Burning Questions For 2007

Dudes and Bitches, the day is upon us. The day that most of us have been waiting for since the Most Boring World Series That Nobody Cared About: Opening Day 2007. Professional baseball players and their entourages have vacated Florida (well, except the Marlins and the Devil Rays, but they're barely professional anyway.)

Some burning questions to ponder for 2007...

1. Oh A-Rod, how my heart bleeds for you. You make more money in the time it takes to wipe that ice cream scented poop out of your fanny than I will make in an entire lifetime. But New Yorkers hate you. Derek Jeter won't come over and play Clue anymore.

Will you finally get the love and affection from all of New York that you rightly deserve when you hit .170 in the playoffs? Perhaps this year, oh pretty purpled-lipped one, this year, will be your year to earn those pinstripes.

2. Princess Carl Pavano, the baseball equivalent to Britney Spears. You started out so promising, as a NAAAtional League pitcher who so badly wanted to go and play real baseball. Kind of like Miss Britney in her bustier and school girl skirt.

However, as time went on, it became increasingly obvious what a complete and total headcase you were. You haven't pitched in a major league game in two years, and in a few hours, you will get your chance. Give Carl a chance. See if he can get back into that jailbait, pleated skirt and kneesocks form.

3. The Chicago Cubs. Now, the most pathetic lovable losers in baseball. Will this finally be your year, with Sweet Lou at the helm and Alfonso Soriano taking over at 2nd?

Kill that billy goat, Cubbies fans.

Oh wait...sorry, my phone just rang. Satan says it's still a balmy 2,000 degrees in hell. Hasn't frozen over yet. No World Series rings for you.

4. Dice-K, (whose name I cannot spell, so I won't even try) will you be worth the GNP of a third world countries equivalent that the Sox paid to talk with you? You have been hit or miss in spring training, and the debate on whether the gyroball exists outside of Greek restaurants is still fine blogger fodder. Do we believe the hype?

Not to get all serious, but the beginning of baseball season is the most glorious time of year for those of us who live in colder states. It's a reminder that the dark, frigid, snow-blanketed days filled with North Face parkas and boots are behind us, and the wait is not long for 8pm sunsets, long walks, ice cream cones and fireworks that explode in the night.

Happy Opening Day, bitches. And Go Red Sox!!!