioner Bud Selig surely has a lot he'd like to (and definitely will) say to the Sawx organization after the Fall Classic ends.

[Boston Herald]

Roger Clemens, Jason Giambi Also Pounded Beers! This Story Won't Go Away

Since this story won't seem to go away, we're gonna go ahead and join in the fun.

According to the New York Daily News, chronic douches Rogers Clemens and Jason Giambi have joined in the debauchery, as reports have surfaced that they, too, drank beer in the dugout and clubhouse during games. You know, back when they were relevant.

So yes. It turns out the Boston Red Sox aren't the only team to have participated in "rally beers" -- a term coined by another player we rabidly dislike, A.J. Pierzynski.

Yankees clubhouse insiders claim that Giambi and Clemens would pass brewskis disguised as a "protein shake" back and forth on the bench during games on a routine basis. Funny, that's not the first interest they've shared. Now they get to share a shoddy reputation... as if either of them had a shining one in the first place.

[Courtesy of Larry Brown Sports]

Leave it to a $161 Million Payroll to Try and Steal the Postseason Thunder

In case you missed it, the Boston Red Sox epic collapse is still in motion. Leave it to a $161 million payroll to try and steal the thunder of the playoffs. I mean, would you look at that? They didn't even make the playoffs, yet here we are talking about them.

From Bob Hohler of the Boston Globe:

"How a team that was on pace in late August to win 100 games and contend for its third World Series title in seven years self-destructed is a story of disunity, disloyalty, and dysfunction like few others in franchise history."

Good point, I suppose. It all started with them losing a crap-ton of games during the final month of the season. In fact, they failed to put together any sort of winning streak, never winning more than one game in a row in the whole month of September. Total failure.

Terry Francona, living in a hotel all season while in the middle of a separation from his wife, was "let go" as Boston refused to pick up his 2012 contract option. However, he kept his head up and did color commentary, surviving the voice of Joe Buck during the first two games of the ALCS. We're proud of him.

General Manager Theo Epstein was the next to go, taking the vacant position of Chicago Cubs GM for $15 million over the next five seasons. Obviously, he's planning on ending their 102-year Championship drought.

Big Time Timmy Jim Lincecum Sued for Being a Lazyass Stoner Party Animal

We've all had one of those roommates.

You know, the ones who use every dish in the house before washing any until they're eating cereal off a plate with a spatula. The kind who accidentally bust the window frame while trying to break in because they forgot their car keys in the bathroom, or knock the bong over while it's sitting on the stove and then never clean up the rancid water between the oven and the fridge so it permanently smells like ass in the kitchen...

Maybe you are that guy. Tim Lincecum totally is. Allegedly.

The Giants ace was sued Wednesday in the San Francisco Superior Court by former landlord, Mindy Freile, for allegedly causing $350,000 worth of damage to a furnished Mission District apartment that he rented. And it's not like he just left the place kind of messy.

No, no, it was [allegedly] a complete disaster. Freile claims Lincecum damaged "the bedding, doors, carpet, pillows, kitchenware, linens, furniture, lights, artwork, decorations, patio furniture, appliances and mirrors, among other things."

For crying out loud, Little Timmy. We know you like to party, but how could a mild-mannered two-time Cy Young Award winner like yourself ruin all that apparently very expensive crap? A killer party, bro. That's how.

[Huff Post San Francisco]

Gone Fishin'

It's that time again, where I leave for the weekend to get in to all sorts of trouble. See you Monday... or Tuesday!

Watch some baseball, it's good for ya.

Canadians Can't Handle Their Booze

Well, it looks like some asshole fans have ruined it for everyone.

The Toronto Blue Jays' season opener against the Detroit Tigers was delayed for nine minutes in the eighth inning Monday while unruly fans littered the field with baseballs, paper airplanes, and plastic beer cups. Jerks... at least they drank the beer first.

The Alcohol and Gaming Commission of Ontario banned beer and booze sales at tonight's game, which was unrelated to the delay on Monday night. The Rogers Centre's liquor license was actually suspended for three different dates due to past problems cited as:

"Permitting drunkenness, permitting the use of narcotics, selling and serving to apparent minors, and failure to request approved identification and permitting illegal liquor on the premises."

If The World Were Perfect, It Wouldn't Be

Yogi Berra was one of baseball's greatest players. He played in 14 World Series, was a fifteen-time All Star, and won the AL MVP three times, in 1951, 1954 and 1955. Yogi also hit the first pinch hit home run in World Series history in 1947. When he managed, he holds the distinction of being one of the only managers to win both NL and AL pennants.

When he played catcher, he liked to talk behind the plate. A lot. He had a knack for saying crazy sayings like, "When you get to the fork in the road, take it," or, "It gets late early out here."

In 1942, the manager of the St. Louis Cardinals, Branch Rickey, offered Berra $250 to play for the team, but Yogi turned him down. Rickey reportedly said, "He'll never make anything more than a Triple A ballplayer at best."

Drunken Cards Front Office Inks Kyle Lohse for 4 Years

Kyle Lohse and the St. Louis Cardinals announced today that they have come to terms on a 4 year, $41 million contract.

Lohse, represented by super-agent Scott Boras, was traded from the Twins in 2006 after problems with Minnesota teammates and coaches. He played for Cincinnati and Philadelphia in 2007, and embarrassed himself rather thoroughly by turning down $21 million and 3 years from the Phils at the beginning of the 2008 season.

Lohse elected to instead sit at home during spring training and eventually was signed to a 1 year, $4.25 million deal with the Cards. He was stated to have been seeking 4 years and $40 million-plus.

