So, in order to channel my sleeplessness, anger and impending nerves about 17 hours on an airplane, I bring you the reasons that baseball is superior to men.
1. No matter what, every single night between April and October, its always on AS SCHEDULED at 1:05, 3:55 on Saturdays, 7:05 or 10:05 for a West Coast game. Baseball is always on when it says its on, and there's always LEGIT excuses for it not being on, IE rain. And even then, the games are made up. Baseball is "never too busy for you."
2. Every single date with baseball is always entertaining. Whether it's human batting target Kevin Youkilis getting beaned for the 7 billionth time, Clemens and Schilling engaging in a battle of the AARP members or Scott Proctor setting his jock strap on fire, something interesting always happens before, during, or after a baseball game. Even watching Baltimore getting blown out 105 to 3 during a meaningless game is more entertaining than about 99 percent of dates I've been on.
3. Even when your team goes down in a brutal extra innings game, you know that they tried their hardest and that no matter the horrific outcome of Aaron fucking Boone belting a home run in the bottom of the 10th in the 7th game of the ALCS, you know that your team is just as broken hearted as you over the outcome. Boys let you down and its all "oops, sorry hon, I'm going drinking with my buddies."
4. People want to listen to you cry in your beer over baseball. And there are always people crying with you. Sobbing into your Stella because your boyfriend got you a gym membership for your birthday, not so much. You can always find people who offer good advice on dealing with crushing losses in baseball. Nobody has an answer to why men have their heads permanently lodged in their sphincters. Nobody.
5. Baseball listens when you scream at it for pissing you o...wait, no it doesn't. Well, at least they have that in common.
6. Short of me meeting Josh Beckett and being his girlfriend, there's nothing that could shatter the image of him in my head being a perfect gentleman who is hung like an elephant, opens doors, pays for dinners and returns phone calls. Same goes with David Wright and Jonathan Papelbon. I can exist on my plane of oblivion and there's never a reality check to ruin it.
7. If your team irritates to the point where you absolutely cannot handle anymore, you can pick another team to root for without having to explain to them why you are breaking it off. Hell, there's never any crying or yelling, and it doesn't even hurt that much.
8. The games are mostly predictable, 9 innings, hopefully a great deal of hitting and throwing, and maybe a bench clearing brawl. Boys will lure you in with charm and affection and empty promises only to disappear off the face of the fucking earth's surface two months later. You know what you're getting into with baseball games. Men are about as predictable as a pregnant woman in her third trimester. And without the excuse that there is a human growing in their stomach.
9. Shared love of baseball is the very seed of the majority of many of my friendships. Shared disgust for the Y chromosome is the very seed of many of my friendships...Oh, wait...
10. The very early morning hours of October 28, 2004 is still light years better than any sexual experience I have ever had.
And with that, I'm off to the South Pacific for a week. Peace out, kids.
Editor's note: Please refer to the comments section for a hilarious male perspective on why baseball is better than women. Well done, fellas.
23 comments:
Lizzy, you are now my new idol. Bless your heart.
Yeah, baseball's way better than guys like me.
Great post.
What is this "real man" you speak of, anonymous?
I've never met a guy who uses the word "cleanup" in everyday living.
"10. The very early morning hours of October 28, 2004 is still light years better than any sexual experience I have ever had."
You obviously haven't had too many sexual experiences then. If baseball is better than sex for you, you've got BIG problems.
"If baseball is better than sex for you, you've got BIG problems."
...or very small ones.
Although just like men, your team will occasionally rip your heart out & stomp on it, and tomorrow you will show up, wide-eyed & hopeful, waiting for more.
Alright, let's do the gender inverse
1 - When baseball says a game takes 2 hours and 40 minutes, it takes 2 hours and 40 minutes. When a woman says whe'll be ready for a date in a couple of minutes, men should just pitch a tent.
2 - Not one single baseball game has ever spent a ton of time talking about its problems or obsessing about how it thinks it looks.
