So in celebration of Major League Baseball players skankbag ways, I've decided to take a handful of players and match them up with their ideal slutty celebrity equivilant.
Derek Jeter and Lindsay Lohan
Jeter is one of the few players in the league to embrace his promiscuity, never get married, and make whoopee with just about every hot woman in the world (and not so hot. Jury is still out on Mariah Carey). Lindsay Lohan is a cracked out skank in rehab. I think they'd be great together.
Justin Morneau and Casey Johnson
Morneau is the reigning American League MVP. Nobody knows who he is. Casey Johnson is the heiress to the Johnson & Johnson fortune and has been riding Paris Hilton's coattails for a million years now. Nobody knows who she is, either.
Alex Rodriguez and Eli Manning
They'll spend late nights whining about how the "New York media is just so, like, MEAN" and playing Mall Madness. They could also pound Smirnoff Ice Triple Blacks together, then make prank phone calls to Mike Lupica.
A.J. Pierzynski and Tonya Harding
Honestly, we're not sure who would own who here. Props to our buddy Trey for coming up with this one...we were more or less at a total loss for thinking of a woman who could ever close to being as big of a bitch as A.J. is.
Curt Schilling and Ann Coulter
Which one of these two likes to hear themselves talk more? I can imagine long pillow talk sessions over why each of them is so awesome, and why George Bush and Republicans and being a self-important waste of human hot air is so awesome. Imagine the fist-pumping that would probably take place.
David Wright and Scarlett Johansson
Because I hope, so much, that David is into 5'4 buxom blondes. Only maybe that he might prefer less famous ones, with less awesome lips. And quite honestly, they're both gorgeous.
I'd watch them go at it.
Roger Clemens and a Life-sized blow up doll of himself
Let's face it, Roger loves him some Roger. Because there's no being on earth that can satisfy Roger Clemens like Roger Clemens can.
So who did we forget?
28 comments:
That's awesome. Scarlett can come over my place any day she wants
I, Stu, am amazed you found a picture of Ann Coulter without her prominent Adam's Apple. Good vitriol, Lizzy.
Roger Clemens would be too jealous of the blow-up doll. He'll use his June paycheck to fund a machine that will allow self-penetration.
Also: C.C. Sabathia and Queen Latifah.
Ooooh! Good one, Sussman!
On a sidenote, holy SIDE BOOBS!
The mere conception of Schilling and Coulter hooking up, let alone possibly breeding, unnerves me.
Scarlett is SUCH A BABE.
GENIUS.
I'd submit Pat Burrell and a mirror. And Mark Prior and one of the brittle Olsen Twins.
Roger would need to break up with Andy Pettite first.
Oh my. I am SO very glad you fixed that link because I just peed a little.
Hilarious.
If Prior gets one Olsen twin, Wood has to get the other.
Man, I'm awesome.
f'ing hysterical. great call on schilling and coulter. good work.
If the Clemens doll is realistic, it'll have female private parts.
This...is so brilliant. As is the site. And agreed that you managed to find the only picture of Ann Coulter that makes her look both human and like a female.
si brought me here
DAMN FUNNY
Great stuff. And quite inspirational.
I cannot believe you left the most obvious, and intriguing couple off of here! However, you do have a very nice list in its very own right.
These two have kissed each others ass's on a nightly basis for years, and the only thing they havent done is exchange nuptials.I give you
Mr Barry Bonds, and Mrs. Joe Morgan
These two windbags love talking about themselves, and one another more than any other baseball duo in history, its a match made in arrogant history
Michael - that was so brilliantly obvious, I can't believe it was missed. Nice.
Brilliant! Can I play?
I heart the Phils and they need some afternoon delight to get back on track:
How about Jamie Moyer and Clara Pellar? (check with your local AARP rep for details)
Brett Myers and Kathy Bates.
Ryan Howard and Amelia Earhart
Judy! You're on a roll - don't stop now!
genius. I would only change clemens' doll for a custom XL-sized fluorescent singing dildo modeled after his own bobbleheads.
I thought this was great so I submitted it to Digg:
http://www.digg.com/baseball/Ideal_Mistresses_For_MLB_Players
Oops, should have made that clicky:
http://www.digg.com/baseball/Ideal_Mistresses_For_MLB_Players
Barry Bonds = Pam Anderson
Both were five-toolers before their respective enhancements.
fantastic, and I submit to you Sammy Sosa and Courtney Love
great list!!
I would put AJ with Martha Stewart, though. You know AJ just wants to be dominated and Tonya just isn't up to the task.
As the Phils continue to 'trip the light fantastic' towards baseball suckiness, I sadly submit (and to be an all inclusive blog no matter waht your sexual orientation is...):
The coaches' edition:
Edgar Bergen and Charlie Manuel
Rich Dubee and Frank Sinatra (winning and the Phils: like Strangers in the Night)
Davey Lopes and J-Lo (too many big-ass losses)
Jimy Williams and Raymond Babbitt
I really dislike that rodger liar!
http://ladyyankee.mlblogs.com/
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