To be fair, in 2008 Lohse did go 15-6 with a 3.78 ERA, walking 49 and striking out 119 in 200 innings. Good stuff, but there's nothing in his history that would suggest that he'll repeat those kind of stats. It's highly likely that this will turn into a crap contract for the Birds.

Gone Fishin' One Last Time

So this is it, the last weekend I get to drink beer and make fun of nerds. It's been real, it's been fun, but it hasn't really been that fun. So kick back, relax, and watch some great baseball.

If you miss me as much as I'll miss you, visit Walk Off Walk, where you'll surely be entertained. And when I return, I have a surprise!

Gone Fishin'

It's that time again, where I leave for the weekend to go drink beer, make fun of nerds, and of course, sell flowers...

Chances are I won't be writing crap until sometime late next week. Yay life!

Watch some baseball, it's good for ya.

Gone Fishin'

It's that time again, where I leave for the weekend to go drink beer, make fun of nerds, and of course, sell flower garlands... but not before I watch the Twins destroy the Tigers at the Dome.

Watch some baseball, it'll put hair on your chest.

Gone Fishin'

As many of you know, I won't be fishing at all this weekend. It's a figure of speech.

No, instead I'll be dressed in a bodice, getting paid to drink beer and make fun of nerds. Also scare small children. Since the internet does not exist there, I will see you all Tuesday. Have a safe and fun Labor Day weekend! Lots of great games to watch.

Go here in the meantime, you'll pee your pants. Then, go here to find more great sports-related content, written by amazingly funny, sexy women. Awesome, I know.

Gone Fishin'

Okay so I like to go on vacation. Actually, I'll be gone every weekend until October, working at a Medieval Festival in the twins cities, drinking beer and making fun of nerds.

See ya Monday!

Gone Fishin'

I am going on a much-needed vacation today (to the land of cheese and beer) and I have no idea when I'll be back. Maybe Sunday, maybe Monday.

Yay beer, yay Brewers.

Love,
Sooze

Voodoo Sabermetrics: Josh Hamilton

Welcome to our ninth edition of Voodoo Sabermetrics. This week we're checking out Texas Rangers center fielder Josh Hamilton, his love of all things biblical, baseball and more things biblical. And that one time he got a busload of tattoos and smoked a bunch of illicit street drugs... which you should never try, kids.

I seriously can't believe we haven't Voodoo'ed this guy yet.

Sooze, Babes Love Baseball

Jolliness - Josh Hamilton's jollity dates way back to his left-handed 96mph fastball in highschool, which he used to attract the babes when he wasn't roaming the outfield. His spunk carried into his professional career until it dwindled in 2001 with the emergence of his drug addiction. He pretty much quit playing baseball in 2004 and began his quest to become a full-time crack head, which at times can make a person so jolly that they flip out and rob liquor stores.

It took a couple of years and countless lighters, but Hamilton returned to the minors in 2006. Quite possibly some of the jolliest moments of his playing career have been enjoyed this season, where he hit his first walkoff homer, was selected to the AL All-Star starting roster, set a Homer Derby record by nailing 28 bombs in the first round, and was named Player of the Month after hitting .330 with 32 RBIs in April.

His jolliness is based mostly on his love for baseball, his family and Baby Jesus, stifled only by the mention of his 26 tattoos and sordid past.

Slackers

Since I was too busy recovering from The Super Duper's sweet, sweet Sunday victory in the Steambolympics at the "beverage" garden to write anything today, I'll post this video of the late, great George Carlin instead.

He was as funny as we are awesome at Special Olympics for drunk people.

Also, remember to get your ballpark pics in by tomorrow afternoon, since we'll be posting our four favorites to be judged sometime in the evening.

Gone Fishin'

This weekend has been a long time in the making. No, I'm not talking about recovering from hours and hours of baseball-drafting.

Lizzy and I will be meeting for the very first time ever in what we're sure will be the most out-of-control weekend ever in the history of BLB, including a Twins vs. White Sox game, many, many frothy beers, Deadspin parties that require no pants, and lots of high fiving. Maybe even some knucks, too. Ya just never know.

So, if you're in the Chicago area and want to buy us frothy beers, feel free. Otherwise, we'll see you Monday, when I'm sure we'll be feeling awesome. We'll leave you with the sure-fire entertainment that is Voodoo Sabermetrics later this afternoon!

Scott Spiezio: Sucking at Life

I just knew you'd either have to be a total drunk or partly retarded to dye your chin hair bright red. Case in point: Scott Spiezio.

The former St. Louis Cardinals infielder, who was cut by the team in February after a warrant was issued for his arrest, pleaded guilty Monday to misdemeanor drunken driving and hit-and-run charges from a December car crash.

So, here's how it all went down. He crashed his car into a curb and fence, then stumbled away. Then he appeared at this guy's condo, a bit disheveled and apparently injured.

This guy, we'll call him Michael, says Spiezio punched him, of course causing significant injuries. (Cha-Ching) But those counts were dropped due to the two of them having some sort of relationship and Spiezio pleading guilty to more important things, like endangering lives behind the wheel.

The 35-year-old dorkmaster and his stupid effing flavor-saver will serve three years probation, complete a three-month alcohol program, attend two Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and work on 80 hours of community service. On top of all that, he also has to pay roughly $1,700 in fines and restitution.

Spiezio agreed to a minor league contract with the Atlanta Braves on March 31st in an attempt to turn his life around. Have fun at A.A.!

[Braves Nation]