3 - And after buying all the accoutrements to be there, not one baseball game ever said that "they just wanted to cuddle" for that matter no baseball game ever told me that it just wants to be friends with me while it has a relationship with someone else
4 - there's no crying in baseball and not one single game has ever expected ne to listen to it cry or pretend to have any sympathy
5 - At least when I scream at a baseball game for pissing me off, it has never subsequently called me abusive for yelling at all and then gone off crying into its margarita with its friends commiserating about me being an asshole whining about how they can't find any good men
6 - Never found any of them attractive, but most women don't need baseball players to have delusional romantic and sexual fantaasies
7 - And after I dump a baseball team, I never get a phone call begging me to come back either. And no baseball game has ever sat around eating itself into a wardrobe change all the while blaming me about not loving it either.
8 - You can't really for a minute think that men are more unpredictable than women. It's deluded. Men are simple on/off switches. Food, Sex, some entertainment and maybe some naked women and men are happy.
9 Shared love of baseball is the very seed of the majority of many of my friendships. Shared disgust for the lack of a Y chromosome is the very seed of many of my friendships...Oh, wait...
10 - At last we agree.....
Baseball is better than men because it is poetry in motion; it still has the ability to inspire us.
Thanks, Bill Simmons.
Okay, here's my own version of the gender reversal...only not as bitter as the first one or the author of the original article (Boy, does she need to get laid):
Baseball is better than women because...
10. A baseball game will NEVER ask, "What are you thinking?"
9. A committment is far cheaper. You can get season tickets for less than two months salary.
8. At a baseball game, you can have a beer brought to you whenever you want!
7. A baseball game doesn't care if you focus more on either the top half or the bottom half. You don't have to try to notice EVERY little detail.
6. A baseball game doesn't get jealous if you look at another baseball game.
5. You don't get arrested for paying for a baseball game.
4. You can look at baseball over the internet without being called a pervert.
3. It's actually possible to enjoy two baseball games at once, not just a fantasy.
2. You don't mind spitting at a baseball game.
And the number 1 reason...
There is always a score at the end of a baseball game!
that's a great list and you seem really cool.
As for "October 28, 2004", well....what you liked about that day won't happen again, at least not while you're still in your prime, so I strongly encourage you to start focusing on getting some great sex.
bulldike
Guys, this was all done tongue in cheek...calm yourselves. Seriously.
I would have laughed if that had been funny. Not that I don't agree that watching sports is better than 99% of dates/relationships with members of the opposite sex, but lists like these have been done too many times, and way better than Lizzy's. Don't quit your day job.
hey, girls, way to go. apparently you've invented a way to hold a gun to people's heads and force them to read this blog.
besides which, you've got a customer standing behind that counter at the 7-11 you work at. shouldn't you actually do something for the $7 an hour you make?
I'm a guy ... although it felt like I was reading some PMS venting the list was overall entertaining and clever. That said I thought the one by the commenter mikemcd41 was a little funnier. Maybe because he's on my team (gender). But living where I live (Pittsburgh) I don't see too many die hard fans, let alone female fans, of baseball. How I wish to meet such a girl ....
-Sean
That would be great except for the fact that its not funny
I digress but...Take a peek at this list of great baseball books. And if you don't already have one, go get a library card. It's library card sign-up month. Baseball books abound.
http://web2.bccls.org/web2/tramp2.exe/goto/A23l8d42.000?screen=BCCLSVisor-Baseball.html
What the heck is wrong with some of these people? Didn't your mothers ever tell you if you didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all? Or didn't your parents care enough about you to teach you to do unto others as you'd have done to yourselves? Seriously, does it make you feel better about yourselves?
Of course, all of them (except "blake") are "anonymous." And they always will be in both life and death.
oh, and p.s., i thought it was funny, and so were the reverse lists.
That copy of the People magazine special edition commemorating Kate and William's wedding, on the coffee table? It doesn't belong to a baseball game.
All the lists were really good and made me laugh. That was fun! No team had ever in history come back from a 3-0 deficit to win a play off game until................. Boston did it against the Yankees 2002. If I ever have sex that hurts and bothers me like that did...I may give it up entirely. I, along with every other Yankee fan still have a hard time choking that one down.
Now y'all can get back to your silly message war.
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