For those living under a rock, the world's most noble humanitarian, eer, I mean, selfish sack of hog feces, Roger Clemens has decided he has to push his first start back with the Bronx Bums a few days due to a "fatigued right groin muscle." So ladies and germs, we at Babes Love Baseball bring you the top ten possible causes of a fatigued groin muscle.
10. Goddamn Andy Pettitte has been on the road, actually WITH HIS TEAM, and there's been no one to rub Warm Vanilla Sugar Bath and Body Works Lotion all over his hairy inner thighs that reek of a Manhattan bum in mid-July.
9. Took a spill while attempting to show LeBron James that The Rocket is God's gift to sports.
8. Took a spill when charging towards what he thought was a half-eaten cheeseburger. Turns out it was A-Rod's jockstrap.
7. Swung and missed while attempting to kick Kyle Farnsworth in the ass.
6. El Duque challenged him to a "Yoga-Off," and he had some difficulty with the Downward Dog position.
5. Attempted a Banana Split on Alex Rodriguez when laying the beat down over A-Rod's dominance of the news last week.
4. Son Kody pulled too hard during a wheelbarrow race at annual family reunion, or Rogerpaloozza.
3. Decided to do one squat for every million of his 2007 contract. Soon realized he's almost 45.
2. Slipped when "right leg on red" came up during one of his nightly games of naked Twister with Andy Pettitte.
1. Was attempting the solo version Ratipasha (look it up) to NY tabloid back pages, and audio tapes of Suzyn Waldman during his comeback announcement.
14 comments:
Ah, women. Always guessin' how the male groin works.
Where can we get tickets to Rogerpaloozza?
Oh and Letterman would be proud!
I, Stu, would have assumed it was from trying to pleasure himself with a bottle of HGH. Sadly, there could be only one outcome.
However, the Yankees are starting Ron Guidry on Monday. It'll be good to see the old Cajun back on the mound.
11. Kegel exercises!
Pure. Genius.
Honorable mention: trying to figure out how to fellate himself for once.
Infuckincredible....as a Yankees fan I am pissed if he is getting paid that big money for having a fatigued groin.....what the fuck is a fatigued groin???
Did he whack off too hard or something...
No Bedazzler tag?!
"Rogerpaloozza". I don't care that we don't have one person in our family named Roger, (and that we only get together for weddings and funerals), I am calling the next family reunion "Rogerpaloozza".
(I vote that the brought him up too fast.)
OHMYFUCKINGGOD that was great.
When I heard about his poor groin I imediately thought it had to be a little too much "Roger on Roger" time with his Roger blow up doll. See the previous post of MLB mistresses. I think Lizzie hit that one on the head.
Re #5: the banana splits is as painful as the name suggests... A-Rod probably screamed like Ned Flanders at the sight of his wife's dead fern
I had a teammate in high school who would try to use that move in every match...he made many opponents scream out in pain...hilarious!
- Dave MN
Great list and great blog!
Does anyone else have any other possible causes for this medical emergency?
If so, add them here:
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